where

i wish I knew where all this pain was coming from. I'm sick of the depression and urges to carve. so much lately all I want is more tattoos, piercings, Ive dyed my hair almost black, and I'm just hurting. I don't want to be the emo girl craving attention, but I do want to feel life again. I want to be happy I want to talk to people hang out with friends , text people and get responses and not ignored all the time, I'm at home alone so much lately I feel like being self destructive, I know it won't make anything better but it feels like all I have left. I miss Daniel being so far away at ait training. I miss my sister and how we barely see each other anymore, I miss seeing specific people out and about. I just want to matter to someone, I want to be a light to people and I feel like I've been shut down and hid in a corner for no one to find. I don't know where I am anymore and I don't know what to do.... I want to stop the pain and tears and I don't know how. I can't sleep and I barely eat. I have no life in me to encourage me through the day, my fire drills are all that push me to keep going, I know I can make it through the week if I have drill and something fun to look forward to.

so much pain

i don't know what to do. I'm so alone at home all the time. I just want to have friends again. I just want to talk to someone. I'm depressed bad and it's because I have no job, I'm broke, lonely, cold, hungry, and dissatisfied. I don't know where to go. I just feel like crying, and carving. I want to go out and have a good time. but there's no one to go out with. no one to have fun with. I just got back from a depressing walk in the ice by myself because I have nothing better to do. I'm headed to bed after I'm done typing because I feel like shit and have no one to talk to. not even my best friend will talk to me because her family and tv shows are more important. there has een many times lately someone has said that they will let me know what the plan is to hang out then they just bail on me and never text back. I feel like no one wants me around anymore... I just hurt and want to be loved again.

Winter Fun

well snowboarding yesterday was totally awesome!! yeah not lots to say about it but I have a blast! on to my other thoughts

this one girl, yeah you all know who I'm talking about, she's so annoying to me lately, it's this constant line of texts, what are you doing, can I come over, my boyfriend this and he that and he this and I that and he this... oh can he stay with you, on and on and on. she has to know everything going on all the time, I just want some peace an quiet! even if it is boring. she's gotta know everything going on in my mind, all about who I've been hanging with and everything. I just need some space!

last night was really good too! I was gonna go hang at the bar with a friend but we both ended up not going so I went over and hung out at his place. :) just talked about whatever and watched him play computer games. it was fun :) his mom came home and he took me for a ride in her mini cooper!! so frickin fast an awesome!!!!! we hit 75 in 3 blocks! anyway he's pretty fun to be around, I stayed there till like 2am just bs-ing and stuff. I really like this guy and hope it goes somewhere he's kinda rough on the outside but he's really sweet :) an I can't stop dreaming about him. he's always on my mind and always what I'm thinkin about :)... I sound pathetic haha but I don't care :)

2012

well it's a brand new year and nothing is really different. I'm always stuck in the same place, and now it's worse at home because I have no Internet to occupy myself I am so bored all the time. whatever tho that doesn't matter... there is so much going on yet nothing all at the same time. I haven't spoken to or even hardly seen Melinda in at least 2 weeks.

my mind has been going insane with the typical subject... boys... it ways seems as soon as something is promising, or I look into something a little too much, I'm always wrong and get get hurt and ignored, I really wish people would talk to me. this one guy is such a gentleman! hardly a text shorter than 5 words no matter what. his family is pretty cool and he's a really caring guy... beside the fact that he likes to drink a bit more than the average person... but oh we'll... I just wish I would be noticed by him and not ignored do much...
then there's this other guy that I've talked to quite a bit but he keeps saying it won't ever go anywhere so I've pretty much given up on that one
there's also the guy from Washington who was a complete ass to me after telling me that he would put out all the effort he could, I haven't texted him in a week and he hasn't either... so Im just gonna keep ignoring his dumb ass... I just want a country boy that loves the woods and God, I'm thinkin id be better off in another state where the real hillbillies reside haha... I just want to be happy in life. I want to find someone who truly loves me and wants to be by my side for the rest of my life without having to lie to me or be an ass. I just want to be happy. for now I guess I will settle with still being in my apt.