EMT BASIC

well I'm takin my emt basic classes sure are fun so far!! I wish I could get this outta my mind but I just can't, these memories are killin me. the shower the talks on the couch, sleepin in his bed, stealing his hat, drivin in his truck (which he's selling so that memory is being destroyed) riding up in the hills shootin guns, so many memories from feb to June... minus April. I just don't know what to do or where to go or how to function, I'm having the worst time with this and it's all because I never had a conclusion to this whole mess after he found out about his daughter... I still wanna just cry and ignore the world and all the problems with it... I just hurt so bad inside like someone is grabbing my heart in their hand an squeezing it so hard that it's gonna burst into a bunch of pieces and I are myself laying on the floor lookin to the side with blood gushing from my chest as my breath weakens and dies... I'm just sick of hurting but i can't keep Kalab off my mind... all the songs I hear remind me of him and I just go back to the days where we had a great friendship and great laughs, I was his buddy when everyone else was sleeping, I think that's why I'm having problems sleeping at night because I used to stay up texting him and now there's an emptiness there that's not being filled with him and it hurts me and keeps me awake wondering why... :'(

more time has passed

Well it's been 7 months since I've talked to Kalab and I've recently relapsed over my feelings for him, it's a really difficult situation, he's got a girlfriend and a 1 year old. yeah kinda puts a damper of anything ever happening again... I just want to talk and be friends I want to find out why he ever texted me back after telling me to never talk to him again, why can't we straighten things out? why does he talk to other girls but he's written me out of his book? does he have feelings for me and that's why he doesn't talk to me or what? I hate no understanding!! I had a dream about him the other day and that's what brought this all back crashig down on me. I dreamed that we were out wheelin and having a great time talking an catching up on everything, then we ended up sitting near each other watchin tv and I asked him why he ever texted me back he looked at me and before he could respond I woke up and started crying, it was the saddest thing ever, being so close but so far away. I want to text him and ask him how things are going an just be normal friends again but I don't hunk that will ever happen, it's killing me I side to not know him anymore. his fb posts are enough to drive me crazy but I won't delete his fb... he's selling his yellow yota which tears me up inside, I rode in that truck for miles in the dark on the gravel road next to him arms touching... an now that memory is being destroyed with the truck.. I just want to cry, I want things to go back the way they were before everything got all messed up... I don't know what to do :'( sleep I guess is all I can do I guess... night