Again some more...

Nothing ever changes, time goes by and life continues in the same fashion. Old friends are still mostly set in their ways, new friends aren’t making any progress, and I’m always left out of the circle. I feel like I’ve been closed out of so many circles. I keep trying to be a bette time and part of the groups that I’m involved with, but I always seem to offstep before I’m accepted. I’m always just pushed out or just not ‘cool’ enough to get the invite. I’m ready to have something exciting happen in my life, some change would be nice. I know it’s not in my control but I’m tired of waiting....

Same old thing

Well it's been 4 years, i doubt anyone will read this, but here I am again, same boat same thing and just more time passing. I get so bummed out by this cycle, find someone who is decent and a good person and could really fit into the life i have envisioned for myself, and again they don't want anything to do with me. will I always be single? Will I never have kids? Will I be lonely for life? I am so depressed over this. I just want someone to hold at night and give my love to. I want to build a family and raise good kids and pass along my knowledge. I don't want my family line to end with me. I want to give my parents the chance to be grandparents. I want so many things but I have no way to do that.
Im struggling with being able to cope with this part of life. I just want so many things, but none are in my control and none of them have anyway of appearing to me anytime soon. I want someone to travel with and go hiking and camping with. I want someone to share memories with and to dance with. I want to be able to experience life with someone.

The only thing that is going my way so far is the probability of a new job at the fire station. working full time and being able to move out from my parents. I;m just ready to move on with this part of life.

Full circle

Does anyone even know what bogger is anymore??? Ok where to start. How about I'm super sorry that I've ignored my blog for nearly 2 years!! So the latest is this: I've been working full time for Falck ambulance in Salem since  September 27th of 16. I have been working on the ambulance at Dallas part time since March 29th of 16. I am just wrapping up my 5th year on the fire department as a volunteer! (Wow) I have moved into a house (Jan of 16) and am renting to own it from a dear friend of mine. I realized this last year how much I really weighed and how much it was affecting my life and how much I disliked if. I have lost 20 lbs since then and am working towards a goal of 165-175!! (Yay 35 to go) I am two classes away from my associates degree! This next fall I will be attending OSU full time!
Ok now the bigger news. Not many of you know this, but I have been single since August of 2013... yes a long time. I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine, mister Nick Marlow. He and I have been chatting like crazy lately!! I forgot how good of a man he was!! We have both had some experiences and time to grow and mature. We have decided to try dating again and seeing how it goes. Im excited to learn the new guy that God has put in front of me again. He is a man of God that trusts in Him and can help me stay in my faith where I need to be! :)
Anyway, I'm going to try and keep this updated a little better now... we shall see how it goes!

Long fun night

Last night was a great night!. It started when Ryan texted me (I know shock) and told me to come down to the bar and get ready for a night of ice throwing!. So I went down to the bar and hung out... Ryan came over to me and gave me a hug and told me how glad he was to see me and that I came down to hang out, it meant a lot to him. We had a great time just hanging out and talking and making jokes and throwing ice :) he went to the jukebox and played some songs, one was Drink a Beer I just broke down and walked outside... I tried to hold in my tears. After a moment the song changed and Ryan came outside... Told me to get up, gave me a huge hug and asked why I left cuz I play that song all the time (it is one of his favorite songs) I told him it just hit me last night. We went back inside and sat around joking some more... Everyone cleared out of the bar and Ryan Lisa and myself went back to my place and chilled there and talked... Mostly about boobs lol. But also had some really deep conversation about Ryan's life and his relationship. Everyone had to leave so around 2:30 Lisa took off then Ryan gave me a big long teddy bear hug then left :) it was an absolutely amazing night that I won't ever forget.!!

Insecure

Ok I know I have a couple pounds to lose, but lately I've been thinking how I haven't dated anyone since July of 2013... I feel so alone but at the same time I feel like I can't be with anyone ( not that anyone wants me) because I'm so stuck on Ryan and he's my friend and I don't want to be so torn up over him when he leaves this world that I push someone else good away... I just don't know what I'm doing anymore... I feel so stuck and alone but I don't want to hurt anyone else in my life.
Then it doesn't help when I go out alone people practically point and stare at me.... Its so depressing how everyone I see out there that's half decent is married or so young... What really is hard is so many people that are younger than me that I know are off getting married and having a great life... And I feel like I'm sitting here stuck in the mud never getting anywhere....

Hours at the bar

It has been crazy today, being down at the bar. I wasn't sure if I was gonna even come down but since Ryan invited me last night I figured I would stop in and at least have a drink and say hi. So much fun has happened!! I flipped him off and he looks at me smiles an says you would.... *face bright red* instantly..... we sat an laughed about it an when I mean sat I'm on a stool an there's one like 4 inches from mine so he was leaning on me in like 5 places.... I went from comfortable to sweat soaked in about 2 seconds flat..... Haha then we joked about why I had the spins last night, Hes all, its not my fault, an I looked at him an he's like ok maybe a little an winked I said the frickin drinks are about clear... Hes all eh it's weak coke. We just keep playing back and forth it feels so good to be back where we were before this whole thing blew up in our faces a month back. He gave me a 5 to go play some music on the jukebox, so I played chicken fried and he just starts belting it out, I didn't realize how good of a singer he is! my insides melted so much... Just being able to joke and laugh with him again makes my day better, makes my week better!!! And I'm always up for a good laugh :) I can't believe I spent 7 hours down at the bar with one of my best friends being able to laugh and joke and talk and catch up on everything lately!! I'm glad to have my friend back and I can't wait for these next few weeks, they should be good ones!!. We also are sharing a keno ticket, 4 of his numbers and 4 of mine, we are going to play it every Sunday night and see if we get the 8 spot win, if so we split it 50/50 such is about 8 grand each. Sounds like a great deal!! Well I'm gonna take all the perfect memories of tonight and go to bed with them. So glad I chose to go down to the bar for a 'few ' :)

Another night

Just another night out at the bar... Been an interesting one... At least things between Ryan an myself are better a little... Been a little crazy too... Since I started smoking again after a bad night I had a month ago I had a cigarette behind my ear and Ryan came over and told me I don't want it an I did... He took it away and tossed it... Then I told him why I had started again and he gave me one of his and we went out an smoked an talked trucks some... We just might get past all this shit that's been happening between us lately... I just miss having my friend and being able to talk to him. I'm waiting for spring and summer to hopefully have my boat going so we can spend some time out on the water with him. I hate not knowing how long we really have left. Before he's gone and I become a complete disaster. I already miss him knowing what is to come. I hate worrying about him but I can't do anything about it. I just wish things would start looking up for me again. I'm tired of all this negativity and shit that's happening to me all the time. When does it get better??