ups n downs

ok let's start with the ups! I'm loving fire dept stuff!! and roller derby! they are both so much fun and I love all the new friends in making in both!! ok that was my happy stuff now the downers :/
these past few weeks after Kalab an I had a huge blow up have been really crappy, I thought things were going pretty good and they were, till shit happened... I'm always screwing up what I think is finally right. I just want to be happy an find that someone who wants me to be happy with them too... I've been hanging out with this guy trever, he's alright for a little bit of time when he's sober, which isn't often and I'm beginning to see that he needs friends that can support him and help him and I don't have the time or patience for that. I really want to get up and leave this town, all the pain and memories that are sad, I want to get out and start over! I can't wait for the second week in may for the roadtrip!! I just feel so alive those days on the road seeing the countryside fly by as we go :D that puts a smile on my
face! the more time I have to just sit around the more I keep thinking back to Kalab, I know I've got to just let it go because he's not gonna come back around even as friends, I really
screwed that one up, I really wish I hadn't, but hey we all make shit mistakes and gotta learn somehow, no matter how painful... there's so much these days I want to do, but getting a job is priority and very hard to do to get the free time and money I want to do what I want like fix my truck and start my other truck project to go play in the hills with... there's always so much I want to do and never any way to ever get there, I want to start my life and not be in this hole where I'm stuck, i can't find my way out and it's all I want to do, to move past this all and start again, new job, new place, new hobbies, new (more) friends that will actually do stuff with me like go out for drives an do crazy stuff... I want to start into this and have no clue how to get there.. I guess I should shut off my thoughts and try to sleep and quit rambling on an on about all the what ifs and wants I have... night y'all!