insanity and obsession

I dont know where to even start... maybe crying... maybe shutting everyone out including him... I just don't know how to feel anymore. I want to talk to him and figure it all out but I don't wanna ruin what little grasp on this situation I do have... I can't lose him again, though I don't even have him... it's just one of those things where yeah I know so much about him an all his mistakes good an bad an I still don't care I just want him, he's such a gentleman that it pushes all the bad to the back of my mind and all I see is this man who wants to do what's right and works his ass off to get where he is and still have time to be a kid an have a hell of a good time. I just wish I could grow the balls to sit down an talk to him. we have texted more recently an both yesterday and twice today I passed him an we made eye contact, it's like the more I see him around the more I want to talk to him and be with him, the more I see him the more I want to be by his side. I just don't know how to go about it without messing it all up. for now I'm trying to stick to my no texting him first rule, it really kills me inside... but I can't push him away an lose him knowing it was me being stupid again ok so here's what I've figured out... I want to ask him why he ever texted me back after he told me to never talk to him again. what was the reason? if I can get that across without ruining anything, I may be able to function like a normal (well you know. for me) person. I may actually be able to function in my heart again and not be so stuck or confused an hurt. well of to bed, ish that's all I'm gonna rant for now