Crazy dreams

I don't understand how this happens, I don't get why I have such vivid dreams and always wake up sad and dissapointed that it wasn't real. Last night in my dream it was such a wonderful night and started out with me down at the bar hanging out with Ryan. I went home because I was done drinking. then there was a house fire and I helped move a pt. But got yelled at because I tried to put the shifter into park in the medic and it just wasn't happening. Then I went to my house and Ryan said he was coming over to hang so I waited around for him. Then it turned into a house party and we snuck up into my bedroom to be alone and just talk. We sat their discussing life and everything going on and everything then he leaned over and kissed me. My whole stomach did flips and I was so shocked and surprised that it took me a second to realize what was actually happening. We kissed for a while then he had to go back home so he left but kept texting me. He came back over later and we kissed again. He pushed me up against the wall and kissed me like he meant it and my knees went weak and I never wanted to leave and just as he was about to whisper something in my ear I woke up.... I hate it... I hate how everything works out in my dreams but in life nothing does....

Breaking down

I hate when I'm having such a good time and am able to be positive then something happens and it triggers something on my mind that just throws me off my axis and I break down and just lose my mind. This happened to me Friday evening down at Rabbits. I was completely fine, minus a few drinks, and it just hit me like a wave. I just started crying and broke down over my friend, I don't want to lose him but I know it's not my decision. I don't have any way to stop the inevitable. All I can do is be thankful for the time I do get to spend with him and take nothing for granted. I just don't like the feeling that I could lose him any day. This is going to be a really difficult 4 years for me, and even harder after he's gone. I just don't know how to handle it all. I've never been in a situation where I know I'm going to lose one of my best friends to a medical condition and he's so young also. I just don't know how to feel or act and I don't want to hurt inside. I really need comfort and my other friends around me in this time of life and it's trials...

The Bartender

It absoultly amazes me that I've made such good friends with Ryan... It bugs me that I get jealous of him laughing with other girls in the bar, but I know he treats me well because he only talks and texts me. I know we all have our problems. But he is such a sweetheart!! I love coming down and visiting with him and laughing with him. Hes so gorgeous to look at working hard an busting his ass. It really shocked me when he told me everything that was going on with him medically. The base line is the 6 doctors he has spoken with Have all given him maybe 4 years to live. It hit me really hard knowing I dont have much time left with my friend. It hurts to know he's only got a few years. I'm so proud of him for keeping on living life to the fullest and not giving up on anything.

Donny

Well it's been 6 years since I met this amazing man! He has been such an influence on my life. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I hope we are able to continue being best friends and hanging out and talking whenever we can. I'm really gonna miss this goober... I hate the fact that he's moving to bend. I'm really glad he has a great job to go to. The fire department will not be the same without him around. I'm already missing all his stories and jokes and constant banter... The way he always jokes around always has something to say. He's such an inspiration to come back after all he's been through. It makes me want to be a better person. But I feel like him being gone will make that difficult for me. I can't help crying when I think of him and everything he's done for me. I'm really going to miss him. All the fights we have an good times. He's always going to hold a special place in my heart. I still remember being scared of him when I first met him because I thought he was so mean and scary. But after he took me under his wing an showed me how to play with fire I learned he is a very patient and kind guy. He's a little rough and crusty if you don't know him but he's a really big teddy bear with a huge heart. I already feel so alone without him around because I've been spending so much time these last few days helping him get everything ready to leave. It's been really hard on me. I'm tired of crying but I can't help it. I have to keep telling myself he's just around the block. And next week he will be working hard and that's where he needs to be.

Stupid crazy life

Well my life has been so uninteresting an super boring... No one talks to me anymore, no one really cares, an I can never get anything I need accomplished. Guys are repulsed by me and nothing is going right in life... I've pretty much given up on all my dreams cuz they are so far away I'd be so shocked if they actually came true even halfway. I've been so depressed lately because of all the stress and I just want to give up, I won't but it sure hurts... Then there's all the things that I was a part of or important to me, but I guess I'm not important to them. I just don't understand what I did to deserve being completely abandoned...

Senses

Our senses amaze me, the way the brain works to pick up so much going on. The ears and the way they can recognize a voice they haven't heard in months, the eyes and the way someone looks is burned into your memory, your nose and the way a simple fragrence brings back so many memories and feelings, and the lips, that so easily remember the kisses they've had. The way your skin ripples and curves to remember an embrace of comfort. So many memories are stored in our senses. Sitting out here on my back porch finishing off a cigarette, the smell reminding me of many good times I've had with friends down at the station. The smell of laundry dryer sheets floating in the breeze reminds me of good times at work, and the closeness I've had to people. The warm summer air and the way it blows on my skin and reminds me of warm nights under the stars....

The scream of the sirens

Most days I love the Blair of the siren going off and the adrenaline rush of jumping into your gear and hopping on a fire truck screaming off to a house fire or car accident. I'm always up for a little hose action or prying if metal. Tonight I found myself at home in the back of the Medic, I really enjoy it back here. All the different possibilities of calls. Screaming moms, belligerent fighters, and scared children. I love it all Fire and EMS is what I want to do! I love my coworkers and friends, they are all my family! I just hope one day I don't have to make a choice between fire or EMS. #fire4life #medic4life

Jealousy

I don't know what is wrong with me or why I have any reason to be jealous, maybe it's because I'm fat and not as pretty as the other girls maybe it's because I'm a pain in the ads or maybe just because no one really cares even if they 'say' they do. I don't understand what I've done in life to become this person that everyone pretends to like. I can't stay jealous, but I can't keep pretending it doesn't hurt me either... Is it so bad to want attention? Is it too much to ask for someone to want me. I'm sick of being so alone in this world I feel like theres nothing else out there for me. I want to just disappear, no one would notice. They never notice anything wrong with me, like the recent scars of the knife on my arm... Like the tear tracks that run down my face at night... I'm trying to make it somewhere in life but everything seems like a dead end. Or it's good for a little while but never gets better or only is good for a little while before I become trapped in this circle of blah that's no good for me... How do I escape it all?? I don't know what to do...

Invisible

I don't know why people say that they care about me. As soon as I'm down and need help there's no one around wanting to care about me... I feel so alone and invisible and cold and lonely and hurt and jealous and ignored.... It's like no one wants to ask me how my day went, no one cares to see if I'm doing alright... I just want a few things in life, is it really too much to ask to be happy??? :/ I'm going to crawl in a hole now, if you all really care you would come find me...

What to do...

I feel so stuck without being able to know which direction is the best to take right now. I know what's right an wrong, but at the same time I have this craving that I can't stop... All my bad habits, chewing, smoking, drinking, sleeping around. I really need to cut the bad out of my life but I don't know where to start or how to quit. I know what I want I just don't know how to get there from here. I just want someone who cares about me and wants to be my encouragement in my life. Be there for me in the thick an thin and love me for me. I feel so depressed and wanting to cry all the time is ridiculous. I don't know how I've become that person we all shied away from and said we would never be. I want to be better but I don't know how. I know I can't rely on anyone to make me a better person because as soon as they leave I'll fall right back into the pattern I was in. I feel like I've fallen so far from where I started, I feel like I've fallen past that deep hole I was in 6 years ago. I'm in a slump and just want to bury myself in a corner an cry and shut out the world. I don't know what I can do anymore I'm so sick of the hurt and pain. I don't want to go back to cuttin but it's what let's the pain out. It gives me a release but only for a minute. Then I'm right back where I was... Right back to the bottom of that black hole... I feel a lot like eyore. No one cares if I've fallen. No one wants to help me back up I'm just stuck in this shit world by myself to try an figure it all out on my own... Well here's to me failures an all.... 

More memories

Memories

Why is it when I’ve been hurt all the memories come flooding back to me? It just kills me inside. It’s just the little things sitting here with a dip in my lip, it takes the saliva building up to remind me of cigaretts and how dry they are, an the smell of a pack of Marlboro reds an the way his hands smell of tobacco, and the way his head was resting on mine, the smell of cigaretts on his breath, the way he tipped his head right before he kissed me softly and the world disappeared. The way his mouth moved with mine, the way my stomach turned in knots an wanted to never stop, the way I fell for him that night…. Why do these memories come back to me and kill me inside an I remember how those lips will probably never touch mine again and I will never feel that way again. It kills me that he won’t talk to me…

I know I haven't posted on here in a long time, my head has been so twisted up and confused I don't even know which way is up. I'm so hurt an stuck I don't know who to turn to.... I know there's a huge story behind this post but I don't know if I'm comfortable about everyone knowing about it... All I know is I never knew I could make such bad things sound so positive and romantic.... I want the hurting an confusion to stop, my head says one thing and my hear another, so for now I'll just hold on and keep taking it day by day. My music is all I feel I have a hold of anymore.... 

That's all for now I guess.