the best birthday!

ok dint start out so great, bruised my nose really good, don't think I broke it or fractured it, it's not as bruised as it could be, then got stung like 10 times on my head... anyway after work I went and made a cake cuz Lisa told me to lol, anyway ended up hanging at jess' for like 7 and a half hrs lol, it was amazing, we talked some an came to some decisions :) ... we headed to his room for a movie, snuggled some : then he kissed me I swear my heart stopped then restarted at 150 mph lol, but yeah it was amazing ;D

a sunny day

these kind of days really take me back, back to the sunny wonderful days of last year all the fun I had, the people I hung with, the things we did, such great memories, I miss those days. I'm sitting here drinking a pepsi, covered in grease and taking a quick break from my truck, wishin I had someone helping me, my get up an go motivation got up and left without me... I want to get it done but there is so much to do left on it... I just want to go lay in the park or something... glad I'm outside, but I wish I could just sit and do nothing... or go swim, I can't even do that :P anyway I guess I should keep goingif I want to get my truck done by mid September!!

an honest confession of a schocking experience

ok, first off getting the tat was so painful, but worth it, its kick-ass :D i love it...
second off tonight was a blast, hung out with jess and stamy, lets jsut say only alcohol would have made it more interesting lol... anyway, you want to know my confession, ok.... here goes... as we were all piled in stamy's new truck, jess was changin stations (oh i was in the middle fyi) and put his hand on my knee for like 3 seconds, in those 3 seconds a million things happened ... my head spun, my heart fluttered, my pulse raced, i felt this schock hit me, it was crazy, my mind went into so many thoughts, my hands got shakey, i felt this like heat wave hit me, i didnt want him to move it,  i didnt know that one simple thing like that could have that effect on me, it was totally unexpected, it wasnt bad at all, it was jsut.. i dont know how to describe it, all i know is i havent felt that kind of feeling for over 8 months, and never that intense, it just kinda stopped the world for a minute, we were headed to Sherry's for a 4th meal :D it was good, and fun, playin corners on the way back lol.. anyway, gotta say ive missed those hugs too, :) anyway i should go to bed, tho i dont know if i really want to sleep on my side, cuz its gonna hurt.. anyway night :)

kissing those lips

a kiss, a caress, a gentle touch, the loving look, beautiful eyes, warm smile, and the perfect hug. 

all those times ive kissed those lips I've  fallen in love even more, the soft perfect lips, those ones that caressed mine in that special moment, those lips that fit mine. I miss those lips, those perfect kisses, never awkward, they were always just right. I've kissed other lips, they were so different from these perfect lips, dry short kisses, and only once, those kisses were nice, but not the same as the kisses I remember. the other kisses are always long and drawn out, slightly awkward, and just different. the perfect kisses from those perfect lips are all I want, no other kisses are the same, no other kisses are just right every time. I miss the smile when we kissed, and killing the moment, laughing about it, I miss those moments, wrapped up in your arms, you would just lean over and kiss me.. a kiss is that perfect moment when you are with that perfect person, and the world disappears... 

my dream

I finally decided what I want to do... but I don't know how I'm gonna get it done.... 
I want a farm, not a little one but at least 100 acres, 50 head of cattle for food, some pigs and horses and some chickens, grow a garden that will completely support my family, a few fruit trees and a few hay fields, I want to become completely independent on a farm, with a cowboy of a husband that works hard to help get it all done, I want to make this dream happen, raise a family on the farm. I don't know how we would get the money, what job to help support it, where to find a land, I don't know how long it would take to establish it and keep it going, I don't know if it would even happen, but that's what I'm wishing for, now I'm just waiting on a dream... 

'effed up again

I frickin keep screwing it up... I don't see the difference between here and text tho... is it really that wrong of me to tell him I miss him?... I suppose it is, cuz it sure shuts down a convo in an instant... I just keep messin every little thing, I can't even have a decent talk with him without screwing it up.... I don't know what to do... I just wanna sit here and cry.. I miss him so much and I'm being shut out.

I want to be back in his arms, back in the security of his love,his personality and the way he puts things into words, I miss his jokes, his smile, his laugh, his beautiful blue eyes, I just miss him so freakin much... and yet I can't have him.. I can have anybody, I seem to just repel people I don't keep friends good, and I just mess things up, I'm a path of destruction where evere I go... for 7 months of my life I felt like I wasn't a complete wreck, I felt like I actually had a reason in this life, and now I am lost and stuck... I don't know what to do anymore, I just want some answers ... love you jess

memories and reminders

everywhere i go there is something or someone that reminds me of the past, reminds me what i had, reminds me what i want back. there is always that constant reminder of holding your hand, kissing your lips, and just touching your face. i jog around town and see you everywhere, not literally, but in the past, i see us, what we used to be, i go places and see us there too, what we used to do, where we used to go, all the times we had, everything that we lived for, it is all still there reminding me of what i want back, of what i miss. I so badly miss hanging out at your place, just sitting and watching movies, talking about nothing. I miss our drives to the beach, and the late nights at the drive in, the promise of being together forever. i miss holding you in my arms, i miss caring for you when you were sick, i miss everything about you. and everyday it comes back, something reminds me of a memory, and i go back, i cant get away from it, and it jsut makes me miss you that much more, it makes me want to be better than what we were before. I cant go 1 hour without thinking about you, you are everywhere i look, i cant get you off my mind, i miss you so much, and i constantly have to refrain from texting you that i love you, but i do, so very much and with all the pieces in my broken heart, i love you, now and forever. there is no lie in these words, i will always love you till the end of the earth, always without faulter, and without fear, you will always be a part of me. i want so bad to hold you and prove to you that we could make it work, i want so bad to walk up behind you and hug you until the world dissapeares, i jsut want to be with you, because you are everything to me, and all that i ever want.... i miss you beyond what words can describe and i love you so much more than there are seconds in a day. i love you , goodnight <3

a song describes an emotion

I have many many song running through my head these days, many of which are songs we used to listen to, some new ones as well, I figured I'd stick em up here...
in my head, Jason deruelo,
not a day goes by, lonestar,
didn't you know how much I loved you, kellie pickled
I just can't live a lie, Carrie underwood
close, rascal flatts
the day you kissed me, rascal flatts
I'll just hold on, Blake Shelton
fall, clay walker
love remembers, Craig Morgan
dancing with tears in my eyes, Ke$ha
solo, iyaz
airplanes, B.O.B.
your love is my drug, Ke$ha

I think these are most of them, I just can stay away any longer, I can't not think of you and I can't not think about you all the time I miss you like he'll, and I still love you like crazy ... night <3
~a waiting Nicki

surprise :)

I was litrially thinking, "I wish Jess was here" then looked down the driveway as he walked up, it was the freakiest thing ever, but so nice at the same time. :) I didn't realize how much I've missed him until last weekend and then more so tonight... he lifted my mood this afternoon and now it's gone... ive been in the most cuddly mood lately with no one to share it with and its killing me... sitting alone at home watching movies by myself and sitting around doing nothing. driving around time trying to find something to do... and nothing ever does. I miss him like crazy, my arms feel so empty... night

triangle lake

well started off pretty good, friday did nothing but swim.. stayed up till 2, and had a very interesting night.. then work up at 7:30 before my alarm. played in the water all day, got up on the wakeboard first try :) and attempted and failed miserably at jumping, oh well it was fun, went for a jog friday night, that was weird, anyway, went kyaking that was ok.. all around the weekend wasnt great but it had some ups... this morning was really rough, i dont know why but it was.. people asked about you... yeah.. anyway thats pretty much the highlights.. laters :P oh yeah i got way sunburned.. lol

so lost

im so confused right now, i dont even know where to begin, im not gonna assume anything, but i was curious about your status... does it have anything to do with me? cuz it went up about 30 min after you left. i just dont know whats going on in your head and you arent telling me anything.. can we try to be open with each other? i thought thats what friends did, you tell each other stuff and then help each other with it.

i just dont know waht to say or do anymore, i feel like im always bugging you or simply in the way. i am trying to be as open with you about what im thinking, but it never seems to help anything either, i know last weekend was crazy for you. im trying to be patient and jsut take things as they come, but its so hard to do, waiting for everything i ever wanted.

there are things in life that dont matter, and things that do, right now im fighting for the one thing that means the world to me, the one thing that is the best thing ive ever found in life beside God, I dont know if you realize how much you mean to me or how much i am willing to do for you. ive never had this feeling about anything until i met you, i dont even know how to describe it. all i know is when i get up in the morning i think of you and what i can do to make it right between us again. i pray every night for you, and that everything works out how its supposed to with us. you are everything i want <3

i keep waiting to look up from what im doing and see you standing there, your gorgeous smile and handsome face just watching me, i so badly want to jsut hold you in my arms. then today you show up out of the blue, that in itself made my day. but it so sucked that i couldnt even really talk or anything with you cuz i was stuck at the dumb machine. i sit there working and the senarios keep playing in my head, how you would walk up behind me and wrap your arms around my waist like you used to do and hold me close and kiss my neck... it drives me insane now, that standing 20 feet away from you drives me crazy, i so badly wanted to leave my machine and go stand by you, to be next to you, cuz that makes me happy, and that makes me feel like im alive again, when you leave im jsut a brokenhearted shutdown blob that mopes around but when you show up i come alive and i begin to actually function again.

im done ranting for the night, i miss you, and i love you so much, <3

another mood phase

ever had a heart full of love and no one to share it with? ever been in the most snuggly cuddly mood and not have anyone to just sit and be with? I so want to just snuggle on a couch curled up in a blanket and someone's arms and just watch a movie, just be able to sit and do nothing with someone... it's such a hard thing to contain, all these emotions that keep building up in me and I can't share them.
I miss your hugs and snuggling,I miss just sitting there in each others arms doing nothing, just talking and hanging out...