lost again :P

great jsut figured out i left my license at zumba last night and have no way to get it back.. i have errands to run adn stuff.. grr this is aggrivating, im stressed out about it, i have lunch in salem hopefully im getting a ride, and then tonight i got stuff too.. erg why didnt i double check my pockets last night?!?!?!?! *aggrivated* why does this always happen to me? i hate losing stuff!!! well i guess i should jsut wait for a reply.. if that ever happens...

congloberation of mixed feelings :/

I don't know what to do, I want one thing then the next moment I want something else... there are so many pros and cons to decisions... and right now I'm weighing both.. I don't know what's happening... I can't sort out my feelings an have no idea which side is up in my emotions right now... I want one thing, but I want that too... I want to quit hurting people, I want this to be right I want to make the right choice... i just don't know.... ugh... :( I hurt still ... i just wish.... erg... :/ it's my choice and my future life... what do I really want? why am I supposed to do... I want to be happy and not confused... I want to be free and not weighed down by a wrong decision... *sigh* I hate being stuck...

choices

we all have choices to make everyday and recently a choice I have to make has become a huge one in my life, I don't know what I'm choosing yet, I'm letting the Lord guide me, but I do feel a pull to one direction for what's right. this has been incredibly stressful and hard for me, especially this time of year and everything going on, I don't want to Hirt anyone and idont want to lose anyone, I just want it to work out and be right. I want it to be real, I want to be good. I want to be able to live out my dream with someone I love and who loves me
for who I am, quirks and all. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions about anything just yet. this is very difficult on me and what brought this all up yesterday was one single song, it hit me an I almost was in tears, it took me back and made me think.... it was a sing I haven't heard in months and have tried to avoid but tw radio got me... it was the song Then, it took me back to all the memories I shut out, took me bak to everything we used to be and everything we had together... took me back and made me realize what I shut out, if you really want to change like you say you do and your blog portrays I feel like I can't not give you yet another chance... I'm not making any final decisions yet, but like I said I'm being pulled one direction... ... I don't know... but I'm gonna find out and make this right...

S.H.I.T.

Damn, im always screwing everything up. always.. nothing i do is ever right or the better choice.. i make all the right decisions after its too late and messed up. i dont know what to do... i feel like shit for hurting you .. honestly i really do.. i feel like shit for walking out the door friday, i feel like shit for all of this. i just came to a point in life where i realized that i wasnt going to get anywhere wishin that i had someone back after a year of disappointment, hurting and depression. i had a curveball thrown at me.. for a day or so i didnt know what to do, dodge it catch it or hit it... i kinda just let it fly by me.. then went and picked it off, dusted it off, and tossed it in the grass and kicked it around.
two wrongs NEVER make a right, i tried to justify myself with what happened to me a year ago.. i got tossed over the fence and forgotten, then smashed into the dirt, wiped off and thrown back into the mud... i got the dirt rubbed in my face, and it hurt, bad... i had to learn to deal with that pain, shove it in the back of my mind and block it from my memory, it took me so long to block it out, then you came and wiped the dirt off again, picked me up and held me, i got so confused and lost i didnt know what happened, and i was so hurt again. i finally broke free and got out of the grasp of the pain, then you offered it back and i had blocked it out and it took me by surprise, but i had gotten to the point of getting myself off the grass and out of the dirt. ive picked myself back up and started walking on my own two feet again... i moved on. i fought the battles in my head for a year, the pain the longing, the dreaming, the waiting. ive grown strong enough to block those, i grown strong enough to move on, and i did
im sorry it hurt, i didnt mean it to, i didnt wish for it to hurt, or break you down, but there are so many differences and conflicts between us past and present.. it just doesnt work... i cant see it ever being what it was, or even working.. there is no trust, its near impossible to build a relationship without any trust. maybe if one day God's plan is for us to be together, then He will make a way. but for now our paths are headed different directions.

chaos

I don't know where I am, what I'm doin or where I should go or what I should do... I'm so stuck right now, who do I trust, who do I ignore, who do I believe, what is going on here... I have so many decisions to make and any one of them could screw up so much and make everything fall apart, I don't know what I want or who for that matter. I've been offered so many things and so broken before I just dont know what to do. I'm hurt and stuck and feel lost and confused on so many levels. I know what I want and I don't know how to get there with my options, I dont know if I choose one way if it would really be right this time, would it really work would it really be what I want? would it really not hurt again... I don't know... friends don't like my second option... neither do parents, I just have no clue what to do... God I need your help, I need your love to comfort me... I need you.

I just want someone who is gonna be there and not have drama and shit going on all the time, I want someone who is loving all the time, willing to see both sides of an argument, someone who doesn't care if I screw something up, I want to go to the beach or mountains just because, hop in the truck and just drive somewhere. I want to curl up to a movie, i want to just hang out and spend time together, I want to walk down main street holding hands, I want to feel the fire of passion for someone like I used to. I want to know everything is going to work out, I want to be free again. I want to share my life with someone and get where I want to in life. I don't want to waste my life away, I want to live for God and do what He wants, I want to start a family, I want to go to school next September, I want to achieve my goal in life. I want someone who believes I can do that.

I have two songs in my head... ...

as she's walkin away

We never spoke a word
But every thought she had I heard from across the room
We were standing face to face
I couldn't find the words to say give me one more move
I don't even know her name
I guess foolish prides to blame

First Chrous:
Now I'm fall'n in love as she's walking away
and my heart won't tell my mind to tell my mouth what it should say
May have lost this battle, live to fight another day
Now I'm fall'n in love as she's walking away

Wise man next to me did say
bout the one that got away
"son i missed my chance
Don't you let regret take place
of the dreams you have to chase
ask her to dance.... go on son
you might fall down on your face
roll the dice and have some faith"

Second Chorus:
Don't be fall'n in love as she's walking away
when your heart won't tell your mind to tell your mouth what it should say
May have lost this battle, live to fight another day
Don't be fall'n in love as she's walking away

you might fall down on your face
roll the dice and have some faith

Third Chorus (and ending)
Don't be fall'n in love as she's walking away
when your heart won't tell your mind to tell your mouth what it should say
May have lost this battle, live to fight another day
Don't be fall'n..., fall'n... , fall in love.... as she's walking awaaaay


just the way you are:

Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin'
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her, she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay?
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
You know I'll say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are, yeah



I want someone to love me for who I am. tell me I'm beautiful. I want to be fun and flirty again. I don't know what to do.... and for now I guess I'll just wait things out...

so much...

there is so much going on right now , new friends, old friends, back stabbers, liars, people who say one thing then turn and do another... I don't know where I am or what I'm doing anymore... I know what I'm currently enjoying in life, but don't know what direction I'm supposed to go. there is still that crazy feeling in my gut when a specific person does a specific thing and it drives my mind and heart insane, it makes me want it all the more... I don't know what to do who to say what to think anymore... it's crazy but I know who I'm happy with... ugh so many thoughts...