100 truths, because im so bored!!

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: monster
2. Last phone call: Ariel
3. Last text message: To Jesse
4. Last song you listened to: whiskey girl
5. Last time you cried: today, watchin a movie lol

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: yes...
7. Been cheated on: Not that i know of
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yes
9. Lost someone special: Yes
10. Been depressed: Yes, very
11. Been drunk and threw up: haha yeah

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. green
13. black
14. blue

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)
15. Made a new friend?: Yes
16. Fallen out of love? no 
17. Laughed until you cried? Yes
18. Met someone who changed you? Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were? Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you? no
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friends' list? yes

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life? pretty much all of them i think
23. A TV show you wish was NOT canceled? csi miami
24. Do you have any pets? My kitties, and horses
25. M&M's with or with OUT peanuts? Without
26. What did you do for your last birthday? worked then went over to Jesse's....... <3
27. What time did you wake up today? which time? the first time was at like 3:40 to shawn puking haha, but got up at 9
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? holding hands with jess on the broken futon lol
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: the future!!
30. Last time you saw your Mother? at lunch
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? the way i spend money, wish id be wiser
32. What are you listening to right now? love remembers
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yes
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? my cats scratching the carpet
35. Most visited webpage?: prolly facebook
36. PC or Mac?  uh either 
37. Nicknames: nicki, icky, nick, babe
38. Relationship Status: completely taken <3
39. Zodiac Sign: libra
40. Lady or Gent? Lady
41. Elementary? rickreall
42. Middle School? Faith Christian/ Lacreole
43. High School? Dallas High School
44. Hair Color? brown 
45. Long or short? Long
46. Height? 5'4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes :)
48. What do you like about yourself? (im gonna brag here) im photogenic!!
49. Piercings? Ears, belly button
50. Tattoos? 3
51. Righty or lefty? righty
52. First surgery? back of leg
53. First Piercing? Ears
54. First best friend? Joila Cops
55. First sport you joined? gymnastics
58. Notice 56 & 57 missing? Not until this question

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating: doritos
60. Drinking: monster
61. *Poke*: .. *POKE*
62. *Poke*: hey!! ... *POKE TIMES A HUNDERED* !!!
63. Waiting for? forever to happen :D
64. Want kids? yes some day
65. Get Married? yes some day :D
66. Career? going for bartending

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: both!! but hugs if sad and kisses if happy
69. Shorter or taller: Taller
70. Older or Younger: Older
71. Romantic or spontaneous: yes!
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: uh .. nice butt.. :D
73. Sensitive or loud: a mix, i want neither!!
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship only!
75. Trouble-maker or hesitant: yes lol

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger? No
77. Drank hard liquor? yup
78. Lost glasses/contacts? yup
79. Had sex on first date? No
80. Broken someone's heart? Yes
81. Had your own heart broken? yeah
83. Turned someone down? Yes
84. Cried when someone died? Yes
85. Fallen for a friend? Yes


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself? usually
87. Miracles? Yes
88. Love at first sight? Yes
89. Heaven? Yes!
90. Santa Claus? No, haha
91. Kiss on the first date? nope
92. Angels? Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 
93. Had more than one bf/gf at the same time?: technically yes,.. depends how you look at it
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Very much so!!
95. Did you sing today? i always do
96. Ever cheated on somebody? No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? I would like to fix the end of 2009, but today wouldnt be the same if i did
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? i would pick one from 2009, it would be the day after Jesse and i got back from a jog after school, he was wearing a white t-shirt, the sun was shining and we were laying under the tree in his moms front yard, my head on his chest listening to his heart beating and jsut living in that moment :D
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? no im not afraid!
100. Posting this as 100 truths? yup

why?

why is it that the moment you leave my heart sinks?
why is it that the moment I walk out the door I feel sad?
why is it I miss you so much when I only saw you yesterday?
why is it I feel so lonely when your not by my side?
why is it I feel lost with out you holding my hand?

I know why, its because you hold my heart, you hold my soul, and you fill me up with your love and I come alive! When I'm around you I'm complete again. When you hold my hand, I never worry about being lost, I know you are here for me whenever I fall, and I never have to worry about being alone. When I was not yours to hold it felt wrong to be in their arms, it felt wrong to stay away from you. I wasn't living when I was away from you, I was dead to them and dead to myself, I was dead to you. There wasn't any spark of life in me, I was just going day to day, trying to survive on my own, trying to survive without you. it wasn't what I wanted, nor what I needed, I needed you. When you hold me in your arms the world fades away and you're all I see. Your love wrapped around me will never disappear.  When you are around me I am vibrant and full of life and love. I will never leave you, you know this, the past was the past and we are living in the present :) I love you Jess, forever and always <3

a million unanswered questions...

:P first off I'm just gonna say I'm not gonna worry about it... it's not my place to know so I'll leave it be... but I still have a million questions in my head as to why he came over... I was in rickreall and headed to my parents pull in the drive and Jess was there... kinda shocked, but ok whatever lol... he left so I asked dad a simple question... what's he know... dads response "I dunno"... awesome now I got a million questions but I'm just gonna leave it be... like I said not my place to know anything...

anyway i had an amazing weekend!! love love loves dyeing hair with Melinda!! it was awesome till jinhoon kept interrupting lol but yeah Sunday night was wonderful... not gonna elaborate but I certainly enjoyed it haha :) life is pretty amazing and I can't wait to see where it takes me, but I do know that I'm gonna be happy with whoever is by my side :D laters y'all!!!

ranting and raving

ok so right now i TOTALLY wish it were summer!! i really miss those hot sunny days where you could just kick back and do nothing. sit around with your friends and live for the moment.. those days were the best!! i really wanna go to the fair right now i dont know why but i really want to lol. just the atmosphere, and smells :D i miss the warm drive ins, sitting in the grass, jogging, beach days, and just talking about endless truck things :D i cannot wait for this summer to arrive!!! i wanna make the most of it this year!! i want it to be a blast!! ok so im totally very talkitive right now and i got no idea why , i jsut am lol.. so yeah im excited for saturday!! getting the 'love' tattoo on my hand!! woohoo!! yeah im just in a crazy mood.. cant really be explained.. kinda a warm fuzzy estatic butterfly-y hyper, impatient, happy, crazy mood!! i want so much to happen right now, but i gotta have patience and let the cards fall when they do.. and that for me is SO hard right now!!! but yeah back to the beginning i want the sunshine to be here, i want triangle lake to be here, i want to relive those memories from the past, i want to revisit summer of '09 but do it better!!!! i really want to make the most of life!! and i wanna do it with those i love by my side!! :D i feel like ive been missing out for a while.. and i dont like that feeling... it wasnt a good one... i cant wait to see what is in store for this coming year!! :D ... *sigh* i should quit ranting and raving.. but thats what a blogs for right? filling it up with all youre thinking?? yeah anyway all y'all prolly wanna stop reading and get back to your lives.. so i guess ill quit typing now... ok now... hahahahahaha lol.. yeah laters y'all LOVE YA!!!
~N

song in my head

this song has been in my head for the past few days :D its such a good one and its very true!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4yRsT_fPic

alive again!

it's amazing to me how you think you're living but not actually alive inside... you go day by day going through the motions, putting others first because you feel you don't matter, putting out trying to make it feel real, make it seem like you have a reason to go day to day. after some time you start to believe you're happy, you push the hurt from your mind an ignore it. you feel like you're living again and actualy happy. reality hits you like a full blow from a horse, you realize that you've been living a lie. you realize what made you happy, what brought you to life in the first place, you realize where you were when you felt that freedom. and you realize you can live again. taking in that first breath of life, the feeling of warmth takes over your heart and the butterflies take flight. the feeling of being again the feeling of living again :) it's so comforting. I cannot wait to see where this goes, this summer is going to be way better than the summer of '09 :)

crazy days and butterflies

so the last 3 days have been so crazy!! like I didnt have any perception of the issues in my relationship till my eyes were opened up and then I realized how many problems is in it and like how much shit I'm putting up with that I don't need to be! it's like I dont see what the point of this relationship is anymore... it's like I'm not getting anything out of it anymore... at least nothing beneficial to me at all, and he's dragging me down with him... I don't need that!! I can do so much better!! and I think I'm going to... I just gotta find the right time to talk to lee about it then I can move on to better things :)

now the butterflies... so yeah didn't know that feeling still existed in my heart until
I saw this text I got... my heart just fluttered and it was insane!! it was a great feeling that I haven't felt in a long time... crazy good :) I've really missed that feeling and I really wanna put out my all to make this really work, to make this really last, to make this everything we need it to be :) yeah I'm ready for this to be the best relationship ever... I wanna make it better than it was in 2009... it will be :)... anyway back to the reality of the meantime... *stress* ... no I won't be stressed!! I will be waiting for the opertunity to make this work!! :) laters y'all!!! <3

my dream for the (near) future

what i plan to accomplish is to finish out these last few months before my 21st with dad at work, then go to a two week class on bartending then find a decent job at a restraunt (most likely not just straight into the bar scene) work there for a while, build up some money so i can get credit and a loan to build my dream bar/club in the future. i really really want to make this happen, i dont know who will be by my side supporting me but thats up to God. i know its not my timing but Gods that will determine this but i would like to be married in the next few years (2-3) if possible, i want to start a family, yeah money will be tight with a business loan and family and everything but its what i want to do for a living, im gonna find a way to make this happen, i want it to be this way. i want to have this bar and run it how i like, and i jsut have to have patience getting there, i wish i knew how i was going to get there and who is gonna be by my side helping but i dont know., i really have no idea who... could be any number of people, maybe even someone i havent met... i dont know where im going i know im not giving up just yet until i have a deep convo with lee, but things are kinda iffy in my book right now.. he still thinks its smooth sailing... he doesnt see the storm brewing, the way he was raised work is more important than family, that just doesnt float my boat... some things are great other things i wanna confront him about and say hey, i disagree with you on this.. i really dont wanna lose the relationships and friendships with his friends and family that are really great, but if it doesnt work then it doesnt work! anyway i should get back to work.. not that im working hard today anyway... erg thats what is the worst about working for dad, there is never two consistent days with hrs.. its hit and miss and with the business struggling its hard on me... laters y'all!

questions and second thoughts...

wow.. so to start off this story ill say me n melinda went to a zumba master class (2 hrs) and were very very tired and sore after, melinda says i get to take a hot shower then ryan's giving me a massage.. im like psh i wish.. shes asks me wouldnt lee come over and give me one (its 9.20 and lee usually goes to bed about then because he's 'too old to stay up late') im like no prolly not.. she suggested i ask, so i did.. and got the typical reply, not tonight.. hmm well that set melinda off and got me thinkin... shes like ok what is his problem he cant come over for 15 min and give you a massage to help you relax, im like ask him. she did and it went down hill from there. push comes to shove, lee has an important job that he has to be focused and rested for and cant take the time to come give me a short massage... melinda is unhappy ( i kinda agree)(yes women are needy) because he wont go out of his way for a little bit to give me somethin because his 'work' is more important, ( like and extra 30 min of sleep is that crucial hes prolly still up watching tv) melinda asks him 'so if you married her you'd be a career first family second kinda freak huh?' his reply?... 'there is obviousally a line.....' melinda got more pissed, he says ' well my work is a career for me... so yes there is a line between work and family, i have to be focused for work to do good, but also be there for family.' melinda says ' so she's not important enough for you to take 10 min away from 'focusing on your job' to be with her when she needs you/' there was no reply.. until i egged him on to get it... 'i do care about you, but need to make sure that my career can support my future family...' which makes sense to me except i know he doesnt have a savings account and hes broke the end of each month from buying (unnecessary in my opinion) truck parts and expensive materialistic things (aka sunglasses.. dont ask how much he spent on them) so how is his career supporting a future family? i dont see that..
there is jsut so much that doesnt make sense to me but seems to to him... i dunno different ways of being raised. me n minnie were just talking about stuff and its kinda things i havent thought about.. what all we take for granted in life.. who really cares about us and who doesnt, who would drop anything to come help out, and who thinks they just need to be there when its convenient for them.

i dunno pondering many many many thoughts in my head right now.. so much going on and so many things that used to be or i used to have and what i have thats different and how its different and why it is that way.. my brain wont shut off!! gonna be a late night again even tho im wiped out physically. its kinda like melinda said, so if you (me) are at work and broke something, would he (lee) drop what hes doing at work, ask his boss if he can leave and go see you and make sure youre ok?, i honestly dont know if he would.. its like yeah he says he really cares but at the same time actions speak louder than words...

in my opinion family should always come first, no matter what, and you should be at a job that you can take off from to go meet that need, emergency or not. i dunno just some thoughts that are roaming my head and kinda stressing me out..

hes always kinda had this attitude of  'well i can tell this is going to be a longterm relationship' so it seems at times he really takes that for granted. like hey this seems like its gonna last a while, i can just cruise through life and i know she will be there for me tomorrow... i dont like that attitude or feeling, ive learned in past relationships that attitudes and lack of communication can really trash your relationship. im not gonna let this fester in my mind on my own very long, its gonna come out and gonna be discussed, so is this question " if you died today where would you go" i gotta plant that seed or its never gonna get sown, if he cant take that and he cant accept that this is the way i need a relationship to go ( im not high maitinance really just some things need to be a certain way), then im gonna really have to question him and i, yeah i have strong feelings for him, but i dont want to be treated like shit sitting on the back burner waiting to be important when its convenient..it needs to be discussed and brought out in the open where both of us can see it... relationships can seem so perfect on the outside, and people can lie to make it seem like life is fine and dandy, but on the inside there can be pain and hurt and longing that no one will ever see unless it is addressed... anyway enough rambling for tonight, this is long enough and i should try to get some sleep... well yeah pondering life, dont know where im headed, i know what i want in the (near)future, i know where i want to go, i know that, my dreams gonna be up in another blog, maybe tomorrow or so but yeah.. i know what i want, now, how am i going to get there?!?! and whos gonna be there to support and help me through it, when i need support??.... goodnight yall thanks for reading, feel free to input your ideas or questions or comments or ranting to me via email, i gotta get sleep!!! zzz night :)