butterflies and frustration

why must it always be this way? why must I never get what I want or find somethin that will actually work? why do I always fall for people I will never be able to have forever? I really don't like this pattern anymore I want someone in my life. yesterday just hanging around, sittig on a stool and he hits me in the head with his hat, then smirks and looks away... my heart jumps and goes crazy... it's so much fun just workin on trucks and joking around, but then he leaves and I text him and he ignores me... it really is painful the things I go through... I hate having all these mixed messages and I just want to talk to him and work it out but I know what the answer is gonna be and it kills me inside, there's always that spark of hope but it just gets crush when I think realistically... and if the flirting isn't bad enough I've woken up every morning for the past week after dreaming of spending time with him... it's just frustrating having this wonderful world in my head then just knowing it won't ever work out and I should just give up and go on with life alone.. it's just so painful having to be mind torchered by this day in an day out.. I dot know what to do anymore... and it's only maybe once a week I see him...

the other night was awesome... he asked me to go take care of Em both the night and morning. he also had tol me if i needed to crash there he had two beds and a couch but to not have any wild parties, which cracked me up. but anyway I was giving Em attention and just looking around his place a little and he had some adorable pictures up of him and his brother from when they were little, it makes me want to sit down and learn all about him, what all he did growing up as a kid... I just get so intrigued being around him... then my head says it's never gonna happen and I feel crushed again. I'm so stuck here I want to head to the beach and just let the waves wash away my pain.