deep dark and depressed

i have been in such a low down mood, nothing brings me back up... today was by far the worst its been in a while... i just don't know whats gotten into me lately.. all i wanna do i bawl my eyes out and go running into his arms, i wanna say screw our friendship I'm telling you i still love you and if you wanna disappear then fine disappear it isn't like you've been acting like my friend anyway... it just hurts so bad.. i don't now what to do. he just doesn't realize what he did to me, what he does to me everyday.. and why cant he just see that he's all i ever wanted? i mean seriously how can a guy completely ignore this one person who is wearing their heart on their sleeve waiting day in and day out for them? is it really that hard to see? ugh... and to add to the flames, Daniel.. i mean he and i keep having pretty good convos about life in general.. and there is a girl he likes,  so I'm letting him be right now.. but its like i feel like I'm all caught up in the twilight series, i feel like Bella, i want Jess (Edward) but he told me he doesn't want me, so i fall back on Daniel (Jacob) and become his friend, but they he finds this other girl (joins the wolf pack) and doesn't wanna betray them so he ignores me.. even tho he still cares.. and its just a big old freakin mess of i dunno's and confusion and hurt... I'm so stuck on what to do.. i have literally had to put my phone on the other side of the room so i don't pick it up and text Jess that i love him... its so hard refraining,  i never even see his truck around anymore.. its like he's purposely avoiding me... and that just hurts more.. i don't know how I'm ever gonna see the sun again.. and i am starting to forget things about him, i suppose that's good, but i miss it so much more, i just wanna hold him in my arms, hug him close and kiss him... is that really too much to ask? i just want 1 more chance to be that girl, his girl... ugh i just wanna cry!

running over

my thughts are just running over, I can't focus on anything anymore, I can't help but think of him all the time, I can't help but want to hold him again, every song on my playlist reminds me in some way of him. it's hurts so bad, my tears run over. hiding them from every one around me. I so badly want to go find him and just say exactly what I'm feeling inside right this minute. but that would be the last time I ever see him. he would never talk to me again for fear of leading me on... he would try to dissapear from my lve completely when all I want is for him to cone back into my life. I only want a second chance! although I have asked him for a secon chance and he gave it to me, and I know I'm not worthy for another. but I just want one more chance, one more day, one more time to be able to say, I love you and I'm always here...

heartache

I dont know what to do anymore.. i try so hard to keep it all inside me, i am trying so hard to keep it from showing, but being locked in from the wonderful sun and havng to work till its down and gone is pushing me back into the dark hole in my life.. i keep sinking back down, i jsut want him back, its hard to fathom that the last time i held him in my arms was Christmas day... it was so long ago, 6 months... it still hurts just as bad as the day he told me we were done forever... i keep replaying that moment over and over and over in my head and i cant get it out of my mind. why cant he see what he is still doing to me? does he not realize that i would give up my life for him in a heartbeat to save him? does he not realize i forgave him of his past over a year ago? does he not realize that when i told him i loved him forever i really honestly meant it?... i just dont understand. I am confused by his facebook posts too, is he reading his Bible again, and posting verses, or just seeing them places or what, i so badly want to ask all these questions, but know i have to refrain as to preserve our 'friendship' if thats even what you call a person who talks to another person maybe once every 2 weeks if that... i so wish i could just go back in time and do so many things differently, i would do so much better about things and i wouldnt throw fits at every little thing, i would change so much .. i already have and he doesnt see that. i just wanna say sorry and tell him i really screwed up.. i wanna tell him i still love him.. i wanna tell him that im willing to work hard to make it work again. but he has no desire at all.. he doesnt even seem to care to be friends at all, he hardly ever makes any effort. maybe he is avoiding me because he knows its hard when he's around, or maybe he just hates me... it wouldnt surprise me at all if he did, i mean i still annoying...  i also feel so guilty for things that i did when we were together and i just wish i could tell him that if i had the chance to do it over again i would. i just feel so crushed right now.. all i want to do is go running into his arms and just hug him, just hug him one more time... that brings a song to mind, one more day, by lonestar. anyway i better get back to work before i get in trouble... just trying to vent some stuff before i sink even lower ... i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont know what to feel

tonight

well here's how it went down, got back to church, hugged, he asked what now? i said i dunno... he kinda sputtered out more beatings around the bush then i asked, so what do you want to happen, he said, well i want you to be my girlfriend, and im like yeah i kinda figured, he said will you be my girlfriend, and i said yes :)... then he kissed my cheek *blush* yeah i know i will always have a special love in my heart for Jess, but i think im finally moving on :)

Disaster

this disaster is growing inside of me, I can act all calm and never 
look unhappy, but on the inside I am a mutilated mess of flesh... I am 
not involved in fun events with my so called friends, my heart 
shatters more everyday I'm apartfrom him, the pain gets stronger each 
day. the more I think of him the more I want him back. the pain the 
anger the hurt the thoughts the want, take me over. inside me I am a 
disaster of thoughts and feelings swarming together. I don't know what 
to feel on the outside, an I can tell it's leaking out, I can't keep 
it in much longer, I need a place to vent it all, I don't even fully 
vent here, the only way to feel better is to tell him myself and I 
cannot do that. I guess I'm afraid of ruining what little hold on our 
friendship I have, but I just can't stand the thought if having that 
dissapear as well. I can't lose him completely, if I do I don't know 
how I'll ever live. I know I need to let him go, but I have no clue 
how, especially when he's all I ever wanted and the only thing ever on 
my mind, even when I have a million things to think about...

the deep dark hole

i'm dying inside, really i am, i cant function, i feel like a motionless blob that is stuck in space and cant get free, i just want that one thing to release me and bring me back to the surface and love me. is that really too much to ask for? i just hurt all the time and am so unhappy in life, i don't want to be depressed but i start to fill my life with things that aren't good for me to try and be happier and get my mind off him, but in the end it doesn't help either and it just makes me miss him more.. i really wanna just walk up to him and say hey, ya know what , this may ruin our friendship, but i still love you and i miss you like crazy, and i just cant get over you, even tho its been like 7 months... i love you and i want you back.... and i almost texted him that last night, but there is the thought in the back of my head that keeps saying, don't do it, you'll regret it.. but the other voice is saying, hey if its meant to be he'll come back for you... and i just cant stand all this, i just want to be back in his arms again....

Cuddles

I have been in such a cuddly mood lately it has been driving me crazy, I just want to curl up in his arms and fall asleep. jsut to sit on the couch and hold him close in my arms, knowing that i am safe again..

Sat night was fun i had a blast, it was a little odd cuz it wasnt just a dance club, it was a homosexal friendly club, lol. but it was fun, dancin and all, it was very tiring tho. geeze my legs were so sore!! yeah sorry that i am not posting much about it, its one of those ya had to be there kinda things :D but it was a blast!

a little laugh

today was horrible as was yesterday, i dont know why things are so rough lately, but they have been really hard, holding back the tears as much as i can.. its hard not to spill on minnie, but im doing it... and its even harder when she is constantly talking about her wedding.... anyway John invited me to play some basketball with him, and that really helped, cept i couldnt make a basket worth crap, i finally laughed a little bit : / anyway.. i think i shall go cry myself to bed... since life is crap.....