crazy night

last night was by far the weirdest, longest, craziest night I've had in a long time.. i had by far some of my weirdest dreams and most real feeling conversations, i seriously had to check my phone to see what was real and what was in my dream. It was very hard to fall back asleep after having so much on my mind each time i woke up, trying to piece together what i had just dreamed. it was a rather interesting night, lol

today was pretty good, had some very rough spots, i hate being treated like im invisible, nothing like walking right behind someone and them not even noticing you then just driving off and leaving you hanging with no where to go...yeah that felt great... i so badly wanted to go for a nice long jog, but never ended up with any time to do so... i cant wait for tomorrow afternoon, im gonna go for a nice long jog :)

no matter what im gonna just wait, if im doing something thats bugging you, please tell me, i dont care if it hurts me, i would rather know now then later, like a sliver, if you get it out right away it doesnt sit and fester and get worse, i hate assuming things, but i can only wonder at times, and i dont want to assume anything, i wanna be able to be open and completely honest, im not afraid of telling you what im thinking...

I pray every night for whatever is going on in your life, that it will all get resloved the best way, and that whatever the Lord decides is best for our lives, and will fall into place where things belong.
*many many thoughts still circling my mind*

dreams

If dreams were wishes and wishes came true
I'd wish to forever be with you
I'd wish for all the kisses you ever give
I'd wish for everyday that you live
If dreams were wishes and wishes came true
I'd wish for you to love me too
I'd wish for happiness and sleep
I'd wish for everyday I'd be yours to keep
If dreams were wishes and wishes came true,
I'd wish forever to dream of you...

jus a little something that came to mind today when i was working... <3

realization

I suddenly saw today why I am the way I am... because we are replicas of our parents, mine are both stubborn and want their way to be right.. I don't wanna follow that anymore I want to be more considerate than that... I want to be able to see both sides of an argument. I'm not gonna let little thing set me off, if I'm having an issue with anything I'm gonna day something about it so it can be worked out I don't wanna make a fuss about something that is different from what I'm used to... yeah just a thought or two...

pushing it

i think im being pushy already, crap im gonna blow it all , i knew this would happen... why do i constantly push people away from me? i am constantly shoving everyone out of my life that i want... its so hard to just relax and not be so nosey about everything... why do i have to know everything? because im so interested in you and i want to know everything about you... but then i go and push you further away... i always screw up, why cant i jsut be normal why cant i jsut show you how much i love you when you wanna see it not when i have to force it? i guess im just scared to lose you again, scared to have you jsut disappear like you did, i dont ever wanna lose you, i wanna have you forever, cant you see that? cant you see that i would give up my life for you? dont you see how much i love you still? dont you see how much i worry about you and how much i want things to be right in your life?... im rambling on now.. *im praying for you, for everything to work out good with whatever is going on*

worries and regret...

I dont know why i get so worried all the time.. just about lots of things, weather im going to get my truck done in time, having enough money in the bank, making sure everything is taken care of at home, where you are running calls, just making sure all my friends are happy or at least being prayed for... and i jsut got a lot on my plate, worried about tons but i need to not worry, God's got it all under control and i need to let Him take care of it all.

Regrets: 
i wish i could go back in time and just say no to John..it would have been the smartest thing to tell him, jsut say no, cuz i knew it wouldnt work out, that one week was horrible, i felt so wrong in so many ways, if i would have just said no i wouldnt have all these regrets, and it was not worth it either, it didnt help anything, all it did was prove that he was a waste of my time and kisses, i dont know why i agreed to go out with him in the first place.. it was so stupid, and everyday i think of you i regret it more...i regret giving away kisses to someone else, i regret holding that guy in my arms, where you belong, i regret saying things i said to him, i jsut wish i wouldnt have said yes...

Missing you is killing me, all i need is you by my side
every day that knife cuts deep, the one of me and all my regret
i wish to go back and change it all, make it what it once was
i want a second chance to fix it all, but there is no way to fix the past
all i want is to hold you again my love, and tell you i love you
all i need is your arms near, and the beat of you heart next to mine
i want to start again, and give it all i have,
i want to start again, and prove its you i still love
<3

forever waiting

well i did it and im SO glad i did :D now i just wait, and he know that i will wait forever.. i love him so much and i cant wait till we are back together.... i just have this feeling that someday we will be back together :D gosh i miss him so freakin much and i long to be in his arms again.. :D but at least i know there is a high possibility to be with the only one i love again and that in itself makes me feel so much better inside again :D thankyou so much God for bringing me to this point :D ~ i love you jess

more tears

.. wow reading his an my old convos wow... gosh i miss him so much.. here is a blip of what i miss..

:tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:49:33 PM): do you think it strange that we are planning all this stuff and we havent even been together for 1/4 of a year yet.. that we havent even gone out for more then 3 months.. and that we are like planning after marriage stuff...??

dallasfirefighter911 (6/18/2009 10:52:23 PM): as long as we are both comfortable with it i don't see y not. Babe i have every intention of marring you, and this stuff is just details of life. i dont think its strange to be talking about the future we plan on spending together

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:54:56 PM): ok... then second part of question.. have you ever second guessed our relationship?? not saying that we dont belong together.. or anything.. jsut that it has come to me.. like we are really young still and stuff.. btu then i think.. sam and landon.. and callie and brennan.. so yeah.. i dunno... it jsut seems so soon to be planning and stuff.. but it doesnt bother me.. wow that made a whole lot more sense in my head....

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:56:12 PM): and i know you have every intent of marrying me. and i marrying you.. but like what if it doesnt work out.. and all.. i dunno.. just sayin

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:56:46 PM): then agin we could play the what if game all day..lol.. what if my truck rolled.. what if.... i know ... just take it one day at a time

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:58:00 PM): then this other thought comes to mind... what about the end times.. when the rapture comes. it could be any day and i want to live.. i want to have kids and marry.. i dont want to run out of time. but the signs of the world are here.. that i why i hate watching the news... it freaks me out.. i jsut want to be with you forever.. and not worry about running out of time.. btu not rushing anythign either...

dallasfirefighter911 (6/18/2009 11:03:26 PM): yes babe one day at a time... honestly, what we have together is hard to find these days, and i want the most out of my life and i want it to be happy, and i find that being with you makes me tha happiest.. and making the most out of life would be even better with you. these feelings i have never felt before ever, i believe this is my sign from god(you). Nicole, i want to marry you, i dont like the wat if games because it scares me sometimes, and i don't want that. ya it may be strange, but we are both talking about it.. if we werent ment for each other we would have know by now.. i love you and i always will, ya we maybe young, but sometimes life has different paths and ours seams to be the best one to take, even if it means early marriage, lots of ppl get married young, and it works for

dallasfirefighter911 (6/18/2009 11:03:41 PM): them, so why second guess the best thing in life

yeah i miss that so much.. and this is why i want him back... i shouldnt keep reading all these old convos, im a mess right now.. *tears* ugh.. i jsut want him back...

what to do....

ok so i was talking with minnie a bit and she suggested that i jsut talk to him... cuz what is the worst thing that its gonna do? make our already awkward friendship more awkward? so yeah.. i so wish i woulda texted him last night.. cuz he was craving taco bell and i wanted to go but didnt have to guts to text him and ask.. but now i know he woulda.. then i woulda driven and he woulda been under my time schedule..lol.. im just gonna have to find the guts and time to say, hey can we chill sometime i wanna talk.... so yeah this is about what i wanna say... Jess i wanted to tell you how much i miss you and how much i still love you and how much i think about you everyday.. i am willing to put in 110% for a relationship again, i am willing to try so hard to be open and communicate and be better than i was in the past, if you are willing to give me a second chance.. i know there was a lot of things in the past that split us up, but you know i have changed, and i am willing to do anything to make us work again, Jess, would you be willing to try to make you and me work again? i cant stand to live without you in my life.... i will let you go hang out with just the boys, and let you have space when you want it and let you do what you want, i wont take over, i know what i did in the past and i wanna try again, what we had was amazing, and i want us to be able to be better than amazing....

yeah.. i dunno..... but i miss him so much... and i cant stand seeing him like 4 times without holding him in my arms and hugging him .. and kissing him... i so badly want him back....

surprised!

ok on the way home today from chilling in fall city at the creek, i get a text from jess, "hey what are you up to?", ~headed home you?~ " not much, just seeing if you wanted to go to taco bell, im freakin starving"... *schock*.. so yeah i jsut about had a heart attack.. this was the first time since Jan that he's actually tried to do somethin as friends.. without it jsut being, hey help me move this... it was weird but nice at the same time.. i wish it would have been for other reasons, but it was nice just to catch up a little, share some stories and stuff.. but gosh i freakin miss him... it was nice to finally see him after about a month... its just like he can only take so much of me in a month or something.. tho he did offer to take me, ryan and dad shooting soon :D i havent since october and i so miss it.... but yeah.. it was really nice to hang with him.. tho it brough back some old memories and stuff... gosh i miss that so much.. so i guess tonight im gonna lay in bed and play the what if game again...and i wish i coulda.... *sigh*.. *breaths in remainder of memory of being in his truck* .. i know im a dork, but i miss the way he smells, if that isnt too creepy, .. whatever bed time... night

GAAA!

I did it again, I keep doing it and I don't know how to stop! talking to him I did something that reminded me of jess again, I hate it! I do something and then for some reason expect the same response or reaction that I got from jess, but then it is different an the last comes crashing back down on me... it hurts and I don't know how to stop it... I just want to make it all right again, I just want him back... I just wanna make up and fix what I screwed up... he doesn't realize that I really mean I forgive him, I just don't understand how someone can't understand the loce and kindness and forgiveness and grace of someone else towards themselves... *sigh* I hate these Internal battles. they keep screwing with my mind all the time...

*pulling out hair*

I have so much on my plate right now i have no idea where to start. Jess, John, Daniel, College, fire department, work, friends, appartments, Andrew, it jsut keeps building and i dont know what to do, i really feel like im gonna explode, oh and i have a bacherlorette party to plan, and buy stuff for, and i have no money until the 6th maybe, then its only 10 days after and im freaking out, i jstu have no idea what to do, i feel like i need to jsut step back and hide for a month, but i cant do that , i need to face things, but that hurts too, i jsut dont know where to start or how to work stuff out, i wish things would jsut cooperate around here... *sigh* cant i jstu have a day where everything goes right for once, oh and i need to get my truck worked on and finished, and a wedding to go to, and guns to buy, and a placve to go shooting, and horse stuff and i jsut i dont know.. can i cry now?

WANTED:

ok so i know what i want!! a hot cowboy! lol. i want someone that is cute funny, smart, hot, well toned, good old, down home, backwoods, country slang, hard working, truck driving, gun shooting,beer drinking(sometimes), bible lovin, hay bale buckin, warm and loving, country boy :D yep i've decided that, if you ever find him out there please give him my number and send him my way!!! yeah :D one of them boys would jsut make my heart pound lol.. yeah im a dork, but ive decided that is who i want! lol