Been a while

Well it's been a while since I posted anything so I figured I'd catch all 3 of you up... Not much great has been going in lately, I've been making some poor choices and have not had a lot of positives. I feel like I've lost most of my close friends and no one ever wants to spend time with me so I've been spending a lot of time alone. I feel pretty down in the dumps an haven't been myself, I'm wanting more tattoos so I can put the pain out there without the visible damage... I'm at a loss for what to do, anyway back to 'real life' 

Cuts like a knife

I don't know what have been going on lately, everything seems all messed up, no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to hang out. I just don't understand, do I smell? An I too fat? Am I too loud? What is wrong with me? Why does no one want to be around me? In so lost and hurt and confused,  I just want to talk to people and have a good time!! I'm falling back Into that little black hole, I'm back to wanting to cut and just hide out and not do anything, no job no real friends no one to keep me up on level ground before I fall further down in the pit... I want to just cry and do nothing... Well back to just more nothing... :/

Another piece shattered

Well yet again I'm crushed an broken inside... The season is winding down and I've found out that Daniel does have a girlfriend that he's brought along on a couple runs. Kinda kills me inside after he's seemingly flirted with me. This am he came in early to go stack (so he's driving tractor and I don't get to see him) anyway, he talked for a min or two. He chuckled about thinking about putting some bales in front of my truck to keep me from getting out of my parking spot, but decided he better not if I got stuck. Then wished me a good day. It just kills me inside I can't be better friends with him. I get so jealous thinking about him having a girlfriend but I know it's not right. Ill just be sitting with my country music on being bummed out today. It's just been so frustrating lately not going where I want to. An why are all these things that are so wonderful laid out in front of me yet I can't have any of them?

I want to stop hurting inside... </3 I will for sure kiss this job and my coworkers and friends that I've made... 

So crazy! (8/2/13)

Ok so I don't know how many of my readers know (all 2 of you?) but Nick an I broke up.... It was just going downhill and something felt off... 

Well part of what felt off was my not so strong feelings for him and my strong feelings for another guy, Daniel, that I work with... Things have been so crazy here the last few weeks I've been working here, it's a lot of fun and hard work, long hours and lots of joking around. Which brings me to the next thing, Daniel is always flirting with me, weather it's friendly or serious I can't tell... But it's driving me up the wall. His smile is the biggest and he's got the most adorable personality I can't help myself. But I don't know if he likes me likes me, or if he's got a gf or anything... It's hard to read him... But for now ill stick with being friends an flirting!! Anyway back to work! <3 

First day of the rest of my life

So earlier today Nick texted me and aske what I was up to this evening around 5, I had said that nothing was going on. So he invited me out to station 8 to keep him company and to have dinner. After we had eaten and were sitting in the kitchen holding hands, he looked over to me and asked again, are we dating yet? I said, well you still haven't asked me. He then asked, will you date me? I said yes!! We proceeded to just sit and chat and talk about anything that came to mind!! We pulle the flag down and folded it then sat in the kitchen a bit more before I had to leave. I had the best big hug from my Boyfriend!! I love that I am his first girlfriend and hopefully his only girlfriend! He is such and amazing man!! On Saturday I'm bringing him down to meet my parents! I'm slightly scared but everything should be just fine! :) I'm so happy!! And am slightly sad that I can't still talk to him because he had to go to bed because of shift. Anyway, I am one very very happy girl tonight!! :D 

Amazing!

I don't even know where to begin!! Nick is such an amazing young man that encourages me to reach my goals!! He is so kind and caring and wonderful and absolutely hilarious!!! It makes me smile anytime I hear from him or talk to him. I can't wait for him to meet my parents on Saturday!! :D 

the Brooks Campus

ok so yesterday (Saturday) Nick came and helped out with our EMT scenarios which was way awesome!! one even included him being a 22 yo fem. 32wk prego!! haha it was hilarious and I couldn't focus and run the scene, then he said he was allergic to nuts... I lost it there...!! haha :) anyway we finished up with the class and Nick and I took off for the movies!! we saw Man Of Steel which was pretty good we were sitting there before hand just talking an poking each other, as the previews started he holds out his hand and says I know you want to touch me, I bust up laughing an day yeah... yeah I do and grab a hold of his hand. it was the best feeling! we held hands through the entire movie. afterward he said that he'd never held a girls hand before it was so sweet!! we drove back to brooks an on the way he looked over and said "so are we dating?" I chuckled and said, you haven't asked me yet. he got all shy an said he'd never done this before, it was so adorable haha poor guy! :) we talked lots after that all the way back to the campus. once back he showed me around the fire apparatus and training grounds (shh) then we hopped into the back of my truck and sat around talking for hours!! he got cold eventually and had to grab his blanket but he wrapped us both up in it. for never being in a relationship and not liking mushy movies, he sure is a gentleman an a romantic!! haha it's just how he is! anyway... so we are sitting there sharing music and stories and something in the sky catches my eye, a meteor or star or something went streaking slowly across the sky leaving white bursts of a trail behind it!! it went for quite a ways before it just disappeared!! it was so beautiful! I showed him pictures of some ideas I want for my house someday and every little thing we agreed on!! it was so cool how much we both like of the similar things! it just makes me smile!! we talked for a while longer holding hands ( I was freezing!) then we decided we needed to go home and snap out of our little world.. we hugged (he's an amazing hugger!! so tall and strong) for a long time, I didn't want to let go... then went our separate ways... it was such an amazing night together just talking and being so open as honest about everything I really feel like this is where my life is heading, and where I need to be! he is such an amazing man!! ok.. enough amazing-ness!! off to dreamland!!! :D 

hiking trip!

oh my goodness where to start!! ok so yesterday nick came over at noon and we headed out for silver creek falls! had some great conversation all the way there! we got out and started right in on the hiking, we walked clear out to double falls and all over the place about 10 miles! I'm sore today! but it was way worth it!! we just talked and laughed and told crazy stories!!! 'it's like texting... but in person!' haha :) we headed back still talking, I swear we could never run out of things to say, an we are both an open book about everything! we got back, grabbed some Taco Bell and ran home quick to feed my cat an wash the mud off my legs! ran down to the station and sat around because no one showed up for drill. we took off out to falls city and walked up the creek and skipped rocks, it was pretty fun!! I tried pushing him in, it didn't work haha. we headed back into town for a drink! after 3 each Bekah show up and hung out with us!! after 4 we decided it was time to go home an sleep! he crashed on my couch cuz I wouldn't let him drive!! I gave him a hug before bed an he's all 'don't let go' it was so sweet!! he is such the gentleman!! woke up this am an saw him all stretched out on the couch, feet hangin off the end haha, we sat and talked for another hour or so before I had to go to work. i just laid there on the couch my head practically on his lap and he just laid his hand over my shoulder an just kinda rubbed my shoulder as he talked! it was so nice :) I dropped him off at his car an he gave me the best hug ever, just wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, I didn't want to let go or leave. but we had to go our separate ways! I miss him already and he only left 1.3 hrs ago... :( ... but it's back to reality an the working life... I can't wait until we can hang out again and I can go visit his family! he really wants to meet my dad also! I still can't believe I met this amazing person 23 days ago!! :) *happy sigh* 

extrication drill!!

I had such a busy and fun day at the department yesterday!!! :) a few recalled calls, then the big one!! we had a pretty good brush fire that we took down pretty quickly! then got back to the station and restored everything before Nick and Ariel his sister showed up!! we then sat and ate pizza and told some great stories :)as we were wandering around before we left for the tower, Nick was following me around just so intrigued by everything we do and what we have. it was pretty cute.  we took off for extrication drill and proceeded to cut apart cars. it was a blast, seeing how much fun Nick and Ariel had, they don't get much tool time at Chemeketa so they were really enjoying themselves. We played around with the cars for a while then ended up lounging around on top of them! before we finally left for home, just had everything settled and another call came in! i didnt go because i tore apart my turnouts, and i didnt want to leave ariel and nick just yet. :) everyone went on the call and i had them to myself to talk to! it was so much fun!! finally everyone got back from the call and Nick and Ariel had to take off, i walked them out and Nick turned to me and held his arms out for a hug :) i gladly received it! it felt almost awkward in front of his sister but he was totally cool with it which has got to mean something! boring old friends dont just hug all the time, and he doesnt seem like the overly huggy person! anyway by whatever means i got a second good hug, ( not that im counting) they took off and i finished my turnout washing and went home and crashed!

the best parts about seeing him is just that smiling face and attitude the wants to get more information he has such a fire for this career its insane!! and he has so much drive it makes me want to push harder and strive to be the best in what im doing!! :D anyway enough Nick talk for today :D

Coffee

a few days ago nick asked me to coffee, I of course said yes!! we decided on the Beanery in Salem, on my way there my phone rings an its of course it's nick, he says 'hi.... I'm lost...' on the most adorable voice!! poor guy, I redirected him to the right place and arrived at the coffee shop, I look down the sidewalk and see him walkin still obviously lost :) I head towards him and he sees me, a huge smile spreads across his face :) from the moment we were in vocal range to the second we parted ways we talked nonstop! mostly about fire strategies and stories and all sorts of wonderful things. we just couldn't say enough in the two short hours we had together!! I loved every minute of his stories and his smile. I was sad when he had to go, but on the way out, in the middle of the sidewalk he pauses and turns an opens his arms for a hug, I gladly accepted an pressed myself into his arms an breathed in his scent! it was like a dream :) we parted ways an headed home. I only got to text him for a little while but it was the absolute best time I've had in ages. he is such an amazing guy that has such a passion for his career an life!! I'm also excited to spend quite a few more hours with him tomorrow afternoon/evening! and I may or may not have been counting the hours until he gets here haha :) I've enjoyed texting him all day as well! <3 this guy already has a place in my heart and life ... it's also only been 14 days!! :D 

amazing!!

wow! so much positive going on!! I'm loving it! Friday I have a coffee date with Nick :) I'm supper excited for that as is he!! he makes me laugh so much and smile all the time! I'm so happy and can't wait to see where this is going!! last night we had the most hilarious text convo! he said he needed to get to bed an we went back an forth saying night, he had to have the last word but I wouldn't let him, it was pretty hilarious when he brought up the schizophrenia jokes :) he's just as crazy as I am and I already know something about him is different, you know those butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach when something good is happening? they are constantly there! he's always on my mind and I don't ever want to lose him, I've only known him really since may 18th!! :) that's 10 days and I'm so sure about everything!! he just makes my heart smile and forget about all the hurt I've had! :)

<3 

Nick Marlow

Ok here goes! relay for life 5-18/19-2013 it all started when my partner wasn't there to go walking with me, so this guy walks out of the blue an says he'll walk with me! so I packed up and we took off walking, had just the best conversation and had a great time I was so happy, but didn't know it yet. he had brought up the first time we met, which was at Dallas extrication at summer fest 2012 then he asked me if I wanted to drill with them, I said yes! 

so tonight 5-24-13 I headed down to chemeketa campus and joined them all for drill, when I first got there Nick was standing in as IC, he got me all caught up on the drill (apocolyptic hose drill) and walked me around in the tower just talking and exploring :) next we rolled up and loaded the 1200 ft of hose lines all the while making jokes back an forth over the truck. the next drill I joined in on, it was breathing air while running and obstacle course the goal was to see how long you could preserve your air while working hard (tire drag around tower, roll a second tire up 3x stairs, lift pole 10x each arm, down stairs, drag body 50ft x2, lift pole again 10x ea arm, around to the back and flip a tire end over end all around the tower) I was so tired by the Time I got to flipping the tire an my air was runnin out, everyone was cheering me on but my lungs were done, I shut off my pack ditched my gear and finished my lap with the flipping tire! I was so proud of myself for finishing the course, it was great with all the guys there too! I just had such an amazing time out there. then we went inside for desert and they used me as a trauma patient for practice for their guys. that went well until one of the guys referred to checking all my woman parts as, checking my reproductive system.. haha we had a good laugh over that one. I just had an amazing time! as I look back now, every time I turned around Nick was there nearby helping or watching, he is just such an amazing guy to watch and talk to :) I get butterflies just thinking about him, an I can't stop smiling :D  

hot summer days

well here I am in the heat wave we have and I'm in class for 8 hours, have no car to drive and no plans all weekend, this sucks! although I will be glad to be down at the station tomorrow then my friends graduation party!! I just wish I could go to the beach or swimming or something besides sitting here watching cod.... I guess I could be home alone...

I'm still wishing I could be out on the road somewhere with him doing fun things in the hills like playing in the river on bald mtn, I'm just sick of all this bullshit... well back to my fucking boring life.. :/

nothing works

wow it just amazes me how I can be so stuck on someone an the one day they are finally not the one thing in my head the entire day, his car pops up across the street... I just can do it!! it's driving me crazy!! I really wanna go talk to him or slap him across the face or kiss him or something... I don't know but it's so frustrating that I can have it or get away from it... he's always right there and I feel so trapped!! :/ I miss him so much too :/ stupid guys!!!

Sunshine n Country Music

it seems like all I can do these days to keep a positive attitude... I hurt so much all the time and all the thoughts in my head keep spinning around. I want a guy in my life that will love me and help me get to my dreams... I'm so sick of everyone putting me down or telling me I can't do something, just the other day someone basically told me to give up trying to get my cdl because no one would hire me to drive cuz I'm a girl... it's so stupid!! I just want some money to help me get through this stuff so I can get on to my dreams!!

I want to be able to get more tattoos, pay rent an bills, have enough time to work with the horses and my truck projects and still have a good time out with friends (not that I have any that want to go do the stuff I want) and I want to go the thw Oregon jamboree this year, with who I don't kow but I want to! there's so much I want to do and so much I feel trapped and going no where being stuck at dads doing nothing for no money, I just want to cry and rebel and leave but I can't leave cuz I have no money for anything including gas... so I'm stuck in this shit hole town not being able to go anywhere even just drive outta town a cruise... also my classes keep me so busy I can go do anything If I had the money for it, I'm so trapped and stuck I'm getting cluster phobic in this world... I feel like I'm gonna snap!!

my other thing is it never feels like I'm good enough for anyone, no one wants me around no one wants to hang out no one wants to date me, I feel so unwanted and unloved it just kills me inside, makes me feel like there's nothing good out there makes me feel like I've got nothing to search for, I want my life to start and to be able to start my dream but it seems like no one wants to help me get there... I feel so worthless.

slow it down

so I've been told lately that I need I just slow down and try to take my days one at a time an enjoy life, I don't know how that's gonna work but I'm gonna try my best to slow down and forget my dreams and do what I can to make it in this world.

Kalabs still driving me crazy, was texting him yesterday and ran into him in town, he drove past where I was standing talkin with a friend an my heart raced out of my chest... I wish I could go back and kiss him when I had the chance... he's so wonderful but stuck in a shitty situation... I just wish I could give him a hug and tell him everything's going to be ok... everyone can still see that I'm still head over heels for him and he barely knows I exsist... it just hurts to know that he won't ever be mine, he's got his life and I've got mine, not to mention the roommate I have has used him multiple times and it kills me inside to hear what she knows... I just want to be happy with someone and keep my friends near me happy as well. it's just so hard and not having a job to support myself is killing me too.
rant over... yeah

EMT BASIC

well I'm takin my emt basic classes sure are fun so far!! I wish I could get this outta my mind but I just can't, these memories are killin me. the shower the talks on the couch, sleepin in his bed, stealing his hat, drivin in his truck (which he's selling so that memory is being destroyed) riding up in the hills shootin guns, so many memories from feb to June... minus April. I just don't know what to do or where to go or how to function, I'm having the worst time with this and it's all because I never had a conclusion to this whole mess after he found out about his daughter... I still wanna just cry and ignore the world and all the problems with it... I just hurt so bad inside like someone is grabbing my heart in their hand an squeezing it so hard that it's gonna burst into a bunch of pieces and I are myself laying on the floor lookin to the side with blood gushing from my chest as my breath weakens and dies... I'm just sick of hurting but i can't keep Kalab off my mind... all the songs I hear remind me of him and I just go back to the days where we had a great friendship and great laughs, I was his buddy when everyone else was sleeping, I think that's why I'm having problems sleeping at night because I used to stay up texting him and now there's an emptiness there that's not being filled with him and it hurts me and keeps me awake wondering why... :'(

more time has passed

Well it's been 7 months since I've talked to Kalab and I've recently relapsed over my feelings for him, it's a really difficult situation, he's got a girlfriend and a 1 year old. yeah kinda puts a damper of anything ever happening again... I just want to talk and be friends I want to find out why he ever texted me back after telling me to never talk to him again, why can't we straighten things out? why does he talk to other girls but he's written me out of his book? does he have feelings for me and that's why he doesn't talk to me or what? I hate no understanding!! I had a dream about him the other day and that's what brought this all back crashig down on me. I dreamed that we were out wheelin and having a great time talking an catching up on everything, then we ended up sitting near each other watchin tv and I asked him why he ever texted me back he looked at me and before he could respond I woke up and started crying, it was the saddest thing ever, being so close but so far away. I want to text him and ask him how things are going an just be normal friends again but I don't hunk that will ever happen, it's killing me I side to not know him anymore. his fb posts are enough to drive me crazy but I won't delete his fb... he's selling his yellow yota which tears me up inside, I rode in that truck for miles in the dark on the gravel road next to him arms touching... an now that memory is being destroyed with the truck.. I just want to cry, I want things to go back the way they were before everything got all messed up... I don't know what to do :'( sleep I guess is all I can do I guess... night