Wednesday, June 27, 2012
insanity and obsession
I dont know where to even start... maybe crying... maybe shutting everyone out including him... I just don't know how to feel anymore. I want to talk to him and figure it all out but I don't wanna ruin what little grasp on this situation I do have... I can't lose him again, though I don't even have him... it's just one of those things where yeah I know so much about him an all his mistakes good an bad an I still don't care I just want him, he's such a gentleman that it pushes all the bad to the back of my mind and all I see is this man who wants to do what's right and works his ass off to get where he is and still have time to be a kid an have a hell of a good time. I just wish I could grow the balls to sit down an talk to him. we have texted more recently an both yesterday and twice today I passed him an we made eye contact, it's like the more I see him around the more I want to talk to him and be with him, the more I see him the more I want to be by his side. I just don't know how to go about it without messing it all up. for now I'm trying to stick to my no texting him first rule, it really kills me inside... but I can't push him away an lose him knowing it was me being stupid again
ok so here's what I've figured out... I want to ask him why he ever texted me back after he told me to never talk to him again. what was the reason? if I can get that across without ruining anything, I may be able to function like a normal (well you know. for me) person. I may actually be able to function in my heart again and not be so stuck or confused an hurt.
well of to bed, ish that's all I'm gonna rant for now
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
nobody gives a shit...
ever feel like no one around you gives a shit about you? that's how I'm feeling today... no one cares, my Frieda wont answer their phones and people keep deleting my comments off their statuses... it's really depressing especially after my first day at work that there's no one to tell about my day to... I just want to curl up and cry... the person I want to tell lots of things to doesnt want me to exsist but he's playin nice cuz he's not a complete asshole, just mostly one... I just dont know what to feel or what to even do anymore... I want to leave this shithole and start over... but there's no way I can... I'm so bummed out I'm barely doing anything anymore... softball church league which just started... derby is goin down the drain... I just don't have time or any motivation to want to do any of that... I just hurt so bad inside nothing sounds like fun anymore... I just want to disappear....I dont want to hurt like this anymore... I need someone to pick me up and dust off my shoulders from being walked on. I need someone to love me
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
crappy feelings again
an once again I'm here feelin like shit... I just can't get past Kalab, he's always on my mind. I just can't function like a normal person anymore... I just want to talk to him all the time an cant because he's either sleeping or not texting back and I cant always text him because that's annoying an he will ignore me more and I just feel so stuck all the time... I got all these songs that run around in my head that remind me of him. any time I hear a song it usually reminds me of him in some way an this provoking his always being on my mind. I just wish I could sit down an tell him how I feel and be able to work it all out without any problems but with my shitty luck he will back pedal on me an never talk to me again. so I'll just keep sittin here wishin he would text me an being a loner... I feel like I aint got any friends that really care how I feel.
only one more week until my roommates are gone. that will be a good day. I'm so sick of them an them being around all the time doesn't help me at all. anyway enough ranting for today.. :/...
Sunday, May 13, 2012
so much pain
I don't know what to do, I feel so hurt right now an I really shouldn't. I just want to run away and cry until the tears stop flowing and the pain stops hurting. why is it in so caught up in him when I am absolutely nothing to him. I just want to set it all straight and talk to him and make it right. I want to talk it out and settle it between is. weather it's one way or the other I just need to figure out what the hell in doing. I don't want to hurt anymore, but I don't want to lose him either :/ I'm so stuck and so hurt I just want to curl up in his arms an have him tell me it's all ok. also people keeping things from me and it's so irritating because as soon as they ask a question about Kalab if he's figured that thing out with that girl I ask what? and then they shit their mouths and change the subject... it's so irritating that no one will tell me anything anymore.. I'm so out of everybody's loop I want to just leave an not come back....
Thursday, April 5, 2012
screwing around again
haha yeah not screwing around just screwing thing up as usual... so far tho the people moved in an all is mostly well, I gotta start puttin some better rules down cuz the place looks like a pigsty
anyway I just keep thinkin back to all I've done in the past, three years ago on march 11 I thought I'd found that one guy for me, an now this year march 11 I'd screwed up somethin that I had wished would last, it just amazes me how much can change with just a few little words or a few little actions that determine the rest of your life, my biggest thing right now is any guy I talk to knows at least 1 or 2 of the other guys I've dated or hang out with and it's a big messy circle of everything going on and I just want to get out, 6 more weeks an I leave for Texas, sadly only for a few days but it will help, I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, I have so much going on and nothing to do all at the same time, I just want to figure out where I'm supposed to be headed. I wanna find that one someone and settle down as start my life already, I want to find a job in all this crazy I just want to do what I want!! the sunshine outside is torturing me, it would be a perfect day for boarding but bens gotta work, an I do to, anyway thats all I'm rambling on for today... I just wanna get out and do something...
anyway I just keep thinkin back to all I've done in the past, three years ago on march 11 I thought I'd found that one guy for me, an now this year march 11 I'd screwed up somethin that I had wished would last, it just amazes me how much can change with just a few little words or a few little actions that determine the rest of your life, my biggest thing right now is any guy I talk to knows at least 1 or 2 of the other guys I've dated or hang out with and it's a big messy circle of everything going on and I just want to get out, 6 more weeks an I leave for Texas, sadly only for a few days but it will help, I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, I have so much going on and nothing to do all at the same time, I just want to figure out where I'm supposed to be headed. I wanna find that one someone and settle down as start my life already, I want to find a job in all this crazy I just want to do what I want!! the sunshine outside is torturing me, it would be a perfect day for boarding but bens gotta work, an I do to, anyway thats all I'm rambling on for today... I just wanna get out and do something...
Friday, March 23, 2012
ups n downs
ok let's start with the ups! I'm loving fire dept stuff!! and roller derby! they are both so much fun and I love all the new friends in making in both!! ok that was my happy stuff now the downers :/
these past few weeks after Kalab an I had a huge blow up have been really crappy, I thought things were going pretty good and they were, till shit happened... I'm always screwing up what I think is finally right. I just want to be happy an find that someone who wants me to be happy with them too... I've been hanging out with this guy trever, he's alright for a little bit of time when he's sober, which isn't often and I'm beginning to see that he needs friends that can support him and help him and I don't have the time or patience for that. I really want to get up and leave this town, all the pain and memories that are sad, I want to get out and start over! I can't wait for the second week in may for the roadtrip!! I just feel so alive those days on the road seeing the countryside fly by as we go :D that puts a smile on my
face! the more time I have to just sit around the more I keep thinking back to Kalab, I know I've got to just let it go because he's not gonna come back around even as friends, I really
screwed that one up, I really wish I hadn't, but hey we all make shit mistakes and gotta learn somehow, no matter how painful... there's so much these days I want to do, but getting a job is priority and very hard to do to get the free time and money I want to do what I want like fix my truck and start my other truck project to go play in the hills with... there's always so much I want to do and never any way to ever get there, I want to start my life and not be in this hole where I'm stuck, i can't find my way out and it's all I want to do, to move past this all and start again, new job, new place, new hobbies, new (more) friends that will actually do stuff with me like go out for drives an do crazy stuff... I want to start into this and have no clue how to get there.. I guess I should shut off my thoughts and try to sleep and quit rambling on an on about all the what ifs and wants I have... night y'all!
these past few weeks after Kalab an I had a huge blow up have been really crappy, I thought things were going pretty good and they were, till shit happened... I'm always screwing up what I think is finally right. I just want to be happy an find that someone who wants me to be happy with them too... I've been hanging out with this guy trever, he's alright for a little bit of time when he's sober, which isn't often and I'm beginning to see that he needs friends that can support him and help him and I don't have the time or patience for that. I really want to get up and leave this town, all the pain and memories that are sad, I want to get out and start over! I can't wait for the second week in may for the roadtrip!! I just feel so alive those days on the road seeing the countryside fly by as we go :D that puts a smile on my
face! the more time I have to just sit around the more I keep thinking back to Kalab, I know I've got to just let it go because he's not gonna come back around even as friends, I really
screwed that one up, I really wish I hadn't, but hey we all make shit mistakes and gotta learn somehow, no matter how painful... there's so much these days I want to do, but getting a job is priority and very hard to do to get the free time and money I want to do what I want like fix my truck and start my other truck project to go play in the hills with... there's always so much I want to do and never any way to ever get there, I want to start my life and not be in this hole where I'm stuck, i can't find my way out and it's all I want to do, to move past this all and start again, new job, new place, new hobbies, new (more) friends that will actually do stuff with me like go out for drives an do crazy stuff... I want to start into this and have no clue how to get there.. I guess I should shut off my thoughts and try to sleep and quit rambling on an on about all the what ifs and wants I have... night y'all!
Monday, March 5, 2012
stronger
everyday these feelings build stronger and stronger
they take me away and I lose my mind
I'm always thinking of you an wishing you were here
by my side is where I need you, always next to me
I feel this pull when your around like my heart reaching out to yours
I feel the need to tell you so but chicken out instead
I have to be strong to hold together being without you
the days go by and we still talk of trucks an crappy work
but in my mind you'll always be the reason I feel alive
I miss you more as the days go by and the nights seem so long
I feel cold without you near and wish you were my teddy bear
I want to snuggle close to you and hear your heart beat fast
I want to say I love you so and spend forever with you at last.
<3
they take me away and I lose my mind
I'm always thinking of you an wishing you were here
by my side is where I need you, always next to me
I feel this pull when your around like my heart reaching out to yours
I feel the need to tell you so but chicken out instead
I have to be strong to hold together being without you
the days go by and we still talk of trucks an crappy work
but in my mind you'll always be the reason I feel alive
I miss you more as the days go by and the nights seem so long
I feel cold without you near and wish you were my teddy bear
I want to snuggle close to you and hear your heart beat fast
I want to say I love you so and spend forever with you at last.
<3
Sunday, March 4, 2012
many tears :'(
ok so last night: it's gonna be along story... it started at 9 my cousin Sam an his brother in law an his brother (josh an Louis Finke) anyway they came an knocked on my door an said we are goin out... sure had nothin better to do... an a small hope said maybe Kalab would be there... anyway after lots of drinks (I think I had at this point 2 amf's an 4 taste of tahities... an a jäger bomb) I look over while playin pool an I see Kalab! (I had been texting him all night telling him he should come out) he was just sittin on a stool drinkin a. eer an talkin to his buddies... I went over an talked some but went back to my pool game... I told josh to go talk to him and tell him to come talk to me... so josh went over and said I don't know what then came back to me an said 'I don't think he's ever gonna talk to you again, you can do better than him' I just looked at josh in shock (pretty sure my jaw was hangin open) then the tears just started trickling down my face... I gave up the pool game looked over at Kalab he looked at me an the tears just poured down my face... I went an sat at the table that Sam was at put my feet up and just cried into my knees...I texted Kalab that I needed him to come talk to me but he didn't get my text... I just felt so crushe inside I did't know what had just happened.. josh was feeling really bad now cuz he didn't understand what I see in Kalab or that I really really like him... Sam held my hand as I bawled into my jeans then Jeff Quiring came over an asked what was wrong... I'd told him what happened through broken sobs an he stood me up an hugged me... josh finished his beer an we headed for home... on the way out I grabbed kalabs arm an said I was leavin an ill see him later... his face said that he knew somethin was wrong but he did't say anything to my tear soaked and makeup smeared face an snotty sniffles ... I texted him on the walk home, sorry about that dont worry about me then another text I'll be ok... he texted me back not too long after... (I was sitting an eating Cheerios on the floor an still crying) he asked what happened an I said my cousin (josh) came an talked to you what did he say? Kalab said that he had said that he just talked shit like a little kid... I texted him back saying if I come back to roundup will you talk to me? he sai what's going on.. I just said to meet me out front in 2 min... so I walked over there an his buddy branden was out frot smokin and said that Kalab was inside .. I was kinda shocked that he knew who I was lookin for lol... so he didn't come outside so I went in an told him I needed to talk to him so we went out back and I turned to him an started crying again an was like... I don't k ow what my cousin said to you but it was stupid... I took a step towards him an wrapped my arms aroun him an cried into his shoulder... he told me to calm down an tell him what was going on so I explained the best I could that I had told josh to talk to him for me an it got misunderstood an I told him I really liked him still an I just didn't wanna screw it all up an that sort of thing... then leaned back on his shoulder again then Jeff came back out an he hugged me too then we all went inside an I ran into Chris one of jesses friends an told him he still owed me a jäger bomb from a few weeks ago do he bought me one an I chugged it Kalab laughed at me an told me I prolly don't need another one of those (since they messed me up on your b-day lol) then Kalab was off with some of his friends at the pool table an I went over an told him was leaving again an my door would be unlocked if he wanted to stop by on his way home... well he never stopped by but he did text me at 3:55 saying he finally stopped drinking lol. an I was really hoping today wouldn't be weird or anything but he's been textig me all day like he usually does so I guess we are fine but I really want to talk to him... not to straighten out last night but kinda to tell him that I was serious about how much I like him an stuff I hair want to be held by him right now and just be able to be next to him... all these feelings are insane in my head towards him... I've never cried over a guy besides Jesse when he broke up with me... but he hasn't texted me back this evening so I'm not gonna push it even if I really want to see him... I really miss him already and wish we had had more time at the bar without being I turreted with my crying over him... but yeah thats pretty much what happened last night... <3 I frickin like him a lot lot an wish I could find out what he thinks of me... I just gotta buckle up an ask him I guess... anyway yeah :)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
maybe I was wrong
it always seems like one thing is going right and then I always end up being wrong... it's fucking rediculus... I'm so hurt right now it's not fair... one minute I think he likes me and the next he dumps me on my ass... yeah maybe he isn't feeling good tonight, but he could have told me more than an hr before I had to leave and after asking him multiple times if he was going to make it or not. it really kills me inside that I always get screwed over I always get the short stick. never been stood up until tonight... so I said fuck it and went alone... part of it was fun but then it was just me by myself alone... so I gave up and am sitting at the bar alone and drinking my sorrows away... I just wish I could fix it... I wish I could actually have fun and be in a good mood again and not so depressed all the time... I wish I could talk to him and just get it all straight. just tell him exactly how I feel... but now of course he wont answer my texts... I always screw it up and I'm always so down... I just want to be happy and live again... is that too much to ask?? ... well sitting here with my drink and tears alone will have to do for me tonight..... fuck it all
Thursday, February 9, 2012
the dream
so I went to bed last night and fell asleep and then this dream happened:
I was working on yard stuff over at my parents and Kalab was there... we were just hanging out and being chill and so badly I wanted to tell him what I was thinking, but as usual kept my mouth shut.we were working along and i dont know how we got to this point but there were a bunch more people around and we headed to bed, kalab was crashed on the couch i the living room and i was in the bedroom with some other people. i had to get up and go do something, dont remember what, then headed back into the house... i looked over at kalab on the couch and he poked his head up to see who came in the door, i waved shyly and headed for the bedroom. a little while later i heard these noises and got up to see what was going on. when i got to the living room i noticed kalab and someone going at it. i went over and yelled at him" what are you doing?!" he was like, what do you mean? i looked him in the face and yelled at him some more... "I LOVE YOU!!!, do you not see that? do you not see how much i care about you and you turn around and screw someone else? do i not mean anything to you??..." i walked off and went back to bed, huddled under the blankets and started crying... a few moments later.. i hear my name whispered by the door.."nicki?" i didnt respond, jsut tried to hold back the sobs. next i feel the blanket being moved as someone ( i assumed kalab) crawled onto the bed. he put his arms around me and whispered to me. "i didnt know, i guess i didnt see how you felt about me, im sorry..." he jsut held me as we fell asleep. the next morning i woke up and he was no where to be found.. no one was.. i looked around the room and saw a note. ' meet me at the mall in salem at 10' it was 9:15 i hustled to get dressed and drove to the mall. looking all over for him i finally spotted him and a friend of his in the food court. i walk over cautiously not knowing if the night before had happened or was a dream. he smiled and waved me over. i smiled back, regaining my confidence. we all sat and talked for a while about trucks then got up to go walk around the mall. i put my arm over his shoulders jsut for kicks and he wrapped his arm around my waist. a huge smile spread across my face as i realized that this guy was holding me as his. after a few hours we decided to head home our seperate ways. i went to give him a hug goodbye but he caught my face in his hands before i could close ym arms around him. he gazed into my eyes and leaned in for a soft gentle first kiss. fireworks exploded in my head and stomach. nothing had ever felt this way before. we wrapped each other in a hug and parted, the whole way home i couldnt stop smiling or thinking about what had happened or what else there was to look forward to the rest of my life. i just couldnt imagine the way it really happened how i wanted it to. with this guy that has everything that i want.
my buzzing alarm woke me up. but i had a smile on my face that was so nice to wake up to :)
anyway i suppose i should go back to working on other things.. jsut figured id write this down before i forgot it.
I was working on yard stuff over at my parents and Kalab was there... we were just hanging out and being chill and so badly I wanted to tell him what I was thinking, but as usual kept my mouth shut.we were working along and i dont know how we got to this point but there were a bunch more people around and we headed to bed, kalab was crashed on the couch i the living room and i was in the bedroom with some other people. i had to get up and go do something, dont remember what, then headed back into the house... i looked over at kalab on the couch and he poked his head up to see who came in the door, i waved shyly and headed for the bedroom. a little while later i heard these noises and got up to see what was going on. when i got to the living room i noticed kalab and someone going at it. i went over and yelled at him" what are you doing?!" he was like, what do you mean? i looked him in the face and yelled at him some more... "I LOVE YOU!!!, do you not see that? do you not see how much i care about you and you turn around and screw someone else? do i not mean anything to you??..." i walked off and went back to bed, huddled under the blankets and started crying... a few moments later.. i hear my name whispered by the door.."nicki?" i didnt respond, jsut tried to hold back the sobs. next i feel the blanket being moved as someone ( i assumed kalab) crawled onto the bed. he put his arms around me and whispered to me. "i didnt know, i guess i didnt see how you felt about me, im sorry..." he jsut held me as we fell asleep. the next morning i woke up and he was no where to be found.. no one was.. i looked around the room and saw a note. ' meet me at the mall in salem at 10' it was 9:15 i hustled to get dressed and drove to the mall. looking all over for him i finally spotted him and a friend of his in the food court. i walk over cautiously not knowing if the night before had happened or was a dream. he smiled and waved me over. i smiled back, regaining my confidence. we all sat and talked for a while about trucks then got up to go walk around the mall. i put my arm over his shoulders jsut for kicks and he wrapped his arm around my waist. a huge smile spread across my face as i realized that this guy was holding me as his. after a few hours we decided to head home our seperate ways. i went to give him a hug goodbye but he caught my face in his hands before i could close ym arms around him. he gazed into my eyes and leaned in for a soft gentle first kiss. fireworks exploded in my head and stomach. nothing had ever felt this way before. we wrapped each other in a hug and parted, the whole way home i couldnt stop smiling or thinking about what had happened or what else there was to look forward to the rest of my life. i just couldnt imagine the way it really happened how i wanted it to. with this guy that has everything that i want.
my buzzing alarm woke me up. but i had a smile on my face that was so nice to wake up to :)
anyway i suppose i should go back to working on other things.. jsut figured id write this down before i forgot it.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
sunshine!
yesterday I had a slight breakthrough! it was a beautiful sunny day, drove to Portland with dad texted this guy I like for about 2 hrs :D and got to see Melinda and we decided we are going back to Zumba do we have time together again and I got an email from a guy who is interested in hiring me! it's all pretty good... then today it's back at the grind... got a monster in my hand and many thoughts in my head but nothin happening... hopefully I get paid today and can get some stuff accomplished!
Monday, January 23, 2012
where
i wish I knew where all this pain was coming from. I'm sick of the depression and urges to carve. so much lately all I want is more tattoos, piercings, Ive dyed my hair almost black, and I'm just hurting. I don't want to be the emo girl craving attention, but I do want to feel life again. I want to be happy I want to talk to people hang out with friends , text people and get responses and not ignored all the time, I'm at home alone so much lately I feel like being self destructive, I know it won't make anything better but it feels like all I have left. I miss Daniel being so far away at ait training. I miss my sister and how we barely see each other anymore, I miss seeing specific people out and about. I just want to matter to someone, I want to be a light to people and I feel like I've been shut down and hid in a corner for no one to find. I don't know where I am anymore and I don't know what to do.... I want to stop the pain and tears and I don't know how. I can't sleep and I barely eat. I have no life in me to encourage me through the day, my fire drills are all that push me to keep going, I know I can make it through the week if I have drill and something fun to look forward to.
Monday, January 16, 2012
so much pain
i don't know what to do. I'm so alone at home all the time. I just want to have friends again. I just want to talk to someone. I'm depressed bad and it's because I have no job, I'm broke, lonely, cold, hungry, and dissatisfied. I don't know where to go. I just feel like crying, and carving. I want to go out and have a good time. but there's no one to go out with. no one to have fun with. I just got back from a depressing walk in the ice by myself because I have nothing better to do. I'm headed to bed after I'm done typing because I feel like shit and have no one to talk to. not even my best friend will talk to me because her family and tv shows are more important. there has een many times lately someone has said that they will let me know what the plan is to hang out then they just bail on me and never text back. I feel like no one wants me around anymore... I just hurt and want to be loved again.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Winter Fun
well snowboarding yesterday was totally awesome!! yeah not lots to say about it but I have a blast! on to my other thoughts
this one girl, yeah you all know who I'm talking about, she's so annoying to me lately, it's this constant line of texts, what are you doing, can I come over, my boyfriend this and he that and he this and I that and he this... oh can he stay with you, on and on and on. she has to know everything going on all the time, I just want some peace an quiet! even if it is boring. she's gotta know everything going on in my mind, all about who I've been hanging with and everything. I just need some space!
last night was really good too! I was gonna go hang at the bar with a friend but we both ended up not going so I went over and hung out at his place. :) just talked about whatever and watched him play computer games. it was fun :) his mom came home and he took me for a ride in her mini cooper!! so frickin fast an awesome!!!!! we hit 75 in 3 blocks! anyway he's pretty fun to be around, I stayed there till like 2am just bs-ing and stuff. I really like this guy and hope it goes somewhere he's kinda rough on the outside but he's really sweet :) an I can't stop dreaming about him. he's always on my mind and always what I'm thinkin about :)... I sound pathetic haha but I don't care :)
this one girl, yeah you all know who I'm talking about, she's so annoying to me lately, it's this constant line of texts, what are you doing, can I come over, my boyfriend this and he that and he this and I that and he this... oh can he stay with you, on and on and on. she has to know everything going on all the time, I just want some peace an quiet! even if it is boring. she's gotta know everything going on in my mind, all about who I've been hanging with and everything. I just need some space!
last night was really good too! I was gonna go hang at the bar with a friend but we both ended up not going so I went over and hung out at his place. :) just talked about whatever and watched him play computer games. it was fun :) his mom came home and he took me for a ride in her mini cooper!! so frickin fast an awesome!!!!! we hit 75 in 3 blocks! anyway he's pretty fun to be around, I stayed there till like 2am just bs-ing and stuff. I really like this guy and hope it goes somewhere he's kinda rough on the outside but he's really sweet :) an I can't stop dreaming about him. he's always on my mind and always what I'm thinkin about :)... I sound pathetic haha but I don't care :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
2012
well it's a brand new year and nothing is really different. I'm always stuck in the same place, and now it's worse at home because I have no Internet to occupy myself I am so bored all the time. whatever tho that doesn't matter... there is so much going on yet nothing all at the same time. I haven't spoken to or even hardly seen Melinda in at least 2 weeks.
my mind has been going insane with the typical subject... boys... it ways seems as soon as something is promising, or I look into something a little too much, I'm always wrong and get get hurt and ignored, I really wish people would talk to me. this one guy is such a gentleman! hardly a text shorter than 5 words no matter what. his family is pretty cool and he's a really caring guy... beside the fact that he likes to drink a bit more than the average person... but oh we'll... I just wish I would be noticed by him and not ignored do much...
then there's this other guy that I've talked to quite a bit but he keeps saying it won't ever go anywhere so I've pretty much given up on that one
there's also the guy from Washington who was a complete ass to me after telling me that he would put out all the effort he could, I haven't texted him in a week and he hasn't either... so Im just gonna keep ignoring his dumb ass... I just want a country boy that loves the woods and God, I'm thinkin id be better off in another state where the real hillbillies reside haha... I just want to be happy in life. I want to find someone who truly loves me and wants to be by my side for the rest of my life without having to lie to me or be an ass. I just want to be happy. for now I guess I will settle with still being in my apt.
my mind has been going insane with the typical subject... boys... it ways seems as soon as something is promising, or I look into something a little too much, I'm always wrong and get get hurt and ignored, I really wish people would talk to me. this one guy is such a gentleman! hardly a text shorter than 5 words no matter what. his family is pretty cool and he's a really caring guy... beside the fact that he likes to drink a bit more than the average person... but oh we'll... I just wish I would be noticed by him and not ignored do much...
then there's this other guy that I've talked to quite a bit but he keeps saying it won't ever go anywhere so I've pretty much given up on that one
there's also the guy from Washington who was a complete ass to me after telling me that he would put out all the effort he could, I haven't texted him in a week and he hasn't either... so Im just gonna keep ignoring his dumb ass... I just want a country boy that loves the woods and God, I'm thinkin id be better off in another state where the real hillbillies reside haha... I just want to be happy in life. I want to find someone who truly loves me and wants to be by my side for the rest of my life without having to lie to me or be an ass. I just want to be happy. for now I guess I will settle with still being in my apt.
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