that little hole

yep I've sunk back down into it an I don't know what to do... all this pain an stress is making me crazy... is it so hard to ask for someone decedent in my life?? why must all guys be complete asses? the act like this one day and treat you totally different the next... I'm sick of all this playing games shit... I just want to be happy, I just want to be with that special someone who is just right for me... why is it the one guy that I totally want is so nice to me, an now is completely ignoring me, it's like I don't exsist... I feel like shit an I just want someone to hang with... no one cares.. I'm just the weird girl who doesn't have a place... I am so sick of being ignored like this all the time... it hurts and I can't stand it... I guess it's another quiet night in my apt alone with popcorn an a sad movie to cry myself to sleep to again... :/ I just hurt so bad inside

Square one

well life should be interesting from here on out... as of dec 1 I was officially unemployed because of job position termination.... awesome... now if I could get my paycheck and move on with life id be happy... but yeah right... I would love to go job hunting but dad says i still need you to work here an I can pay you under the table... we today is my first day and I've done nothing... I dont want to be here there's nothing to do... I want to get out so bad... I just feel so stressed right now I want to scream and leave, just take off... I know exactly where I'd go an I really want to I just need my paycheck so I can put some gas in the car and leave. I also really want to go snowboarding, but haven't gotten a hold of Ben about that yet.. need to... I just wish I could figure this all out

next weekend will help tho, i get to see Jake :) its gonna be a blast! can't wait to go up to Cuda Beach Club and party!!
well back to 'work' laters yall

headaches n heart attacks!

my mind has been racing so much lately about everything going on, an I'm texting like 5 people at once and trying to keep with with all these guys messing with my head! I just dont know what to do right now!! I was sitting here running parts and pondering all these guys ... and I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do and where I'm suppose to go with all this... an as I'm sittin here thinkin about texting Ben later, he all the sudden just shows up in the shop... I really hope he can't tell that my cheeks flush bright red an my body goes into 200 degree temperature inside and my heart starts racing... it's so insane what happens when he walks into the room... I've got to talk to him, but there's no time before we leave, so I suppose on one of our snowboard trips I'll have to say something... there's just something about him that gets to me and I can't get enough of it, I feel torn when he leaves. and I know hes headed to the beach... it takes me so much restraint to not hop in my truck an meet him down there... I just want to hug him and tell him how he makes me feel without ruining anything we already have... back to work ... mind circling and heart still racing...

total insanity

wow so much going on all at once it's like. origin was happening now everything is... AAAHHHHH lol I just gotta breath!! ok where to start? how about last weekend was fun but crazy... this guy Jacob one of Zach's friends was totally hittin on me the whole weekend and I kinda liked it but was like dude this guy has problems... but now he's still talking to me... lee facebooked me the other night and was all ' I may or may not want you back let's have coffee' and Andrew is all are we ok... I shut him down cuz he won't leave me alone... and Carhartt guy is still cruising the town now and again an I've also got this guy I'm talking to that I found online... he's so sweet :) I've really enjoyed texting him all day yesterday n today and he might come visit Friday if I get off work at a decent time... it's just a matter of how much dad and I have to do between now a d when we leave for New Jersey... yep we are road trippen it leavin when the parts are finished all 14,000 pounds of them... then swinging by Texas and picking up Ryan's old trams then heading home... crazy busy right now... oh and yeah Ben still stops in and that still messes with my head... an I wanna go snowboarding but dot got the time ... or snow :/ yeah life is hectic oh and Ryan comes home on the 9th so that's exciting :D life's just rolling along ... which reminds me I need to fill out an app for Ecola here pretty quick... oh ad keep up with my pampered chef! like I said before... AAAAHHHHHH :)

A Change In Plans...

Ok so after talking to my parents and looking realistically im not headed to london this coming year, maybe someday in the future... kinda sucks cuz it would be really fun but i aint got not clue how to make it happen, so in the mean time, i will keep workin for dad, attempt to build up some savings and do the 7 week term at Ecola, spring term... that is doable and not too long away from my apt... which brings me to another big step... so my friend will be staying here and i will come back on some weekends depending on my schedule, after that she an i MAY move in together, i havent figured that one out yet. i havent decided if i want to or not, sometimes its nice to be alone, but at the same time my rent and other bills (totaling over 600$ a month) is killing me.. i cant save up for anythign and paying half as much would be really nice!!! hmm what else is going on ... the usual crazy rant with boys, it always seems the one yu want you can never have.. whatever im getting used to it, i still dont like it tho, not being able to say what im feeling.. jsut gotta go with the flow...

I AM SO EXCITED cuz its supposed to snow here this weekend which means its building up on the mountains which means i getta pull out my board again!!!!! WOOHOOO :D i cant wait to be back up on that mountain, face planting and all!!!

oh im headed to washington this weekend with Christina.. should be an interesting one.. she is kinda a pecular one... always has to have everything planned down to a t, then flips out if somethin goes wrong... anyway im driving up an getting between 17-21 mpg im happy!! plus with my new cover it should be closer to the 21 range ... i suppose i should sleep... but i cant thus the reason im on here.. yep.. oh and i gotta find a way to get rid of this guy who says hes my friend and will wait till the ends of the earth for me to like him... aint never gonna happen and ive told him that.. i had a crappy day and kinda mentioned it to him.. he drove from keizer to bring me homemade food, thinking it would cheer me up..... not!! anyway.. yeah back to the real world... my chaotic messed up painful crazy stressful life.. laters yall... night :)

Here we go!!

oh boy!! so yesterday sue Dunham was talking to me about where Seth is in London, and he said if I wanted to she would help sponsor me to go over there and help out and such. I didn't know what this was so I looked into it, DTS- Decipileship training school... oh sounds legit enough... I'm lookin to really do this. I would be leavin from Jan 14-aug22 it's an 8 month program almost 6 months class work and 12 weeks of outreach, and this years outreach is to help with the 2012 summer Olympics... yeah I know exciting!! I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do this because of where I'm at, where I've been lately I need something to do, some direction to take and I said Lord send me a sign, and here it is it will be sad to be gone for 8 months but I think I can handle it. dad can't keep up with payroll and I'm not going anywhere here it's time I do something... and I think this is where I'm supposed to go, please keep me in your prayers y'all!!! love ya guys :)

depressed again?

Kinda feelin that way again... it's really sucky I can't ever get what I want... I just want someone to hold me and whisper in my ear. I want someone I can be with someone I can show off to the world... why is there no one out there for me?? I'm so stuck and hurting right now, I really need a pick-me-up I just don't know what to do... I don't know who to look to anymore. I know I'm supposed to just live for God and he will provide, well I don't know where I supposed to be and this rut is not any fun anymore.. I just want to be happy again. I want to live again, I feel so dead these days, even after a really fun weekend. I just feel like crying... I hate being depressed but that's where I am... just about feeling the need to hide the sharp stuff...

yep did it again...

I always seem to fuck it all up... no matter what I do I'm never good enough.... and just as always... I try to do something and just make it worse... why do I bother ... I'm always getting my hopes up and then just being crushed over and over again... it really hurts when he bails on me 20 min before we are supposed to meet... I feel like I'm annoying him... why is he being such an ass to me?! do I always find the ass holes?? I just can't do anything right... I'm gonna fuckin die and old maid never settle down or have kids or the life I want... what's the point anymore where's the fun and reason in life?? I ain't found it I guess... whatever fuck this... a walk in the rain sounds good tonight after a few drinks... y'all know where to find me... night.....

silly flirtations

today was a really good day for me, it was so nice to have the fun of spending it with him :) there's just something about him that I can't help but smile when he's around. there were multiple times when I know he was flirting and it drove me insane! so many times I wanted to say something to him or just put my arms around him... but circumstances (ie dad) were always around. when the four of us (me him dad and Melinda) were headed out to the truck he just walks up beside me and shoves me, so I shove him back... then there was just the constant jokes going on and playful banter... I just couldn't stay away from him... and now that I'm home I already miss him... I really wanted to ask him about next Friday but dad wouldn't give us 2 min alone... it was annoying!! oh well I suppose I shoul quit ranting about him and just frickin talk to him... anyway off to a fun (?) night with Christina... deff won't. e as fun as last night even tho I had the shit scared out of me (*glares at jesse*)... anyway see ya laters y'all... .... *<3* *sigh*... :)

butterflies and frustration

why must it always be this way? why must I never get what I want or find somethin that will actually work? why do I always fall for people I will never be able to have forever? I really don't like this pattern anymore I want someone in my life. yesterday just hanging around, sittig on a stool and he hits me in the head with his hat, then smirks and looks away... my heart jumps and goes crazy... it's so much fun just workin on trucks and joking around, but then he leaves and I text him and he ignores me... it really is painful the things I go through... I hate having all these mixed messages and I just want to talk to him and work it out but I know what the answer is gonna be and it kills me inside, there's always that spark of hope but it just gets crush when I think realistically... and if the flirting isn't bad enough I've woken up every morning for the past week after dreaming of spending time with him... it's just frustrating having this wonderful world in my head then just knowing it won't ever work out and I should just give up and go on with life alone.. it's just so painful having to be mind torchered by this day in an day out.. I dot know what to do anymore... and it's only maybe once a week I see him...

the other night was awesome... he asked me to go take care of Em both the night and morning. he also had tol me if i needed to crash there he had two beds and a couch but to not have any wild parties, which cracked me up. but anyway I was giving Em attention and just looking around his place a little and he had some adorable pictures up of him and his brother from when they were little, it makes me want to sit down and learn all about him, what all he did growing up as a kid... I just get so intrigued being around him... then my head says it's never gonna happen and I feel crushed again. I'm so stuck here I want to head to the beach and just let the waves wash away my pain.

I just don't know anymore

I'm just feel so out of it these days and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so stuck trying to figure out what to do. I really want to start my life, I feel so stuck in this middle ground. I want to move out, start a family start really living... I feel like I should just give up on this idea of liking this person... I haven't dared tell him anything but at times the way he talks makes me wonder if he already knows... he hardly texts me back and barely comes over on his days off... then he says he'll see me soon but never comes over... probably wouldn't ever work out even tho he is such a gentleman and a really great guy... guess I need to just keep on going in life on my own, even tho that's not where I want to be. I want to be happy and be able to have that person to depend on without having to lose them ever... I wanna be with someone who loves me forever and puts up with all the shit I've been through and someone that understands... I dont know what I'm supposed to do in life... I wanna go places and do things but I feel so stuck in this rut not going anywhere anymore. I just want to be happy again... is that too much to ask for?? ...

really bummed out today, I wish I could go down to the beach in the rain and jist sit on the tailgate watchin the waves roll by without anything to interrupt... but that won't happen

a time for everything...

There is a time for everything in life, and right now im sure i want so much that isnt where im supposed to be... hopefully im turning in a resume and application to the roundup pub tomorrow! lots to do at dads work, got another pampered chef show saturday. and i wanna just take off and go to the beach for some me time to sit and think about everything going on lately.. i really wanna talk to someone but it seems they avoid me at all costs unless they are over at dads the same time i am... i just wanna talk to them but i guess things wont happen so i should just drop it before i get more hurt... like usual... i wish i could just figure out where im supposed to be and who im supposed to be with, i wish that guy out there for me would just drop into my life, i want to go places i want to do things, like start a family... i want to be out of this tiny little apt.. i want to have a job that supports what i need and want in life.. i want to just really start living already.. is that too much to ask? its frustrating not being able to do what i want, not getting paid when i  should be so it makes things hard to get out (like rent and insurance) i really wanna find someone that i can relate to, someone who gets me and loves me the way i would love someone... and a firm believer to keep ourselves both on track with God. its just so hard these days.. i guess i will just keep on blastin the country songs that explain my life and keep on treckin along in it... day by day.. waiting impatiently for things to fall in to place.... ill quit ranting.. laters all! .. night..

agony

its amazing to me how much the mind holds and where it centers its thoughts. as of late i cannot keep specific thoughts out of my mind, day or night time, these visions are a constant reminder to me. every moment of this item. and it makes me insane. i dont know how to go about this or even where to start. i feel like im pushing things away from myself. i want to bring it up without the concern of distancing myself from something so important to me. i just want to be near, to see, to hear, like a constant bubbling stream of happiness. i want to live again with this. and i want it to be mine. i dont know what i am supposed to do. i dont know what to say. my mind blanks whenever contact is imminent. i guess i need to build up the courage and just make it happen. anyway, enough big words for today.

hmm

I don't know what to think, its all on my mind. Its killing me to stay alive. it hurts this pain I've found and I'm gonna drown... I don't know what to do or where to go from here. my mind is spinning and I can't find flat ground. I just want to be happy with this.. I want to be able to go where I want with this. but these walls keep being put up and I keep being stopped. it's so hard to turn away from this when it hasn't even happened yet... I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to be held and peaceful again :/ help me

an amazing day out :)

I had the best day at the beach on Sunday!! left my place at like 6 picked up my friends dog and headed down to lincoln city with her, was an amazing drive to clear my mind!! sat on the tailgate watching the waves and studying for my class, around 9 met up with my friend and headed down to Newport. it was such a great drive and I had a very wonderful conversation with them. then headed back to Lincoln city for food and to pick up my truck. headed down to the casino for food cuz it was the only place open. then headed home... nothin like telling all your troubles to a silent friend who will just make you smile and cheer you up by nosing you :) it was a very nice evening even if I got to bed at 2 and up at 7 anyway...

classes are going great!! two mandatory days left and its so fun!!
life is great and I'm a little stuck where I am, but I'm enjoying the scenery and even tho mom n dad aren't very happy with my bartending stuff it's my life and the path I'm choosing :)

the visible hurting

I really don't like it when you are talking with someone and you can see the pain in their eyes, you can tell something is hurting them. They tell you about it and all you want to do it wrap them up in a hug and just hold them until the hurt goes away. I have a really hard time dealing with this, I'm compassionate and it hurts me deeply when someone I dearly care about is hurting this bad. I just wish I could do something, anything to help them, to comfort them, to bring them peace and joy again. I wish I could get rid of their pain for them take it onto my own shoulders and let them be free of their burden. I don't like seeing others hurt, and that is why I get hurt so much, but I'm gonna be honest, this is why I love so deeply, and I just wish things will work out this time with someone new, I want this so bad but I gotta be patient and not ruin the friendship we have built up already, but I'm ready to take the next step, to say hey, I really wanna be there whenever you need me to, I wanna make your life better. anyway, back to reality.

The Best Feeling

it's the best feelin in the world knowing that I was the problem the whole time and I was a burden in life to someone... wow I feel so much better I can make someone's life so much better by leaving them on their own, it's such a relief to finally figure that out, I also love how I can dump an entire group of friends by one little line and how I'm a bad person now. whatever you told them it seemed to work, glad to know no one likes me or will talk to me anymore... but at least I know I got rid of a group of people who dragge me down. I was being pulled down with such negativity that I did't realize, I'm glad I now can grow more without all you people and actually find my way in life with real supportive friends by my side. friends who care and friends who will lift me up when I'm feeling like shit, cuz I look back and it was always negative, there was never any encouragement or highlights that I can recall of when I needed a hand up from something. I guess I just needed a kick in the pants to figure this out, thanks for that I guess... go have a great life cuz I don't give a fuck at all anymore. your life is amazing with out me and I'm glad you can finally be free of my burden to you.

Down The Road

in the truck and headed for Laramie Wyoming! I wish I could stay there for more than a night but that's how it's gonna be, taking Ryan half way then he's on his own! gonna be a nice short trip hopefully we get back Sunday morning early. got a busy day planned for Monday with a job opportunity and other stuff... lifes moving on and its good. I keep mulling over some possibilities in my mind and it's driving me insane! I wish I knew where to go and what life looks like a year down the road. But hey no one knows... so I'm living for the night. got some great plans for the next few weeks if my account allows. should be a blast!
heard your all headed out to clear lake this weekend, hope y'all have a great time and actually catch some fish. I'm sure it will be a blast since it shouldn't rain.
I suppose I'll quit ranting laters...

I'm gonna leave

I don't know where I'll go but I want to get out if this shit hole, I want to start over an re-do my life... it's so fucked up and I'm so pussed with everything going on I just want to scream, I hate rules and what people say I can't do. this is shit!! I'm gonna move away and find me somewhere I can live my life how I want to. I'm gonna find me someone who loves me for me and treats me how I should be treated. I wanna go somewhere i can have a job of my dreams, have a ranch, and kids and be happy with life. I just wanna get away, I wanna leave this bad stuff and be free again, I feel so tied down with no one around to lift me up and help me push forward, I'm so stuck and so hurt. no one even realizes what a few little words can do to a person, I guess I get what I deserve tho right, because I am a horrible person telling the truth about my feelings, well go ahea and lie and make up excuses, I'm leaving the first hance I get and no one is gonna stop me. no one cares anyway...

all the time

why must there be hurt all the time, so much struggle and hard work that never seems to get paid off. why do these things keep happening? I just want to be happy in life again, I want to be able to just take off for the day head to the mountains or coast and just spend the day with that special person, I want to be able to go off and hang out when ever. just be the best I can. I don't know how to fix things right now, I know how I want it to be, but my plans hardly ever are what it turns out to be, or how it ends up. it seems like I'll never get to where I want to be... it's so frustrating. I never get to have what I want... all I want is you and me happy together and loving life with whatever hits us... but I suppose I should start dreamin something else, because the way it seems to be headed and the luck I have with life. I just can't do it, Tuesday I was so ready to kick you the curb, I was so pissed and frustrated with you an what you said, then I rationalized things and came to the same conclusion I have every time, I love you and I just can't let you go... I don't know what I would do without you, and I don't want to be left on my own. I don't want to be just friends, being that really sucks monkey balls... the difference between being friends with you and being with you is the difference between having a truck, and having a truck with fuel that can take you places.

Ouch

I thought I was done with this kind of pain, I thought we had it made, after all the effort I put out I'm still not good enough. yes I know I can be a little immature at times, and as career path wise, I honestly want to be a stay at home mom on a small farm. but that can't happen right now... I don't know how much I've fought these past years with my emotions, but I am damn well not gonna drop back again, I know what I want in life, you're in the picture. I don't want to give you space, but I know it's what you need and I respect that 100% because it's my only chance. I don't know right off what I have to do but I am going to figure it out, I can't lose you again, I can't dissapear like that again, I'm so willing to try my best to be what you need me to be, whatever it takes to make this work.

I just can't take this back and forth, yes no, I love you, I don't want you, anymore... it's yes I wanna try to work on it and make it last, or no go away I don't want you... there really isn't an in between in a relationship...

I'm currently contemplating moving to Utah, I would have good pay and lots to do. get dads ttm boards back, pay off the house, get a day job somewhere, and just plant myself there, maybe thats where I need to go, that's what I need to do, its where I've seen myself living for a few months, and I could be happy there. I know I don't know what to want to do a life long career, but I'm working on it and trying to figure out who I am in this world, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. maybe I need to spread my wings and fly away and see if I can find it elsewhere.

this song never really made sense to me, then this morning it can on the radio and it hit me...

I can love you in the morning
I can love you all day
I can love you even more when I get home
I can love you every second
to the ends of the earth
Where needing you's the only thing that's on
my broken one track mind

(Chorus)
Girl, I love you crazy
It comes so easy, after all we had
I could love you with all my heart
But the hardest part is
I just can't love you back


I could write a thousand letters
Call a hundred times a day
Or try to drown my sorrow at the bar
I could go down to the church
Get on my knees and pray
But it still won't change the way things really are
Won't bring you back again

(chorus)

I can love you for all I'm worth
To the ends of the earth
But I just can't love you back

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm just gonna take this day by day... I'm giving you space, I'm gonna just let you be, I'm not gonna text , if you need anything you gotta initiate it, balls in your court

I love you...

missing you

walking along the beach this morning just made me think of you, how much I am missing you already this weekend, it's really fun getting to know some of the older girls that are here, cconsidering I am the youngest by 5 years. I love the atmosphere here at the beach, it's just odd tryin to keep with everyone here 20-70 yrs old... I wish you could be here in my arms, I miss you. lots! I wanna hold your hand and walk along the beach with you enjoying Gods creation. I remember very clearly the last time we were at the beach <3 memories in my mind that I love are surrounding that day. I miss you so much love and hope you are having a good dy at work!! I love you <3

kicked around like a puppy

wow lately all it's been is Nicki do this nicki do that... it frisking pisses me
off... she always has to have the upper hand like she knows better in everything in life because 'she's been through lots' I don't give a shit... you aren't living my life and I don't care what you say... I'm sick of where I'm at... I want a better job, and I wish I could speed up life into the future a little bit to see what other jobs come in the future... seltzer could get here soon that'd be nice... fir now I have to stick it out and deal with this crap I keep being handed... I don't like this whole being bossed around by her and everyone... I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions...

heartaches

I never imagined it being this hard, really in 09 we did 3 weeks... why is it so much harder for 6 days? my heart hurts, and every now an then I gotta hold bak the tears. I know I'll be back in your arms soon, but you seem so far away, I feel like a magnet that's been broke in half and tossed into another state.... I just want to be back in you arms where I know I'm safe. I miss you so much Jess, I need you here. Florida is gonna be really hard too... :/
I should stop writing before I get myself in trouble... I love you and miss you Jess <3

road trippin it

ok first off Gods creation is AMAZING!! it's so pretty out on the road and that's why I love it!! looking out over all these huge ranches really makes my inner cowgirl jealous, I would love to look out my back window and see fields of paints, Arabs, and draft horses :) the wild life out here is amazing too, beautiful mockingbirds and little bunnies! the only thing I want right now is to be sitting here with your hand in mine as we fly down the road through these hills!! I was gonna try not to miss you until a few days passed but i didn't even last a day :/ it's amazing to me how one can have feelings in their heart, shut them out, let them back in and they are stronger than before... you have no idea how badly I miss you right now, although I know you probably miss me just and much lol

we are rollin down the road headed out of Utah and into Wyoming (400 and some odd miles to Chyenne) I've got so many country songs in my head I just about can't listen to my iPod, my brain is on shuffle lol. hmm I'm out of words right now but I'm sure I will have more later!!! I miss you tons!! <3 laters love :) ..... (and you too Ariel ;)

100 truths, because im so bored!!

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: monster
2. Last phone call: Ariel
3. Last text message: To Jesse
4. Last song you listened to: whiskey girl
5. Last time you cried: today, watchin a movie lol

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: yes...
7. Been cheated on: Not that i know of
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yes
9. Lost someone special: Yes
10. Been depressed: Yes, very
11. Been drunk and threw up: haha yeah

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. green
13. black
14. blue

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)
15. Made a new friend?: Yes
16. Fallen out of love? no 
17. Laughed until you cried? Yes
18. Met someone who changed you? Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were? Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you? no
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friends' list? yes

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life? pretty much all of them i think
23. A TV show you wish was NOT canceled? csi miami
24. Do you have any pets? My kitties, and horses
25. M&M's with or with OUT peanuts? Without
26. What did you do for your last birthday? worked then went over to Jesse's....... <3
27. What time did you wake up today? which time? the first time was at like 3:40 to shawn puking haha, but got up at 9
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? holding hands with jess on the broken futon lol
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: the future!!
30. Last time you saw your Mother? at lunch
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? the way i spend money, wish id be wiser
32. What are you listening to right now? love remembers
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yes
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? my cats scratching the carpet
35. Most visited webpage?: prolly facebook
36. PC or Mac?  uh either 
37. Nicknames: nicki, icky, nick, babe
38. Relationship Status: completely taken <3
39. Zodiac Sign: libra
40. Lady or Gent? Lady
41. Elementary? rickreall
42. Middle School? Faith Christian/ Lacreole
43. High School? Dallas High School
44. Hair Color? brown 
45. Long or short? Long
46. Height? 5'4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes :)
48. What do you like about yourself? (im gonna brag here) im photogenic!!
49. Piercings? Ears, belly button
50. Tattoos? 3
51. Righty or lefty? righty
52. First surgery? back of leg
53. First Piercing? Ears
54. First best friend? Joila Cops
55. First sport you joined? gymnastics
58. Notice 56 & 57 missing? Not until this question

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating: doritos
60. Drinking: monster
61. *Poke*: .. *POKE*
62. *Poke*: hey!! ... *POKE TIMES A HUNDERED* !!!
63. Waiting for? forever to happen :D
64. Want kids? yes some day
65. Get Married? yes some day :D
66. Career? going for bartending

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: both!! but hugs if sad and kisses if happy
69. Shorter or taller: Taller
70. Older or Younger: Older
71. Romantic or spontaneous: yes!
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: uh .. nice butt.. :D
73. Sensitive or loud: a mix, i want neither!!
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship only!
75. Trouble-maker or hesitant: yes lol

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger? No
77. Drank hard liquor? yup
78. Lost glasses/contacts? yup
79. Had sex on first date? No
80. Broken someone's heart? Yes
81. Had your own heart broken? yeah
83. Turned someone down? Yes
84. Cried when someone died? Yes
85. Fallen for a friend? Yes


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself? usually
87. Miracles? Yes
88. Love at first sight? Yes
89. Heaven? Yes!
90. Santa Claus? No, haha
91. Kiss on the first date? nope
92. Angels? Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 
93. Had more than one bf/gf at the same time?: technically yes,.. depends how you look at it
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Very much so!!
95. Did you sing today? i always do
96. Ever cheated on somebody? No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? I would like to fix the end of 2009, but today wouldnt be the same if i did
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? i would pick one from 2009, it would be the day after Jesse and i got back from a jog after school, he was wearing a white t-shirt, the sun was shining and we were laying under the tree in his moms front yard, my head on his chest listening to his heart beating and jsut living in that moment :D
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? no im not afraid!
100. Posting this as 100 truths? yup

why?

why is it that the moment you leave my heart sinks?
why is it that the moment I walk out the door I feel sad?
why is it I miss you so much when I only saw you yesterday?
why is it I feel so lonely when your not by my side?
why is it I feel lost with out you holding my hand?

I know why, its because you hold my heart, you hold my soul, and you fill me up with your love and I come alive! When I'm around you I'm complete again. When you hold my hand, I never worry about being lost, I know you are here for me whenever I fall, and I never have to worry about being alone. When I was not yours to hold it felt wrong to be in their arms, it felt wrong to stay away from you. I wasn't living when I was away from you, I was dead to them and dead to myself, I was dead to you. There wasn't any spark of life in me, I was just going day to day, trying to survive on my own, trying to survive without you. it wasn't what I wanted, nor what I needed, I needed you. When you hold me in your arms the world fades away and you're all I see. Your love wrapped around me will never disappear.  When you are around me I am vibrant and full of life and love. I will never leave you, you know this, the past was the past and we are living in the present :) I love you Jess, forever and always <3

a million unanswered questions...

:P first off I'm just gonna say I'm not gonna worry about it... it's not my place to know so I'll leave it be... but I still have a million questions in my head as to why he came over... I was in rickreall and headed to my parents pull in the drive and Jess was there... kinda shocked, but ok whatever lol... he left so I asked dad a simple question... what's he know... dads response "I dunno"... awesome now I got a million questions but I'm just gonna leave it be... like I said not my place to know anything...

anyway i had an amazing weekend!! love love loves dyeing hair with Melinda!! it was awesome till jinhoon kept interrupting lol but yeah Sunday night was wonderful... not gonna elaborate but I certainly enjoyed it haha :) life is pretty amazing and I can't wait to see where it takes me, but I do know that I'm gonna be happy with whoever is by my side :D laters y'all!!!

ranting and raving

ok so right now i TOTALLY wish it were summer!! i really miss those hot sunny days where you could just kick back and do nothing. sit around with your friends and live for the moment.. those days were the best!! i really wanna go to the fair right now i dont know why but i really want to lol. just the atmosphere, and smells :D i miss the warm drive ins, sitting in the grass, jogging, beach days, and just talking about endless truck things :D i cannot wait for this summer to arrive!!! i wanna make the most of it this year!! i want it to be a blast!! ok so im totally very talkitive right now and i got no idea why , i jsut am lol.. so yeah im excited for saturday!! getting the 'love' tattoo on my hand!! woohoo!! yeah im just in a crazy mood.. cant really be explained.. kinda a warm fuzzy estatic butterfly-y hyper, impatient, happy, crazy mood!! i want so much to happen right now, but i gotta have patience and let the cards fall when they do.. and that for me is SO hard right now!!! but yeah back to the beginning i want the sunshine to be here, i want triangle lake to be here, i want to relive those memories from the past, i want to revisit summer of '09 but do it better!!!! i really want to make the most of life!! and i wanna do it with those i love by my side!! :D i feel like ive been missing out for a while.. and i dont like that feeling... it wasnt a good one... i cant wait to see what is in store for this coming year!! :D ... *sigh* i should quit ranting and raving.. but thats what a blogs for right? filling it up with all youre thinking?? yeah anyway all y'all prolly wanna stop reading and get back to your lives.. so i guess ill quit typing now... ok now... hahahahahaha lol.. yeah laters y'all LOVE YA!!!
~N

song in my head

this song has been in my head for the past few days :D its such a good one and its very true!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4yRsT_fPic

alive again!

it's amazing to me how you think you're living but not actually alive inside... you go day by day going through the motions, putting others first because you feel you don't matter, putting out trying to make it feel real, make it seem like you have a reason to go day to day. after some time you start to believe you're happy, you push the hurt from your mind an ignore it. you feel like you're living again and actualy happy. reality hits you like a full blow from a horse, you realize that you've been living a lie. you realize what made you happy, what brought you to life in the first place, you realize where you were when you felt that freedom. and you realize you can live again. taking in that first breath of life, the feeling of warmth takes over your heart and the butterflies take flight. the feeling of being again the feeling of living again :) it's so comforting. I cannot wait to see where this goes, this summer is going to be way better than the summer of '09 :)

crazy days and butterflies

so the last 3 days have been so crazy!! like I didnt have any perception of the issues in my relationship till my eyes were opened up and then I realized how many problems is in it and like how much shit I'm putting up with that I don't need to be! it's like I dont see what the point of this relationship is anymore... it's like I'm not getting anything out of it anymore... at least nothing beneficial to me at all, and he's dragging me down with him... I don't need that!! I can do so much better!! and I think I'm going to... I just gotta find the right time to talk to lee about it then I can move on to better things :)

now the butterflies... so yeah didn't know that feeling still existed in my heart until
I saw this text I got... my heart just fluttered and it was insane!! it was a great feeling that I haven't felt in a long time... crazy good :) I've really missed that feeling and I really wanna put out my all to make this really work, to make this really last, to make this everything we need it to be :) yeah I'm ready for this to be the best relationship ever... I wanna make it better than it was in 2009... it will be :)... anyway back to the reality of the meantime... *stress* ... no I won't be stressed!! I will be waiting for the opertunity to make this work!! :) laters y'all!!! <3

my dream for the (near) future

what i plan to accomplish is to finish out these last few months before my 21st with dad at work, then go to a two week class on bartending then find a decent job at a restraunt (most likely not just straight into the bar scene) work there for a while, build up some money so i can get credit and a loan to build my dream bar/club in the future. i really really want to make this happen, i dont know who will be by my side supporting me but thats up to God. i know its not my timing but Gods that will determine this but i would like to be married in the next few years (2-3) if possible, i want to start a family, yeah money will be tight with a business loan and family and everything but its what i want to do for a living, im gonna find a way to make this happen, i want it to be this way. i want to have this bar and run it how i like, and i jsut have to have patience getting there, i wish i knew how i was going to get there and who is gonna be by my side helping but i dont know., i really have no idea who... could be any number of people, maybe even someone i havent met... i dont know where im going i know im not giving up just yet until i have a deep convo with lee, but things are kinda iffy in my book right now.. he still thinks its smooth sailing... he doesnt see the storm brewing, the way he was raised work is more important than family, that just doesnt float my boat... some things are great other things i wanna confront him about and say hey, i disagree with you on this.. i really dont wanna lose the relationships and friendships with his friends and family that are really great, but if it doesnt work then it doesnt work! anyway i should get back to work.. not that im working hard today anyway... erg thats what is the worst about working for dad, there is never two consistent days with hrs.. its hit and miss and with the business struggling its hard on me... laters y'all!

questions and second thoughts...

wow.. so to start off this story ill say me n melinda went to a zumba master class (2 hrs) and were very very tired and sore after, melinda says i get to take a hot shower then ryan's giving me a massage.. im like psh i wish.. shes asks me wouldnt lee come over and give me one (its 9.20 and lee usually goes to bed about then because he's 'too old to stay up late') im like no prolly not.. she suggested i ask, so i did.. and got the typical reply, not tonight.. hmm well that set melinda off and got me thinkin... shes like ok what is his problem he cant come over for 15 min and give you a massage to help you relax, im like ask him. she did and it went down hill from there. push comes to shove, lee has an important job that he has to be focused and rested for and cant take the time to come give me a short massage... melinda is unhappy ( i kinda agree)(yes women are needy) because he wont go out of his way for a little bit to give me somethin because his 'work' is more important, ( like and extra 30 min of sleep is that crucial hes prolly still up watching tv) melinda asks him 'so if you married her you'd be a career first family second kinda freak huh?' his reply?... 'there is obviousally a line.....' melinda got more pissed, he says ' well my work is a career for me... so yes there is a line between work and family, i have to be focused for work to do good, but also be there for family.' melinda says ' so she's not important enough for you to take 10 min away from 'focusing on your job' to be with her when she needs you/' there was no reply.. until i egged him on to get it... 'i do care about you, but need to make sure that my career can support my future family...' which makes sense to me except i know he doesnt have a savings account and hes broke the end of each month from buying (unnecessary in my opinion) truck parts and expensive materialistic things (aka sunglasses.. dont ask how much he spent on them) so how is his career supporting a future family? i dont see that..
there is jsut so much that doesnt make sense to me but seems to to him... i dunno different ways of being raised. me n minnie were just talking about stuff and its kinda things i havent thought about.. what all we take for granted in life.. who really cares about us and who doesnt, who would drop anything to come help out, and who thinks they just need to be there when its convenient for them.

i dunno pondering many many many thoughts in my head right now.. so much going on and so many things that used to be or i used to have and what i have thats different and how its different and why it is that way.. my brain wont shut off!! gonna be a late night again even tho im wiped out physically. its kinda like melinda said, so if you (me) are at work and broke something, would he (lee) drop what hes doing at work, ask his boss if he can leave and go see you and make sure youre ok?, i honestly dont know if he would.. its like yeah he says he really cares but at the same time actions speak louder than words...

in my opinion family should always come first, no matter what, and you should be at a job that you can take off from to go meet that need, emergency or not. i dunno just some thoughts that are roaming my head and kinda stressing me out..

hes always kinda had this attitude of  'well i can tell this is going to be a longterm relationship' so it seems at times he really takes that for granted. like hey this seems like its gonna last a while, i can just cruise through life and i know she will be there for me tomorrow... i dont like that attitude or feeling, ive learned in past relationships that attitudes and lack of communication can really trash your relationship. im not gonna let this fester in my mind on my own very long, its gonna come out and gonna be discussed, so is this question " if you died today where would you go" i gotta plant that seed or its never gonna get sown, if he cant take that and he cant accept that this is the way i need a relationship to go ( im not high maitinance really just some things need to be a certain way), then im gonna really have to question him and i, yeah i have strong feelings for him, but i dont want to be treated like shit sitting on the back burner waiting to be important when its convenient..it needs to be discussed and brought out in the open where both of us can see it... relationships can seem so perfect on the outside, and people can lie to make it seem like life is fine and dandy, but on the inside there can be pain and hurt and longing that no one will ever see unless it is addressed... anyway enough rambling for tonight, this is long enough and i should try to get some sleep... well yeah pondering life, dont know where im headed, i know what i want in the (near)future, i know where i want to go, i know that, my dreams gonna be up in another blog, maybe tomorrow or so but yeah.. i know what i want, now, how am i going to get there?!?! and whos gonna be there to support and help me through it, when i need support??.... goodnight yall thanks for reading, feel free to input your ideas or questions or comments or ranting to me via email, i gotta get sleep!!! zzz night :)