lost again :P

great jsut figured out i left my license at zumba last night and have no way to get it back.. i have errands to run adn stuff.. grr this is aggrivating, im stressed out about it, i have lunch in salem hopefully im getting a ride, and then tonight i got stuff too.. erg why didnt i double check my pockets last night?!?!?!?! *aggrivated* why does this always happen to me? i hate losing stuff!!! well i guess i should jsut wait for a reply.. if that ever happens...

congloberation of mixed feelings :/

I don't know what to do, I want one thing then the next moment I want something else... there are so many pros and cons to decisions... and right now I'm weighing both.. I don't know what's happening... I can't sort out my feelings an have no idea which side is up in my emotions right now... I want one thing, but I want that too... I want to quit hurting people, I want this to be right I want to make the right choice... i just don't know.... ugh... :( I hurt still ... i just wish.... erg... :/ it's my choice and my future life... what do I really want? why am I supposed to do... I want to be happy and not confused... I want to be free and not weighed down by a wrong decision... *sigh* I hate being stuck...

choices

we all have choices to make everyday and recently a choice I have to make has become a huge one in my life, I don't know what I'm choosing yet, I'm letting the Lord guide me, but I do feel a pull to one direction for what's right. this has been incredibly stressful and hard for me, especially this time of year and everything going on, I don't want to Hirt anyone and idont want to lose anyone, I just want it to work out and be right. I want it to be real, I want to be good. I want to be able to live out my dream with someone I love and who loves me
for who I am, quirks and all. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions about anything just yet. this is very difficult on me and what brought this all up yesterday was one single song, it hit me an I almost was in tears, it took me back and made me think.... it was a sing I haven't heard in months and have tried to avoid but tw radio got me... it was the song Then, it took me back to all the memories I shut out, took me bak to everything we used to be and everything we had together... took me back and made me realize what I shut out, if you really want to change like you say you do and your blog portrays I feel like I can't not give you yet another chance... I'm not making any final decisions yet, but like I said I'm being pulled one direction... ... I don't know... but I'm gonna find out and make this right...

S.H.I.T.

Damn, im always screwing everything up. always.. nothing i do is ever right or the better choice.. i make all the right decisions after its too late and messed up. i dont know what to do... i feel like shit for hurting you .. honestly i really do.. i feel like shit for walking out the door friday, i feel like shit for all of this. i just came to a point in life where i realized that i wasnt going to get anywhere wishin that i had someone back after a year of disappointment, hurting and depression. i had a curveball thrown at me.. for a day or so i didnt know what to do, dodge it catch it or hit it... i kinda just let it fly by me.. then went and picked it off, dusted it off, and tossed it in the grass and kicked it around.
two wrongs NEVER make a right, i tried to justify myself with what happened to me a year ago.. i got tossed over the fence and forgotten, then smashed into the dirt, wiped off and thrown back into the mud... i got the dirt rubbed in my face, and it hurt, bad... i had to learn to deal with that pain, shove it in the back of my mind and block it from my memory, it took me so long to block it out, then you came and wiped the dirt off again, picked me up and held me, i got so confused and lost i didnt know what happened, and i was so hurt again. i finally broke free and got out of the grasp of the pain, then you offered it back and i had blocked it out and it took me by surprise, but i had gotten to the point of getting myself off the grass and out of the dirt. ive picked myself back up and started walking on my own two feet again... i moved on. i fought the battles in my head for a year, the pain the longing, the dreaming, the waiting. ive grown strong enough to block those, i grown strong enough to move on, and i did
im sorry it hurt, i didnt mean it to, i didnt wish for it to hurt, or break you down, but there are so many differences and conflicts between us past and present.. it just doesnt work... i cant see it ever being what it was, or even working.. there is no trust, its near impossible to build a relationship without any trust. maybe if one day God's plan is for us to be together, then He will make a way. but for now our paths are headed different directions.

chaos

I don't know where I am, what I'm doin or where I should go or what I should do... I'm so stuck right now, who do I trust, who do I ignore, who do I believe, what is going on here... I have so many decisions to make and any one of them could screw up so much and make everything fall apart, I don't know what I want or who for that matter. I've been offered so many things and so broken before I just dont know what to do. I'm hurt and stuck and feel lost and confused on so many levels. I know what I want and I don't know how to get there with my options, I dont know if I choose one way if it would really be right this time, would it really work would it really be what I want? would it really not hurt again... I don't know... friends don't like my second option... neither do parents, I just have no clue what to do... God I need your help, I need your love to comfort me... I need you.

I just want someone who is gonna be there and not have drama and shit going on all the time, I want someone who is loving all the time, willing to see both sides of an argument, someone who doesn't care if I screw something up, I want to go to the beach or mountains just because, hop in the truck and just drive somewhere. I want to curl up to a movie, i want to just hang out and spend time together, I want to walk down main street holding hands, I want to feel the fire of passion for someone like I used to. I want to know everything is going to work out, I want to be free again. I want to share my life with someone and get where I want to in life. I don't want to waste my life away, I want to live for God and do what He wants, I want to start a family, I want to go to school next September, I want to achieve my goal in life. I want someone who believes I can do that.

I have two songs in my head... ...

as she's walkin away

We never spoke a word
But every thought she had I heard from across the room
We were standing face to face
I couldn't find the words to say give me one more move
I don't even know her name
I guess foolish prides to blame

First Chrous:
Now I'm fall'n in love as she's walking away
and my heart won't tell my mind to tell my mouth what it should say
May have lost this battle, live to fight another day
Now I'm fall'n in love as she's walking away

Wise man next to me did say
bout the one that got away
"son i missed my chance
Don't you let regret take place
of the dreams you have to chase
ask her to dance.... go on son
you might fall down on your face
roll the dice and have some faith"

Second Chorus:
Don't be fall'n in love as she's walking away
when your heart won't tell your mind to tell your mouth what it should say
May have lost this battle, live to fight another day
Don't be fall'n in love as she's walking away

you might fall down on your face
roll the dice and have some faith

Third Chorus (and ending)
Don't be fall'n in love as she's walking away
when your heart won't tell your mind to tell your mouth what it should say
May have lost this battle, live to fight another day
Don't be fall'n..., fall'n... , fall in love.... as she's walking awaaaay


just the way you are:

Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin'
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her, she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay?
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
You know I'll say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are, yeah



I want someone to love me for who I am. tell me I'm beautiful. I want to be fun and flirty again. I don't know what to do.... and for now I guess I'll just wait things out...

so much...

there is so much going on right now , new friends, old friends, back stabbers, liars, people who say one thing then turn and do another... I don't know where I am or what I'm doing anymore... I know what I'm currently enjoying in life, but don't know what direction I'm supposed to go. there is still that crazy feeling in my gut when a specific person does a specific thing and it drives my mind and heart insane, it makes me want it all the more... I don't know what to do who to say what to think anymore... it's crazy but I know who I'm happy with... ugh so many thoughts...

spilling over

holding back this dam of tears is so hard to do. I'm stuck and I've hurt myself again. I always bring this upon myself and you think I'd learn... one of these days I'm gonna say something and thats gonna be the end right there... I don't want that to happen. I just want to be able to be what it used to be, fun exciting and enjoyable. I miss that, and I miss him... I don't want to be depressed and hurting, I want to be alive again, I don't know how to be tho... I still love him <3

annoyed to heck

I don't know how he keeps getting under my skin but she does, it just takes her saying something or doing some annoying random thing to piss me off. I see her all day long at work then I get some piece at my place if she doesn't stop in, then weekends I get to hang with her and Ryan and it's bugging me that I have to share everything too... apparently she invited rissa over to zumba which is great but I got told that she is crashing at my place afterwards... thanks for asking me before.... whatever I just gotta learn to put up with Minnie all the time I guess.... anyway enough venting for one day

a wave of emotions

I'm stuck, depressed, lonely, jealous, wishing, frustrated, impatient, sad, feeling used, pushed away. lots of things right now... I just hurt... why do feel like it's so hard to see him for like 5 min? why does it feel like he doesn't want me around when he said he wanted to work on things, I feel like I'm only in his life when he wants me there... I try to start a conversation and he just shuts me down.... I don't know what to do anymore... I want to talk to him but he never has time for me at all... or if he does he just tells me he's busy cuz he doesn't want to talk to me ... my heart hurts.... I want the Jess back that I knew, the one that really cared and really loved me.... I miss that Jesse...

life is good :)

yesterday was pretty much bomb :) kicked ass in the truck pulls so did dad :) I may have been the only person in my class but I got first ;) there were about 5 total girls that pulled so I felt special and most of us pulled better than the boys lol. I was the first diesel puller and set a high standard for the others, I pulled 202.73 out of 300 feet :) it was so cool... the rest of the day was spent with jess, Shawn, Christina (if I remember right), and alex it was fun :) elephant ears, drives into town jokes like crazy and my favorite part, hand holding :) I forgot what it felt like to hold his hand :) so much comfort I feel safe and I also feel special cuz I've got that one someone standing next to me :) take my hand and show me off to the world :) hold me in your arms and keep me safe, show me your love and I'll be yours forever :) *happy sigh* it was a wonderful day and I loved spending it with jess :)

almost perfect evening

tonight is only missing thing... you :) seriousally I don't think I have wanted to be by your side this much in a long time, just having fun in the kitchen cooking and curling up on the couch under a blanket, I'm just in the mood to want to be with the one I love... be with you. I guess it's a mood thing but I feel like sitting and just being near you... it feels like you are missing here with my family... I can't describe the way I feel inside because its just a you gotta be there moment... all I know is I can't wait for the future... hmmmm

sneaky

it's so fun being sneaky and right now I would love to sneak out after my shower and go over to your house and sneak in and cuddle with you till I had to go back to work... that would seriousally be amazing... but it won't happen, considering the current situation we want my parents to trust us enough as adults so we can go on the weekend trip... anyway thought I just stop in and say hi.. :) tonight was ok, I'm glad I got to see you before I had to be abandoned all night lol... miss you, see you later today :) for now I suppose my bed will do :P 'night'

wishin

I keep wishing I could just stop the clock for a day, just put it on pause, not worry about work or chores or other things that need to get done, I just want to curl up on the couch with you and let the world fade away, just sit and watch a movie or something, just do nothing. relax and cuddle in your safe loving arms, talk about nothing and just enjoy the moment without anything else to worry about. I wish there could be a day to to that, it sounds so wonderful, but how in our busy schedules would that ever happen... life, it's flying by and I wanna pause it for a day...

insanity

you are driving me insane, not a bad insane, just a craving insane, you are sitting in your truck working on it, and I so badly want to wrap my arms around you and sit there with you, next to you, touching you... you know I've missed you, and I swear I can't get enough of you. when you hurt yourself, I wanna kiss it better, I never want to leave your side, and when you get frustrated as a part I wanna hug you and tell you to breath. I want to fix your back that you said you messed up, I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, I never want to leave. you torture me, you kiss me then go back to what you were doing and I want one more, I just want to hold you all night long and wake up in your arms, I miss you the second you leave my side, please tell me if I'm being clingy, I'll back off, I tried so hard today to let you have your space and not crowd you, but I longed to just touch you just to kiss you just to speak to you, you have no idea how much I've missed you or how much I love you, you are amazing :)

the best birthday!

ok dint start out so great, bruised my nose really good, don't think I broke it or fractured it, it's not as bruised as it could be, then got stung like 10 times on my head... anyway after work I went and made a cake cuz Lisa told me to lol, anyway ended up hanging at jess' for like 7 and a half hrs lol, it was amazing, we talked some an came to some decisions :) ... we headed to his room for a movie, snuggled some : then he kissed me I swear my heart stopped then restarted at 150 mph lol, but yeah it was amazing ;D

a sunny day

these kind of days really take me back, back to the sunny wonderful days of last year all the fun I had, the people I hung with, the things we did, such great memories, I miss those days. I'm sitting here drinking a pepsi, covered in grease and taking a quick break from my truck, wishin I had someone helping me, my get up an go motivation got up and left without me... I want to get it done but there is so much to do left on it... I just want to go lay in the park or something... glad I'm outside, but I wish I could just sit and do nothing... or go swim, I can't even do that :P anyway I guess I should keep goingif I want to get my truck done by mid September!!

an honest confession of a schocking experience

ok, first off getting the tat was so painful, but worth it, its kick-ass :D i love it...
second off tonight was a blast, hung out with jess and stamy, lets jsut say only alcohol would have made it more interesting lol... anyway, you want to know my confession, ok.... here goes... as we were all piled in stamy's new truck, jess was changin stations (oh i was in the middle fyi) and put his hand on my knee for like 3 seconds, in those 3 seconds a million things happened ... my head spun, my heart fluttered, my pulse raced, i felt this schock hit me, it was crazy, my mind went into so many thoughts, my hands got shakey, i felt this like heat wave hit me, i didnt want him to move it,  i didnt know that one simple thing like that could have that effect on me, it was totally unexpected, it wasnt bad at all, it was jsut.. i dont know how to describe it, all i know is i havent felt that kind of feeling for over 8 months, and never that intense, it just kinda stopped the world for a minute, we were headed to Sherry's for a 4th meal :D it was good, and fun, playin corners on the way back lol.. anyway, gotta say ive missed those hugs too, :) anyway i should go to bed, tho i dont know if i really want to sleep on my side, cuz its gonna hurt.. anyway night :)

kissing those lips

a kiss, a caress, a gentle touch, the loving look, beautiful eyes, warm smile, and the perfect hug. 

all those times ive kissed those lips I've  fallen in love even more, the soft perfect lips, those ones that caressed mine in that special moment, those lips that fit mine. I miss those lips, those perfect kisses, never awkward, they were always just right. I've kissed other lips, they were so different from these perfect lips, dry short kisses, and only once, those kisses were nice, but not the same as the kisses I remember. the other kisses are always long and drawn out, slightly awkward, and just different. the perfect kisses from those perfect lips are all I want, no other kisses are the same, no other kisses are just right every time. I miss the smile when we kissed, and killing the moment, laughing about it, I miss those moments, wrapped up in your arms, you would just lean over and kiss me.. a kiss is that perfect moment when you are with that perfect person, and the world disappears... 

my dream

I finally decided what I want to do... but I don't know how I'm gonna get it done.... 
I want a farm, not a little one but at least 100 acres, 50 head of cattle for food, some pigs and horses and some chickens, grow a garden that will completely support my family, a few fruit trees and a few hay fields, I want to become completely independent on a farm, with a cowboy of a husband that works hard to help get it all done, I want to make this dream happen, raise a family on the farm. I don't know how we would get the money, what job to help support it, where to find a land, I don't know how long it would take to establish it and keep it going, I don't know if it would even happen, but that's what I'm wishing for, now I'm just waiting on a dream... 

'effed up again

I frickin keep screwing it up... I don't see the difference between here and text tho... is it really that wrong of me to tell him I miss him?... I suppose it is, cuz it sure shuts down a convo in an instant... I just keep messin every little thing, I can't even have a decent talk with him without screwing it up.... I don't know what to do... I just wanna sit here and cry.. I miss him so much and I'm being shut out.

I want to be back in his arms, back in the security of his love,his personality and the way he puts things into words, I miss his jokes, his smile, his laugh, his beautiful blue eyes, I just miss him so freakin much... and yet I can't have him.. I can have anybody, I seem to just repel people I don't keep friends good, and I just mess things up, I'm a path of destruction where evere I go... for 7 months of my life I felt like I wasn't a complete wreck, I felt like I actually had a reason in this life, and now I am lost and stuck... I don't know what to do anymore, I just want some answers ... love you jess

memories and reminders

everywhere i go there is something or someone that reminds me of the past, reminds me what i had, reminds me what i want back. there is always that constant reminder of holding your hand, kissing your lips, and just touching your face. i jog around town and see you everywhere, not literally, but in the past, i see us, what we used to be, i go places and see us there too, what we used to do, where we used to go, all the times we had, everything that we lived for, it is all still there reminding me of what i want back, of what i miss. I so badly miss hanging out at your place, just sitting and watching movies, talking about nothing. I miss our drives to the beach, and the late nights at the drive in, the promise of being together forever. i miss holding you in my arms, i miss caring for you when you were sick, i miss everything about you. and everyday it comes back, something reminds me of a memory, and i go back, i cant get away from it, and it jsut makes me miss you that much more, it makes me want to be better than what we were before. I cant go 1 hour without thinking about you, you are everywhere i look, i cant get you off my mind, i miss you so much, and i constantly have to refrain from texting you that i love you, but i do, so very much and with all the pieces in my broken heart, i love you, now and forever. there is no lie in these words, i will always love you till the end of the earth, always without faulter, and without fear, you will always be a part of me. i want so bad to hold you and prove to you that we could make it work, i want so bad to walk up behind you and hug you until the world dissapeares, i jsut want to be with you, because you are everything to me, and all that i ever want.... i miss you beyond what words can describe and i love you so much more than there are seconds in a day. i love you , goodnight <3

a song describes an emotion

I have many many song running through my head these days, many of which are songs we used to listen to, some new ones as well, I figured I'd stick em up here...
in my head, Jason deruelo,
not a day goes by, lonestar,
didn't you know how much I loved you, kellie pickled
I just can't live a lie, Carrie underwood
close, rascal flatts
the day you kissed me, rascal flatts
I'll just hold on, Blake Shelton
fall, clay walker
love remembers, Craig Morgan
dancing with tears in my eyes, Ke$ha
solo, iyaz
airplanes, B.O.B.
your love is my drug, Ke$ha

I think these are most of them, I just can stay away any longer, I can't not think of you and I can't not think about you all the time I miss you like he'll, and I still love you like crazy ... night <3
~a waiting Nicki

surprise :)

I was litrially thinking, "I wish Jess was here" then looked down the driveway as he walked up, it was the freakiest thing ever, but so nice at the same time. :) I didn't realize how much I've missed him until last weekend and then more so tonight... he lifted my mood this afternoon and now it's gone... ive been in the most cuddly mood lately with no one to share it with and its killing me... sitting alone at home watching movies by myself and sitting around doing nothing. driving around time trying to find something to do... and nothing ever does. I miss him like crazy, my arms feel so empty... night

triangle lake

well started off pretty good, friday did nothing but swim.. stayed up till 2, and had a very interesting night.. then work up at 7:30 before my alarm. played in the water all day, got up on the wakeboard first try :) and attempted and failed miserably at jumping, oh well it was fun, went for a jog friday night, that was weird, anyway, went kyaking that was ok.. all around the weekend wasnt great but it had some ups... this morning was really rough, i dont know why but it was.. people asked about you... yeah.. anyway thats pretty much the highlights.. laters :P oh yeah i got way sunburned.. lol

so lost

im so confused right now, i dont even know where to begin, im not gonna assume anything, but i was curious about your status... does it have anything to do with me? cuz it went up about 30 min after you left. i just dont know whats going on in your head and you arent telling me anything.. can we try to be open with each other? i thought thats what friends did, you tell each other stuff and then help each other with it.

i just dont know waht to say or do anymore, i feel like im always bugging you or simply in the way. i am trying to be as open with you about what im thinking, but it never seems to help anything either, i know last weekend was crazy for you. im trying to be patient and jsut take things as they come, but its so hard to do, waiting for everything i ever wanted.

there are things in life that dont matter, and things that do, right now im fighting for the one thing that means the world to me, the one thing that is the best thing ive ever found in life beside God, I dont know if you realize how much you mean to me or how much i am willing to do for you. ive never had this feeling about anything until i met you, i dont even know how to describe it. all i know is when i get up in the morning i think of you and what i can do to make it right between us again. i pray every night for you, and that everything works out how its supposed to with us. you are everything i want <3

i keep waiting to look up from what im doing and see you standing there, your gorgeous smile and handsome face just watching me, i so badly want to jsut hold you in my arms. then today you show up out of the blue, that in itself made my day. but it so sucked that i couldnt even really talk or anything with you cuz i was stuck at the dumb machine. i sit there working and the senarios keep playing in my head, how you would walk up behind me and wrap your arms around my waist like you used to do and hold me close and kiss my neck... it drives me insane now, that standing 20 feet away from you drives me crazy, i so badly wanted to leave my machine and go stand by you, to be next to you, cuz that makes me happy, and that makes me feel like im alive again, when you leave im jsut a brokenhearted shutdown blob that mopes around but when you show up i come alive and i begin to actually function again.

im done ranting for the night, i miss you, and i love you so much, <3

another mood phase

ever had a heart full of love and no one to share it with? ever been in the most snuggly cuddly mood and not have anyone to just sit and be with? I so want to just snuggle on a couch curled up in a blanket and someone's arms and just watch a movie, just be able to sit and do nothing with someone... it's such a hard thing to contain, all these emotions that keep building up in me and I can't share them.
I miss your hugs and snuggling,I miss just sitting there in each others arms doing nothing, just talking and hanging out...

crazy night

last night was by far the weirdest, longest, craziest night I've had in a long time.. i had by far some of my weirdest dreams and most real feeling conversations, i seriously had to check my phone to see what was real and what was in my dream. It was very hard to fall back asleep after having so much on my mind each time i woke up, trying to piece together what i had just dreamed. it was a rather interesting night, lol

today was pretty good, had some very rough spots, i hate being treated like im invisible, nothing like walking right behind someone and them not even noticing you then just driving off and leaving you hanging with no where to go...yeah that felt great... i so badly wanted to go for a nice long jog, but never ended up with any time to do so... i cant wait for tomorrow afternoon, im gonna go for a nice long jog :)

no matter what im gonna just wait, if im doing something thats bugging you, please tell me, i dont care if it hurts me, i would rather know now then later, like a sliver, if you get it out right away it doesnt sit and fester and get worse, i hate assuming things, but i can only wonder at times, and i dont want to assume anything, i wanna be able to be open and completely honest, im not afraid of telling you what im thinking...

I pray every night for whatever is going on in your life, that it will all get resloved the best way, and that whatever the Lord decides is best for our lives, and will fall into place where things belong.
*many many thoughts still circling my mind*

dreams

If dreams were wishes and wishes came true
I'd wish to forever be with you
I'd wish for all the kisses you ever give
I'd wish for everyday that you live
If dreams were wishes and wishes came true
I'd wish for you to love me too
I'd wish for happiness and sleep
I'd wish for everyday I'd be yours to keep
If dreams were wishes and wishes came true,
I'd wish forever to dream of you...

jus a little something that came to mind today when i was working... <3

realization

I suddenly saw today why I am the way I am... because we are replicas of our parents, mine are both stubborn and want their way to be right.. I don't wanna follow that anymore I want to be more considerate than that... I want to be able to see both sides of an argument. I'm not gonna let little thing set me off, if I'm having an issue with anything I'm gonna day something about it so it can be worked out I don't wanna make a fuss about something that is different from what I'm used to... yeah just a thought or two...

pushing it

i think im being pushy already, crap im gonna blow it all , i knew this would happen... why do i constantly push people away from me? i am constantly shoving everyone out of my life that i want... its so hard to just relax and not be so nosey about everything... why do i have to know everything? because im so interested in you and i want to know everything about you... but then i go and push you further away... i always screw up, why cant i jsut be normal why cant i jsut show you how much i love you when you wanna see it not when i have to force it? i guess im just scared to lose you again, scared to have you jsut disappear like you did, i dont ever wanna lose you, i wanna have you forever, cant you see that? cant you see that i would give up my life for you? dont you see how much i love you still? dont you see how much i worry about you and how much i want things to be right in your life?... im rambling on now.. *im praying for you, for everything to work out good with whatever is going on*

worries and regret...

I dont know why i get so worried all the time.. just about lots of things, weather im going to get my truck done in time, having enough money in the bank, making sure everything is taken care of at home, where you are running calls, just making sure all my friends are happy or at least being prayed for... and i jsut got a lot on my plate, worried about tons but i need to not worry, God's got it all under control and i need to let Him take care of it all.

Regrets: 
i wish i could go back in time and just say no to John..it would have been the smartest thing to tell him, jsut say no, cuz i knew it wouldnt work out, that one week was horrible, i felt so wrong in so many ways, if i would have just said no i wouldnt have all these regrets, and it was not worth it either, it didnt help anything, all it did was prove that he was a waste of my time and kisses, i dont know why i agreed to go out with him in the first place.. it was so stupid, and everyday i think of you i regret it more...i regret giving away kisses to someone else, i regret holding that guy in my arms, where you belong, i regret saying things i said to him, i jsut wish i wouldnt have said yes...

Missing you is killing me, all i need is you by my side
every day that knife cuts deep, the one of me and all my regret
i wish to go back and change it all, make it what it once was
i want a second chance to fix it all, but there is no way to fix the past
all i want is to hold you again my love, and tell you i love you
all i need is your arms near, and the beat of you heart next to mine
i want to start again, and give it all i have,
i want to start again, and prove its you i still love
<3

forever waiting

well i did it and im SO glad i did :D now i just wait, and he know that i will wait forever.. i love him so much and i cant wait till we are back together.... i just have this feeling that someday we will be back together :D gosh i miss him so freakin much and i long to be in his arms again.. :D but at least i know there is a high possibility to be with the only one i love again and that in itself makes me feel so much better inside again :D thankyou so much God for bringing me to this point :D ~ i love you jess

more tears

.. wow reading his an my old convos wow... gosh i miss him so much.. here is a blip of what i miss..

:tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:49:33 PM): do you think it strange that we are planning all this stuff and we havent even been together for 1/4 of a year yet.. that we havent even gone out for more then 3 months.. and that we are like planning after marriage stuff...??

dallasfirefighter911 (6/18/2009 10:52:23 PM): as long as we are both comfortable with it i don't see y not. Babe i have every intention of marring you, and this stuff is just details of life. i dont think its strange to be talking about the future we plan on spending together

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:54:56 PM): ok... then second part of question.. have you ever second guessed our relationship?? not saying that we dont belong together.. or anything.. jsut that it has come to me.. like we are really young still and stuff.. btu then i think.. sam and landon.. and callie and brennan.. so yeah.. i dunno... it jsut seems so soon to be planning and stuff.. but it doesnt bother me.. wow that made a whole lot more sense in my head....

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:56:12 PM): and i know you have every intent of marrying me. and i marrying you.. but like what if it doesnt work out.. and all.. i dunno.. just sayin

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:56:46 PM): then agin we could play the what if game all day..lol.. what if my truck rolled.. what if.... i know ... just take it one day at a time

tniigcgkeir (6/18/2009 10:58:00 PM): then this other thought comes to mind... what about the end times.. when the rapture comes. it could be any day and i want to live.. i want to have kids and marry.. i dont want to run out of time. but the signs of the world are here.. that i why i hate watching the news... it freaks me out.. i jsut want to be with you forever.. and not worry about running out of time.. btu not rushing anythign either...

dallasfirefighter911 (6/18/2009 11:03:26 PM): yes babe one day at a time... honestly, what we have together is hard to find these days, and i want the most out of my life and i want it to be happy, and i find that being with you makes me tha happiest.. and making the most out of life would be even better with you. these feelings i have never felt before ever, i believe this is my sign from god(you). Nicole, i want to marry you, i dont like the wat if games because it scares me sometimes, and i don't want that. ya it may be strange, but we are both talking about it.. if we werent ment for each other we would have know by now.. i love you and i always will, ya we maybe young, but sometimes life has different paths and ours seams to be the best one to take, even if it means early marriage, lots of ppl get married young, and it works for

dallasfirefighter911 (6/18/2009 11:03:41 PM): them, so why second guess the best thing in life

yeah i miss that so much.. and this is why i want him back... i shouldnt keep reading all these old convos, im a mess right now.. *tears* ugh.. i jsut want him back...

what to do....

ok so i was talking with minnie a bit and she suggested that i jsut talk to him... cuz what is the worst thing that its gonna do? make our already awkward friendship more awkward? so yeah.. i so wish i woulda texted him last night.. cuz he was craving taco bell and i wanted to go but didnt have to guts to text him and ask.. but now i know he woulda.. then i woulda driven and he woulda been under my time schedule..lol.. im just gonna have to find the guts and time to say, hey can we chill sometime i wanna talk.... so yeah this is about what i wanna say... Jess i wanted to tell you how much i miss you and how much i still love you and how much i think about you everyday.. i am willing to put in 110% for a relationship again, i am willing to try so hard to be open and communicate and be better than i was in the past, if you are willing to give me a second chance.. i know there was a lot of things in the past that split us up, but you know i have changed, and i am willing to do anything to make us work again, Jess, would you be willing to try to make you and me work again? i cant stand to live without you in my life.... i will let you go hang out with just the boys, and let you have space when you want it and let you do what you want, i wont take over, i know what i did in the past and i wanna try again, what we had was amazing, and i want us to be able to be better than amazing....

yeah.. i dunno..... but i miss him so much... and i cant stand seeing him like 4 times without holding him in my arms and hugging him .. and kissing him... i so badly want him back....

surprised!

ok on the way home today from chilling in fall city at the creek, i get a text from jess, "hey what are you up to?", ~headed home you?~ " not much, just seeing if you wanted to go to taco bell, im freakin starving"... *schock*.. so yeah i jsut about had a heart attack.. this was the first time since Jan that he's actually tried to do somethin as friends.. without it jsut being, hey help me move this... it was weird but nice at the same time.. i wish it would have been for other reasons, but it was nice just to catch up a little, share some stories and stuff.. but gosh i freakin miss him... it was nice to finally see him after about a month... its just like he can only take so much of me in a month or something.. tho he did offer to take me, ryan and dad shooting soon :D i havent since october and i so miss it.... but yeah.. it was really nice to hang with him.. tho it brough back some old memories and stuff... gosh i miss that so much.. so i guess tonight im gonna lay in bed and play the what if game again...and i wish i coulda.... *sigh*.. *breaths in remainder of memory of being in his truck* .. i know im a dork, but i miss the way he smells, if that isnt too creepy, .. whatever bed time... night

GAAA!

I did it again, I keep doing it and I don't know how to stop! talking to him I did something that reminded me of jess again, I hate it! I do something and then for some reason expect the same response or reaction that I got from jess, but then it is different an the last comes crashing back down on me... it hurts and I don't know how to stop it... I just want to make it all right again, I just want him back... I just wanna make up and fix what I screwed up... he doesn't realize that I really mean I forgive him, I just don't understand how someone can't understand the loce and kindness and forgiveness and grace of someone else towards themselves... *sigh* I hate these Internal battles. they keep screwing with my mind all the time...

*pulling out hair*

I have so much on my plate right now i have no idea where to start. Jess, John, Daniel, College, fire department, work, friends, appartments, Andrew, it jsut keeps building and i dont know what to do, i really feel like im gonna explode, oh and i have a bacherlorette party to plan, and buy stuff for, and i have no money until the 6th maybe, then its only 10 days after and im freaking out, i jstu have no idea what to do, i feel like i need to jsut step back and hide for a month, but i cant do that , i need to face things, but that hurts too, i jsut dont know where to start or how to work stuff out, i wish things would jsut cooperate around here... *sigh* cant i jstu have a day where everything goes right for once, oh and i need to get my truck worked on and finished, and a wedding to go to, and guns to buy, and a placve to go shooting, and horse stuff and i jsut i dont know.. can i cry now?

WANTED:

ok so i know what i want!! a hot cowboy! lol. i want someone that is cute funny, smart, hot, well toned, good old, down home, backwoods, country slang, hard working, truck driving, gun shooting,beer drinking(sometimes), bible lovin, hay bale buckin, warm and loving, country boy :D yep i've decided that, if you ever find him out there please give him my number and send him my way!!! yeah :D one of them boys would jsut make my heart pound lol.. yeah im a dork, but ive decided that is who i want! lol

deep dark and depressed

i have been in such a low down mood, nothing brings me back up... today was by far the worst its been in a while... i just don't know whats gotten into me lately.. all i wanna do i bawl my eyes out and go running into his arms, i wanna say screw our friendship I'm telling you i still love you and if you wanna disappear then fine disappear it isn't like you've been acting like my friend anyway... it just hurts so bad.. i don't now what to do. he just doesn't realize what he did to me, what he does to me everyday.. and why cant he just see that he's all i ever wanted? i mean seriously how can a guy completely ignore this one person who is wearing their heart on their sleeve waiting day in and day out for them? is it really that hard to see? ugh... and to add to the flames, Daniel.. i mean he and i keep having pretty good convos about life in general.. and there is a girl he likes,  so I'm letting him be right now.. but its like i feel like I'm all caught up in the twilight series, i feel like Bella, i want Jess (Edward) but he told me he doesn't want me, so i fall back on Daniel (Jacob) and become his friend, but they he finds this other girl (joins the wolf pack) and doesn't wanna betray them so he ignores me.. even tho he still cares.. and its just a big old freakin mess of i dunno's and confusion and hurt... I'm so stuck on what to do.. i have literally had to put my phone on the other side of the room so i don't pick it up and text Jess that i love him... its so hard refraining,  i never even see his truck around anymore.. its like he's purposely avoiding me... and that just hurts more.. i don't know how I'm ever gonna see the sun again.. and i am starting to forget things about him, i suppose that's good, but i miss it so much more, i just wanna hold him in my arms, hug him close and kiss him... is that really too much to ask? i just want 1 more chance to be that girl, his girl... ugh i just wanna cry!

running over

my thughts are just running over, I can't focus on anything anymore, I can't help but think of him all the time, I can't help but want to hold him again, every song on my playlist reminds me in some way of him. it's hurts so bad, my tears run over. hiding them from every one around me. I so badly want to go find him and just say exactly what I'm feeling inside right this minute. but that would be the last time I ever see him. he would never talk to me again for fear of leading me on... he would try to dissapear from my lve completely when all I want is for him to cone back into my life. I only want a second chance! although I have asked him for a secon chance and he gave it to me, and I know I'm not worthy for another. but I just want one more chance, one more day, one more time to be able to say, I love you and I'm always here...

heartache

I dont know what to do anymore.. i try so hard to keep it all inside me, i am trying so hard to keep it from showing, but being locked in from the wonderful sun and havng to work till its down and gone is pushing me back into the dark hole in my life.. i keep sinking back down, i jsut want him back, its hard to fathom that the last time i held him in my arms was Christmas day... it was so long ago, 6 months... it still hurts just as bad as the day he told me we were done forever... i keep replaying that moment over and over and over in my head and i cant get it out of my mind. why cant he see what he is still doing to me? does he not realize that i would give up my life for him in a heartbeat to save him? does he not realize i forgave him of his past over a year ago? does he not realize that when i told him i loved him forever i really honestly meant it?... i just dont understand. I am confused by his facebook posts too, is he reading his Bible again, and posting verses, or just seeing them places or what, i so badly want to ask all these questions, but know i have to refrain as to preserve our 'friendship' if thats even what you call a person who talks to another person maybe once every 2 weeks if that... i so wish i could just go back in time and do so many things differently, i would do so much better about things and i wouldnt throw fits at every little thing, i would change so much .. i already have and he doesnt see that. i just wanna say sorry and tell him i really screwed up.. i wanna tell him i still love him.. i wanna tell him that im willing to work hard to make it work again. but he has no desire at all.. he doesnt even seem to care to be friends at all, he hardly ever makes any effort. maybe he is avoiding me because he knows its hard when he's around, or maybe he just hates me... it wouldnt surprise me at all if he did, i mean i still annoying...  i also feel so guilty for things that i did when we were together and i just wish i could tell him that if i had the chance to do it over again i would. i just feel so crushed right now.. all i want to do is go running into his arms and just hug him, just hug him one more time... that brings a song to mind, one more day, by lonestar. anyway i better get back to work before i get in trouble... just trying to vent some stuff before i sink even lower ... i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont know what to feel

tonight

well here's how it went down, got back to church, hugged, he asked what now? i said i dunno... he kinda sputtered out more beatings around the bush then i asked, so what do you want to happen, he said, well i want you to be my girlfriend, and im like yeah i kinda figured, he said will you be my girlfriend, and i said yes :)... then he kissed my cheek *blush* yeah i know i will always have a special love in my heart for Jess, but i think im finally moving on :)

Disaster

this disaster is growing inside of me, I can act all calm and never 
look unhappy, but on the inside I am a mutilated mess of flesh... I am 
not involved in fun events with my so called friends, my heart 
shatters more everyday I'm apartfrom him, the pain gets stronger each 
day. the more I think of him the more I want him back. the pain the 
anger the hurt the thoughts the want, take me over. inside me I am a 
disaster of thoughts and feelings swarming together. I don't know what 
to feel on the outside, an I can tell it's leaking out, I can't keep 
it in much longer, I need a place to vent it all, I don't even fully 
vent here, the only way to feel better is to tell him myself and I 
cannot do that. I guess I'm afraid of ruining what little hold on our 
friendship I have, but I just can't stand the thought if having that 
dissapear as well. I can't lose him completely, if I do I don't know 
how I'll ever live. I know I need to let him go, but I have no clue 
how, especially when he's all I ever wanted and the only thing ever on 
my mind, even when I have a million things to think about...

the deep dark hole

i'm dying inside, really i am, i cant function, i feel like a motionless blob that is stuck in space and cant get free, i just want that one thing to release me and bring me back to the surface and love me. is that really too much to ask for? i just hurt all the time and am so unhappy in life, i don't want to be depressed but i start to fill my life with things that aren't good for me to try and be happier and get my mind off him, but in the end it doesn't help either and it just makes me miss him more.. i really wanna just walk up to him and say hey, ya know what , this may ruin our friendship, but i still love you and i miss you like crazy, and i just cant get over you, even tho its been like 7 months... i love you and i want you back.... and i almost texted him that last night, but there is the thought in the back of my head that keeps saying, don't do it, you'll regret it.. but the other voice is saying, hey if its meant to be he'll come back for you... and i just cant stand all this, i just want to be back in his arms again....

Cuddles

I have been in such a cuddly mood lately it has been driving me crazy, I just want to curl up in his arms and fall asleep. jsut to sit on the couch and hold him close in my arms, knowing that i am safe again..

Sat night was fun i had a blast, it was a little odd cuz it wasnt just a dance club, it was a homosexal friendly club, lol. but it was fun, dancin and all, it was very tiring tho. geeze my legs were so sore!! yeah sorry that i am not posting much about it, its one of those ya had to be there kinda things :D but it was a blast!

a little laugh

today was horrible as was yesterday, i dont know why things are so rough lately, but they have been really hard, holding back the tears as much as i can.. its hard not to spill on minnie, but im doing it... and its even harder when she is constantly talking about her wedding.... anyway John invited me to play some basketball with him, and that really helped, cept i couldnt make a basket worth crap, i finally laughed a little bit : / anyway.. i think i shall go cry myself to bed... since life is crap.....

tears

i really wanna jsut break down and cry, i dont know what to do or feel at all anymore lately, i jsut wanna cry and have it be all better, i wanna be back in his arms telling me its all ok and that i never have to worry again, i miss his voice and his hugs and his kisses and i really miss his smile, his old smile, the one where i would do something and he would crack up, more like a smirk, i havent seen it in forever, i miss him so much, i just want to cry...

Unexpected...

flipping through facebook not really thinking much about it, then it practically slaps me in the face...
Jesse Freidow Home after a long day, got the dogs at my feet, trauma shows on TLC, and work in the morning.. hmm... single life...

so apperently his last relationship wasnt a long one... or something i dunno... odd.. it just gives me a sliver of hope i guess, a blip of possibility, but who am i kidding he said we were done and that was that, but you cant stop loving someone who you dedicated your life to, i mean cant he see how much i love him? cant he see what i have to offer? i dunno, is he scared that im right, and he is worth it to me?.. i just dont know. there are so many things i want to ask him so bad, but if i do that means most likely trashing our friendship.. and i gotta hold on to what i have, ill take friendship over silence and being ignored any day... i jsut want to be back in his arms, i want him to understand, Jesus died on the cross for us no matter what we did wrong, no matter how we treated him, he loved us unconditionally, no matter what the circumstances, he gave his life so we could live, and Jesse doesnt see that connection, i would give up my life to save him, if he needed a transplant i would donate my organs and life, to preserve his, that is how much i love him, i love him enough that i would stand in the way of a bullet headed for his head, i would take my love and prove it to him, he jsut doesnt understand that there is a girl out there who doesnt care about the past, one who has already forgiven him of what he did in the past, its done thats over lets move on, lets live in the present, even if he thinks he isnt worth it, i do, i dont see why he thinks i deserve better, why does he downgrade himself? because of that i cant talk to him about there ever being an 'us' cuz he thinks i need someone better, if he would put out some effort and realize that he is better, that he just needs to open his mind and accept himself the way i accept him... i jsut dont understand... i love him whole heartedly with all that i am, willing to give up my life for him, and he jsut cant see that.... its so frustrating... i dont know what to do anymore... i jsut want to hold him in my arms and tell him how much i love him and how much he means to me... i miss him so much it hurts so bad... i keep trying to climb out of this deep dark pit, adn he brings me to the surface and holds me up there every time i see him or he texts or emails me, then he always remembers to let go of me when he is done talking, and i fall right back down, i need him to pick me up and take me out of that hole...

Resistance is Feutile

wow this is so freaking hard, i had no idea it would get worse than it was, hanging out with Jess all day, i have never wanted to stop him and hug him then trun him around and kiss him so bad in my life since we broke up.. i think its all my emotions cuz im on my period but i have no clue and it is jsut so hard to refrain from doing so, im a killing myself and biting my lip so bad it has almost bled 2 times. i have to keep my mouth shut before i say anything that makes me regret anything i would say, i have come so close to saying i love you and i freakin miss you so many times today im jsut waiting to say it in my head and accidentally say it out loud... i hate that he isnt mine and i hate that i can touch him or hug him or anything, he gave me that look, the one half eye closed glare that he used to do when he was semi flirting and it about drove me up the wall, this is not good, i want to stay friends, but he is making it hard cuz he is getting more comfortable with our friendship and so it feels like past things keep eaking into it, and it is hard.. damn i want him back, i freakin miss him, and now i shall go back to his side and watch dad keep working, i only get so much time with him anyway, i jsut needed to vent before i spilled this out to him...

i done it again

Sat down and re read a bunch of texts from Jess, big mistake! i have to keep stopping the tears from falling, but it just hurts, seeing what we had, thrown away, it hurts... i found this text from august, ' And so do i babe, i love you so very much, i still need to do laundry for this weekend and pack, but yeah, Never EVER give up on us, Cuz i'm not, not now not ever.' and im thinkin in my head, why did you give up then, if you said you never would.... and a few days later he said this ' Nicki you are the best thing ever, thankyou for not giving up on us.' so its kinda like he needed that extra push so we could keep it together, then when he tried giving up and i pushed to keep us together he just shut down and wanted out more... i just dont understand what i did, all i want is to be safe in his arms again, knowing that nothing bad will ever happen to me there... i love him so much and jsut want to feel his love again, its hurts to see him and not be able to even talk to him how we used to, or to hug him... *tears* damn, why am i crying over this?.. its done and over but i still cant get him off my mind...  it hurts when someone you have given your life to tells you goodbye and walks out on your life, but it hurts more when they said they wouldnt.  i love him and want him back,

Incapable

I feel so retarded, i cant even get my truck going, i mean i finally did, but after having Jess jump it then running to town and having both dad and him come jump it again, i feel like a total idiot, and if it wouldnt have lost the alternator belt i coulda spent more time with Jess, oh well i guess its prolly better that i dont spend time with him, i just wish we could talk and be normal not so awkward friends again... i miss him so much, even tho i talk to him and text him, i feel so lost, i just wanna hold him in my arms and sleep through the night with him by my side, and wake up in forever with him,....

Dreaming again

Well it seems i cant get him out of my head had a wonderful dream last night tho... "i was walking in the park and saw someone sitting on the benches, it was jess, he was crying so i walked over and sat next to him, didnt say anything just sat there.. he leaned over and cried on my shoulder, i put my arms around him and asked what was wrong. he started by saying she doesnt love me, i was confused so i asked who.. he said my girlfriend, she jsut walked out the door today and said she couldnt take it anymore adn that she never really loved me, even though she told me that she did everyday... i just hugged him close and let him cry there.. after a bit he dried his eyes and looked up at mine, then said, you know what? i was wrong. i asked about what.. he said "you" i asked why he said that he always did love me and he just felt that he couldnt be open about things cuz i used to be so innocent. he said that nobody loves him, and i corrected him saying both me and God do, and so does his mom, he looked down at the ground not saying anything for a while, then finally looked up and said, can we go to my house?.. i said sure, we walked hand in hand to his place, sat down on his bed and just talked about everything that had gone on since we were apart, he stopped me and said i have something to show you, he got up and found a little folded piece of paper with 2 words on it, Love Forever, written in two sizes with lots of detail, it was clear he spent a ton of time on it, i asked what it was, he said drawings for tattoos, he then looked at me and said, i was wrong, will you please be with me again? i told him of course, and he said, when do we wanna get these? i didnt think he was serious, so i said tomorrow, he said ok then, walked over and kissed me, then we just layed in each others arms for the rest of the evening talking about the future, and our goals in life, i asked where i was supposed to get the tattoo and he said, he wanted his across his bicep and i could put mine under my arm about where my bra strap runs, thus hiding it from the parents, he leaned in to kiss me again and i woke up... "
these are about what i keep dreaming every night, just how he keeps saying he was wrong and that he wants me back.. it kills me every time i wake up... but i cant stop thinking why do i keep dreaming all these things if i didn't want them to happen, i just cant get him out of my head no matter what, and it gives me hope that maybe someday he will see what i am and change his mind about me.. until then i am jsut waiting, dreaming, wishing..

A Crazy Day

Well today started off really rough, and then got somewhat better, we needed a vehicle to drive to portland, and the 82 wouldnt make it, so we took jess's truck, that wasnt fun, there are so many memories linked to his truck, the mirrors, the smell, all the things that happened in that truck , the truck he bought the day of prom, it jsut hurt riding in the middle seat... with out him there... it hurt so bad.. i jsut want to hold him again, i want to kiss him again, i want to love him more, i want his love again... texting him and makin fun and what not, jsut bein friends, i see that smile and it kills me inside, and it was jsut overall a hard day.. and i want to go to bed, but i dont want for him to come back, he comes every night , he talks to me he tells me he loves me, he says hes sorry, and i wake up and cry, and i dont want to anymore, i want him, adn i dont want these dreams, but i also look forward to seeing him every night in my dreams, it brings me comfort, .... i dunno.. i jsut hurt... sorry im dragging on now... night :/

The Old Truck

I feel like a pickup, this old one that was beat up and broken, you brought me back to life again, made it driveable, you fixed it and made it a great runner, then you drove it, and it worked great, it gave you some trouble and you decided that it wasn't worth your effort to try and fix it so you parked it out on the curb, and it is sitting out there rain and shine waiting for you to take it for a drive, you occasionally go out to it and crank on it a bit to see if it will start, and it does every time, then you shut it off and leave it set again until you are ready to see if it starts again. I feel like I'm just there if you want me to be, this pickup needs to be driven and cared for, but you won't do that and you just can't sell it, you haven't decided if you want to see what you can fix on it to make it work like you want it to, so it sits and waits for it's fate, scrap yard, another owner or to be started up again and run..... 

 

May 1st 2010 , Work in progress

My Heart of Stone

My heart has been turned to stone, only one key will open it back up to love, that key has been thrown in a box and locked up an shoved in a closet never to be opened
funny thing is I don't mind that key being locked up, it's safe there, I never have to worry about it being stolen, but I don't know if I have any hope of seeing it again, that is all I can pray for, that box to be re-opened and tha key to be pulled out an used again.

May 18th 2010

Each Tear

each tear that falls from my eyes has your name in it
each tear that falls from my cheek is filled with love for you
each tear that falls from
my eyes has my hurt in it
each tear that falls from my cheek is full of loss
everytime I cry these tears of pain I think of you and what we had
the memories falling from my eyes are fading one by one
these tears from my eyes are
full of my pain and agony from losing you

May 8th 2010

AlI Have

all I have left are these memories
sa ones and happy ones, fun ones and crappy ones
sitting here alone and wishing for you back
it's all I have to do cuz u have nothing left
all I have left are these memories of us
sitting an waiting for you to come back
all I have left are these thoughts
all I have left is this broken but loving heart

May 5th 2010

Constant Reminders

1 firetrucks
2 fire
3 ducks
4 football
5 trucks
6 dodges
7 c.b. whips
8 beaches
9 ambulances
10 school
11 square dancing
12 sirens
13 flashing lights
14 facebook
15 carhartts
16 songs
17 blogs
18 pictures
19 sweatshirts
20 axe
21 earings
22 necklace
23 Ecuador
24 guns
25 triangle lake
26 kittens
27 painting
28 kisses
29 lighters
30 bowling
31 futons
32 FFA
33 church
34 pastor Nate
35 taco bell
36 gojo
37 Boss
38 country
39 minnie's black shirt org paint
40 dogs
41 redbull/dew mix
42 monster
43 monopoly
44 almost empty pop cans
45 pepsi
46 scanner
47 la huradura
48 the station
49 pillows
50 cabellas
51 lottory tickets
52 blushing
53 sneezing
54 my text sound
55 dalmations
56 roses
57 prom
58 sunsets
59 movies
60 hair mousse
61 ice skating
62 popping my back
63 hugs
64 monmouth
65 his hair
66 balloons
67 the fair
68 starbucks
69 camo
70 snuggling
71 taffy
72 venom cans
73 grilling burgers
74 webcam-ing
75 roads
76 suspenders
77 ears
78 emergency series
79 bloody noses
80 rodeo
81 college
82 coffee
83 pokes
84 fruitloops
85 the 11th
86 olive garde
87 beanie
88 mobile homes on trucks
89 puddle jumping
90 tinkerbell
91 walmart
92 fire smell
93 billards
94 hot tubs
95 Bailey's
96 crab puffs
97 the park
98 running
99 laying in the grass
100 lipstick
101 rescue
102 teeth
103 work boots
104 wrestling
105 quotes
106 sunglasses
107 tractors
108 heartbeats
109 big wool socks
110 cherries in my truck
111 eggnog
112 a.d.d.
113 spinning in circles
114 words
115 daily conversations
116 holding hands
117 crazy bread
118 tailgates
119 mixed up presents
120 tripping
121 gazeebo
122 steak
123 Halloween
124 s'mores
125 tents
126 nose hair
127 sweat
128 movie nights
129 snoring
130 sleeping
131 pumping the breaks
132 Christmas
133 ooh shiney
134 "smokin hot"
135 working on my truck
136 his friends
137 tattoo
138 restaraunts
139 voices
140 opening doors
141 his laugh
142 C.O.D.
143 fox theatre
144 D.Q.
145 wedgies
146 sunburn
147 ways of sitting
148 band-aids
149 dancing
150 love

(Feb 9th 2010)

I'm Being Stupid Again

Sitting out in the freezing cold... listening to old love songs.. I miss you so much and it feels like if I can just do somethin that reminds me of you I can go on I can continue this painful journey without you. I want to feel your lips against mine again I want to be back in your arms.. not for a little hug I want you to hold me in your arms.. I want to sleep by your side. I want you back in my life again... you took so much away from me when you left me. I love you so much and I want you to love me again I want to go back to what we had in the beginning it was so amazing, but now I feel like I have been shoved out of everything I used to do. I can't function. I just want to sit and cry all the time and think back to all the memories we made together, there is so much missing in my life without you here. Jess I need you back. I need you to love me. I need you to kiss me. I need you to hold me and tell me you never want to lose me again. you say you
don't want to hurt me again, well then take me back and never leave me again. stay with me forever I want you forever. I miss you so much. everything reminds me of you. I can't go a day without saying your name. I can't go a night without dreaming of you. I can't go a second without thinking about you. I can just cry sitting here thinking about everything we used to be. all our memories bring back tears or a smile and I just want to keep making memories with you , but it seems you have given up, like you don't want anything to do with me at all. it feels like you don't trust me enough to tell me anything anymore. I want to know everything about you. I want to be your life, like you were mine. I love you so much and I miss you like crazy.

Dec 24th 2009

So Lost And Confused

I don't know where to start... I feel like anything I do is wrong and I can't do anything right. I can't do anythig to help your mood. I wish I could go back and change whatever it was that set this thing off . I can't change who I am but I want to be the one you love. I feel like I am being torn apart every unspoken word between us tears at me. it pulls from the inside of my heart. I want you to kiss me like you mean it I want you to love me with all your heart I want you to tell me how you feel I want you to be open with me... I feel so left out... yes I respect your need of space but I also like to know things, such as your call schedule, when you get home when driving long distances I feel like you don't want to tell me anything.

I feel like sitting here and just bawling my eyes out.... trying not to be controlling and trying to figure out if i can save our relationship.... it hurts . I am trying to say the right things and do the right things and I am struggling I have so many things burning in my mind that I want to say or ask but can't get up the nerve to because I don't want to make it worse I don't ever want to lose you... I love you so much and I want to spend forever with you. I will wait for you if it takes a year I will wait for you to love me again. no matter what I am waiting my only<3

Nov 24th 2009